Advice / Support needed

Luis

I need some support and advice.

I am a real pessimist - very negative thinker, and find it so hard to see the bright side of anything. This means that at the slightest setback, I feel totally discouraged and like 'jacking it all in' (whatever it might be I am doing).

Also, the slightest bit of criticism and I dissolve for days - if someone is mean to me, I carry it round for ever.

But I can't keep on like this - it is doing my head in, probably doing the OH's head in too, bless him - and ruling my life.

Please can someone help - I am sick of the glass being broken (never mind half empty....)

Luis

Pollen

Hi Luis

Have noticed from your postings that life has not been easy for you so some negative thinking to be expected, however as this is ruling your life then as you say, changes need to be made.

How we deal with situations come from our life experiences; however these do not need to remain as fixed but changes take time. Negative feelings are often rooted in 'self talk' we chunter away to ourselves in our head constantly and these become embedded. You need to 'hear that voice' and challenge and change it. A peculiar, but often effective way of self-change is to vocalise the positive. In the morning greet yourself in the mirror and say I am Luis, I love myself and (insert positive affirmation). Another effective way of change is writing lists -what you have achieved (even if it's only getting out of bed for 5 mins) then set a goal - 10 mins the following day etc.

A brief google threw up this which has some useful affirming statements.

You could also consider counselling either via GP or many employers offer this as a freebie & it does not have to be work related.

I hope this is of some help with working towards the positive.

ps note your signature - was this the image of message you wanted - an example of negativity (although amusing) suggest you go for this

KD

I have had a hard couple of years to deal with and can relate to how you are feeling.

I have 2 bits of advice.

1. Go and see your GP. They can look to see if you are perhaps suffering from more than just being pessimistic. Many GPs also have access to professional counsellors, so it's not just a case of here's some tablets... on your way.

Don't discount this route. I resisted seeing my GP, thinking i should be able to sort myself out. The last time I'd seen the Dr was 7 years before.

2. Find someone you can talk to UNRESERVEDLY. Friends, family, colleagues all want to help, but they have a vested interest, (like you) in the relationship and sometimes that stops you short of saying certain things.

I made the mistake of telling different people different bits (dependant on my relationship with them) and it helped a bit, however no-one had the full picture (including me) so I/ they struggled to make sense of it.

Professional counsellors can help you get to grips with how and why you feel the way you do. I thought it was a load of poppycock originally, but over time started to see the value of it for me. I stopped it once i felt I'd got the best out of it.

I also talked to the Samaratins once, wasn't suicidal, just a moment of despair when I was very upset. They were great. Spilt it all out, no judgements, no follow ups, just being able to share my plight with someone who was there to listen.

My motto is often daunted, never defeated - because life is a challenge, full of ups and downs, each one needing different responses and approaches and let's face it we don't have all the experience all at once.

see my next post for something I found quite uplifting...

KD

I read this in a local paper recently and it made me realise how important each of us are in the world. ~The sentiment is great~ even if you're not religious.

No-one has lived, no-one is alive
and no-one will ever live with your fingerprints.
There is a kind of love that only your heart can give.
A kind word that only your tongue can utter.
A welcoming smile that only your lips can offer.
A task that only your hands can do.
A journey that only your feet can make
If you refuse to do any of these, it is forever left undone.
You are unique.
God loves with a love that's meant only for you.
But with uniqueness and love, come responsibility.
This is the mesage of your fingerprints

Romy Tiongco

Savvy_Sue

I think Pollen has given you good advice. Many years ago I noticed that one member of my family always took the worst view of anything: if someone did something they didn't like then it was always for the worst possible reason. I decided I would always take the best possible view of anyone's actions until it was clear to me that they really had acted maliciously or whatever. It took a bit of practice, especially when faced with negativity from the other family member, but it is now much easier.

An example: if I am expecting someone to call me and they don't, I assume it is because they are busy or have had a crisis, rather than that they don't want to talk to me. If my work is criticised, I take it that someone wants to help me do my job better (although I do consider whether the criticism is valid or not!) If I ask my OH if he likes what I'm wearing and he appears to be thinking about it rather than answering promptly, I don't assume he is thinking how fat and ugly I am but that he is thinking whether or not he likes what I am wearing.

