My 13 YO daughter has a greedy friend, what would you do?

faerie~spangles

I wouldn't worry too much about the friend's greed for the time being. Now you have identified it you will know how to handle her the next time she's staying over.

Hard though it may be at the moment, don't turn it into an issue with your daughter. She will be loyal to her friend and end up annoyed with you. Girls of that age know everything;)

You daughter and her friends will eventually get fed up with her selfishness/greed and gradually dump her.

gingin_2

I would have stepped in at the supermarket and said " it would be nice if you could all share the pizzas " and I would have also asked her at the table to share.

I take the "my house, my rules" attitude when friends of the kids come round. I know I am fair and not intimidating so if I have to say no or remind a child to say please and thank you, or to share, or to play nicely if they are not, I will. ( I know your daughter is 13 - I am talking about my 8 year old but I would still take that stance at that age). I would also encourage your daughter to stand up to her.

j.e.j.

As long as this girl isn't bullying your daughter (or the others) I'd say don't get too involved in it. Support your daughter if she needs or asks for help in standing up to this 'friend', but other than that I'd just leave well alone. At 13 you don't want your mum getting involved! As long as it doesn't get too out of hand, let them sort it out between them.

attila_

Sounds like a chubbo. Cant be helped.

gibson123

Robisere wrote: »

I would say, wait until boys come into the picture. Once your daughter and friends have fought (and hopefully won) their battle with puberty and hormones, and they settle down to looking seriously at the opposite gender, the green eyed monster will get serious.

Had a daughter, got 2 granddaughters, so I know what happens. Boys will definitely not be shared.

However, I can understand why you struggle to teach a 13 yaer old girl: you probably mean "control" and not "teach" in this instance. Both my daughter and GD were and are completely certain that dad (& Gdad) knew/know nothing. Personal question, ignore if you wish: do you have a Significant Other? Does he help with all this? If there is no one, I understand. My son ( single parent father of my 15 year old GDaughter) Is completely helpless against her. She is a total control freak, but the upside is that she also has a high intelligence and does very well at College. That may be a comfort or not, but I would suggest that you really should start to draw some boundaries. You cannot allow a 13 year old to take over your life. Allow her to make some decisions, but please make sure that yours is the final word, otherwise your own life will be in her shadow.

No significant other, her father died when she was a baby and I haven't managed to find an adequate replacement. I don't have a problem with boundaries, my daughter knows how far she can go and is actually a lovely sweet girl, when I say I can't teach her anything, I mean she has a mind of her own and has a reflex action of ignoring anything I have to say because I am her mother, she will eventually come round to my way of thinking, but only with a lot of effort. If I am going to get through the teens, I am going to have to carefully pick my battles, which is really what this thread is about - is it worth a battle?

gibson123

gingin wrote: »

I would have stepped in at the supermarket and said " it would be nice if you could all share the pizzas " and I would have also asked her at the table to share.

I take the "my house, my rules" attitude when friends of the kids come round. I know I am fair and not intimidating so if I have to say no or remind a child to say please and thank you, or to share, or to play nicely if they are not, I will. ( I know your daughter is 13 - I am talking about my 8 year old but I would still take that stance at that age). I would also encourage your daughter to stand up to her.

I don't think bullying is an issue, my daughter and the other friend if anything are quite protective towards this girl, and often stand up for her.

faerie~spangles

gibson123 wrote: »

<snipped> If I am going to get through the teens, I am going to have to carefully pick my battles, which is really what this thread is about - is it worth a battle?

It is NOT worth a battle in this instance.

gibson123

Thanks everyone, I think it is best left alone but I will watch out to make sure things don't get worse. I actually get on really well with this girls mother, and if this gets worse I may have a word, but I really don't want to cause bother for my daughter or her friends.

KiKi

I wouldn't necessarily see it as greedy. I really felt for the girl when you said she put everything of hers in one bag and you found that strange.

I'm not an only child, nor do I (or did I) have a problem sharing, but I do - and always have - liked everything to be 'clear', with clear boundaries, with clarity on what's mine and what's not. Not because I don't like sharing (most people tend to describe me as very generous), but because I need order.

Only since I've become an adult have I realised my strong OCD tendencies. I like things separate and ordered so I know what's what. I would always have put my things in a separate bag! Even now, I couldn't go shopping and share a bag. If someone wanted to put something in my bag, I could probably go with that. But I'd never put something of mine in someone else's. It's not a greed thing; it's a psychological control thing! And then I'd see my friends sharing the same things and would want theirs, so I could feel involved.

If this is how the friend acts, I don't think that's your problem; as long as your daughter understands 'greed' isn't right, it's her choice to be friends with this girl. It's not like she stole from you, or beat your daughter up! She just has some odd tendencies, which may or may not be about greed at all.

KiKi

Emmarillo

Its not worth the battle but I would certainly keep an eye on the situation. Presumably your daughter doesn't have so much money she can afford to pay her friends bus fare and lose clothes? That would worry me more to be honest.

My daughter is the same age and had a friend to sleepover a few weeks ago. She wanted a shower and I put some towels and my large bottle of Lush shower gel in the bathroom for her to use. None of this stuff has ever been seen again! I'm pretty sure the girl must have thought the things were a gift but you would have thought her mum would have noticed - the towels at any rate.

Its a tricky age I think, they think they're so grown up and know everything (and parents and teachers know nothing) but they're just children hiding in adult bodies. I would hate to be 13 now.