The horse or our family???

gettingready

Mojisola wrote: »

Maybe he's shocked at how many people are suggesting his OH should throw him out because he has dared to raise the problem of how much the horse costs!

Not exactly - this is not the whole/true story looking at OP's other threads.. and which he hardly ever came back too so....

Besides, this ie pets section so obviously people on here may respond in a different way than people on DFWB would...

I remember when I was deep in ..... having lost a job and having all my furries to worry about financially.

On DFWB some people nearly ate me alive for the fact I said I will do anything to keep my pets ok-ish till I find another job.

On here - people came up with masses of ideas to help me keep my pets.

Here you go....

Dollardog

Googlewhacker wrote: »

The OP's DP should be putting about 1/3rd of their money into the joint pot for house costs going of their wages and then if she has money spare this can go on the horse....I'd be amazed if this is happening!

They have said in their post that their partner is contributing 40% to the living expenses. Isn't that enough then?
Why should she part with her only pleasure? Why did they have a child if they couldn't afford it? Why didn't they wait until they could? Surely on the salaries they were on, they would have been able to have saved something.

Dollardog

whitewing wrote: »

Glad I'm not married to you. All these decisions should be joint decisions, surely, which means listening to and respecting each other.

I'm glad I'm not married to you or the OP.
We are not talking here of a joint decision. The OP seems to be bullying his DP to get rid of the horse, which she works to pay for, so that he can have spare money for treats and hobbies.
He travels with his work, Internationally on a regular basis, while presumably she has to stay at home to look after their son. Why shouldn't she have a bit of pleasure for herself?

If their lifestyle was such that they couldn't afford to sustain it on only one salary, then why have the baby until they had saved enough or cleared enough of their debts to be able to afford it?
His DP already had the horse, or so he says, long before she got together with him, so they already knew how much the horse cost to keep. If they needed so much money to live the lives they do, they should have realised they couldn't afford a baby at this time.
The money they have coming into the household is more than enough to live in a rented flat, keep a horse and have a baby, its the lifestyle that they were used to which seems to be the problem.
If they can't afford to live that lifestyle now, they need to look at cutting costs in other ways, cheaper car, ie, one that doesn't need hp, cheaper flat, etc.
Bullying his partner into getting rid of a pet she has had for ten years is not the answer, she will resent him for doing that for the rest of their lives.
He says he has no money for hobbies or treats, instead of wailing about that, he should start to take an interest in the horse. make it a joint hobby, a way of getting out into the fresh air, both for him and the baby. that way, he won't have so much time to spend money on other things.
Fresh air is free!!

Dollardog

Laconic wrote: »

I feel for you, OP. However, it does seem that the horse is only the visible symptom of a much deeper problem. The real question is: Can the both of you actually afford your lifestyle? Would stepping off the 'middle-class' trappings nonsense and moving to a cheaper rental, cheaper cars, slightly cheaper shopping actually clear debt and build up those future-changing savings? Is that something the both of you could bear to consider?

If not, all getting rid of the horse will do is create deep resentment and yet another opportunity for impossible spending expectations. A bit of a hiding to nothing, if you'll pardon the pun.


Good luck! Look forward to seeing how it turns out.

Totally agree!!

Dollardog

rising_from_the_ashes wrote: »

Since the OP hasn't appeared back (nor visited the DFW board with his SOA) - I think he was maybe thinking (hoping) we'd all say get rid of the horse and that his OH was being unreasonable .......

Ha ha.... as if!!
He came to the wrong board for that, as animal lovers we were hardly likely to do that.

Laconic

Actually, I think it's inappropriate for the OP to be seeking financial advice. At least, not at this moment. Without trust, mutual understanding and good-will, there's no plan of action that will feel good or be adhered to in spirit as well as letter. I wonder if the two of you could perhaps see a counsellor, someone impartial, who could let you both air your concerns and find a common ground to move forward financially and still feel good about yourselves?

Get some basis to move forward with before exposing your statement of affairs: reading those recommendations is going to be very tough as will following up on them. Without the two of you being on board with the need for change (if not on exactly what that change will be), it's going to be impossible.

Mojisola

Dollardog wrote: »

They have said in their post that their partner is contributing 40% to the living expenses. Isn't that enough then?

Why should she part with her only pleasure? Why did they have a child if they couldn't afford it? Why didn't they wait until they could?

Surely on the salaries they were on, they would have been able to have saved something.

all-the-gear-but-no-idea wrote: »

15months ago we were blessed with having our son. He is everything to us and cherish him.

My partner now works part time to support financially. We both have very good jobs. I earn £45000 gross and she earns 18000 (part time). The perfect scenario yes... I feel very lucky to be in this situation and love my family enormously. on paper we look like the perfect family looking to the future.

Before our son arrived we coped very well I was earning 60000PA and my partner earned 36000PA.

Since the baby our circumstances changed drastically. We cannot support our old lifestyle.

All my salary is used up by supporting the household and my partner contributed approx 40% of her salary to living expenses also.

I have no spare money at present. Because of this I have no hobbies and social life.

Taking the information as given - because that's all we know - they had plenty of money for a horse and a baby.

Is it really fair in a relationship for one person to be putting 100% of their income into the family pot and the other only 40%?

On their previous income they should have been able to save, they should have built up a nest-egg before she had to reduce her hours after the baby came and they should have thought about how much the horse was costing but they obviously didn't.

The only way to resolve the problem - and stay together - is for them to work together on the practical issue - SOA and a monthly spreadsheet to see where the money is going.

If he comes to the planning with the intention of making her give up the horse or she comes refusing to compromise on the horse's keep, they will fail.

If they do split up, it's very unlikely that she will be able to afford to keep the horse.

Person_one

Mojisola wrote: »

Is it really fair in a relationship for one person to be putting 100% of their income into the family pot and the other only 40%?

As she had the horse long before they got together and he was well aware of this and happy with her having the horse before the baby arrived, then I think the cost of the horse counts as a 'family' expense and should be coming out of the 'family pot'.

Animals are part of the family, and when you decide to share your life with someone who loves an animal you have to accept that they're a package for the duration of the animal's life.

This is why I don't date men with cats!

lostinrates

I have horses, a livery yard and horses out on loan. If some one had told me ten years ago some would be loaned out i would ave disbelieved them. But circumstances change. Similarly, five years ago i would have thought it impossible i would be able to care for one again.

Loaning is a good solution medium term, longer term when the horse is 'no use' to them then costing for retirement livery needs to be considered. Sharing is an excellent solution for any one with a small child, as an owner you have 'more control' over the horse. As a yard owner we are considering taking a horse on loan or share kept here, because it often is a great short or medium term solution for both parties.
Horse are not always more expensive at different times of year, some yards charge a flat fee all inc, even for part or assisted, taking a loss on forage and bedding at peak times, and a larger profit in the rich grazing months...and of course, for some horses that is irrelevant anyway and costs are sipmilar year round.

purple.sarah

I think you are focusing on the horse and ignoring the bigger issue here. Why are you struggling with such good jobs and salaries? There must be other factors. You could get a lot out of sitting down with your partner and doing a SOA to identify the issues, rather than arguing over the horse. Inflammatory ultimatums like "The horse or our family???" are going to turn every discussion into an argument. It's not that simple, for her the horse is family. I think that because you have no interest in the horse you don't realise the value she gets back for the money she spends, in terms of companionship, exercise and a hobby she can share with other horsey people. It sounds like she feels she has already sacrificed a lot since having a child and needs something for her, try and see her side.