At the risk of being shot down in flames, I find my Christian faith very helpful also, and there has been some research to suggest that 'people of faith' are generally more optimistic than others. Yes I know there are some very negative Christians around, but for my part, I know that God loves me, despite my faults, so it is easier to love myself. I know that God loves me, despite the fact that life is not always easy. I know that God loves me, even when I feel depressed. PM me if this is something you feel you would like to explore further.

And love and hugs!

M.E.2-2

Hi Luis,
You will probably find many friends in here who if you need to chat will be happy for you to pm them.Keep away from the INSANE ones but the other two are great people
I am sure there is no one in the Arms who would not reply to you.
All the best for the future
M.E.2

deemy2004

Luis wrote:

I need some support and advice.

But I can't keep on like this - it is doing my head in, probably doing the OH's head in too, bless him - and ruling my life.

Please can someone help - I am sick of the glass being broken (never mind half empty....)

Luis

Constantly Listen to happy uplifting music.
Go buy yourself some bright colourfull clothes,
Alway try to smile....
Watch funny comedy's on the tele.
Avoid anything negative, if people start talking negative, so oh is that the time... byee.........

Take it from there...........

Caz2_2

Hi luis.
Its good that you are aware of this, some people display this behaviour but don't realise it. This may not work for you but have a go and see you may be surprised.
Find a box with a lid on, then write down all your negative thoughts etc and critisms that have stayed with you. Put the list in the box and put the lid on and find a very safe place in your house to put it, thats out of view. Try this for 1 hour a day if you can if you want to leave it there for longer do. The idea is that these worrys, critisms and negative thoughts are kept safe but taken out of your mind and written down. See how it goes, it can feel unsafe but you could feel relieved.
good luck
caroline

aliasojo

I agree with deemy in that you would be best to surround yourself as much as possible with happy positive things. After all, if you were trying to stop smoking you wouldn't go and sit in the middle of a group of heavy smokers would you? You would lessen the chances of failure by avoiding situations that would be likely to make things harder for you.

If by nature you are a pessimistic type then it's not going to feel natural to deliberately make a conscious decision to pick the positive option. It'll be hard work and strange but if you can give yourself a mini mental pep talk everytime you start to feel negative, you will in time develop a more positive habit that kicks in without thought. The idea is that you feel negative about something so you should then try to think about what the positive aspects of the situation are, and then you stop thinking about it at that point and go off and do something else so you are immediately having to be occupied with something different. Obviously for some people this will be easier than it is for others. (This advice was given by a psychologist aquaintance I know.)

My OH is the most negative person I have ever come across. I know he doesn't do it deliberately but I have to say it is very hard work living with him at times, when he's at his worst he brings us all down and can sometimes change the mood from happy to gloomy within 10 seconds of walking into a room! I'm generally a happy go lucky sort but it's hard trying to keep upbeat when you're faced with almost constant negativity.

Well done for making the effort to acknowledge the issue and for looking for ways to change it. I send you a big virtual pat on the back.

Savvy_Sue

aliasojo wrote:

Well done for making the effort to acknowledge the issue and for looking for ways to change it. I send you a big virtual pat on the back.

And so do I. With hugs. :A

As Caz2 said, some people are like this and don't seem to be aware of it. Hard to do anything there! To back up what aliasojo says, it's hard to change if you don't realise what's wrong, and even if you do realise what's wrong, sometimes it's too hard / scary to want to do anything about it. Or you won't try in case you fail, so there's no point trying. But even if you feel you are taking two steps forward and one back, you are still one step forward! And you've taken the first step.

Savvy_Sue

Another pat on the back, Luis. Because I'd 'lost' the post I originally replied to, I had to look for 'posts started by Luis anywhere', and found the question you asked about your pension. I really enjoyed reading about what happened when you cycled to work one Sunday: it made me laugh. So you can do it: some people would take an impractical (for you) suggestion about cycling to work and post a negative ranting reply, get all upset because people didn't understand how hard it was etc etc etc, but you didn't, you made us see how impractical it was for you to do what was suggested. Loved it! I do hope you're not going to tell us it was all deeply sarcastic, but I don't think so because you put some :rotfl:in along the way!