The horse or our family???

all-the-gear-but-no-idea

Hello everyone

Seems a bit funny airing our dirty laundry on the WWW. But I have had so much help in the past from this site I now need more advise.

Ok, me and my partner are planning on getting married in the next couple of years. We currently rent accommodation as we have no deposit, but want more than anything to have our own front door.

15months ago we were blessed with having our son. He is everything to us and cherish him.

My partner now works part time to support financially. We both have very good jobs. I earn £45000 gross and she earns 18000 (part time). The perfect scenario yes... I feel very lucky to be in this situation and love my family enormously. on paper we look like the perfect family looking to the future.

The truth is all is not well under the surface. My partner has had a horse for a long time (before we got together). It was bought as a result of my wife's very hard work in London as a treat to herself 10yrs ago. Before our son arrived we coped very well I was earning 60000PA and my partner earned 36000PA.

Since the baby our circumstances changed drastically. We cannot support our old lifestyle. All my salary is used up by supporting the household and my partner contributed approx 40% of her salary to living expenses also. (these expenses also include child care etc)

I have no spare money at present. Because of this I have no hobbies and social life. I have to travel with work regularly (internationally once a month at least) and tend to use this as the mechanism for escape, as a family holiday would, this isn't ideal but there is no money available for anything else.

All her "spare" money goes on expenses for the horse. Not a small amount of money. This means that she has no money for clothes, treats for herself, petrol for her car, (which I have to provide). We have never had a holiday, and since the baby has arrived we have never been able to save for a deposit.

My partners credit history is terrible. So the only mortgage we can afford is going to be through myself, (never been a problem for us to consider) - one of te reasons why we are not married.

I can't seem to help my partner understand that our life with the horse isn't sustainable. I try to talk rationally but arguments always ensue. She resents me discussing the sale of the horse as it is "the only thing she has left".

We will never move forwards on this conversation as we are at logger heads.

If you have anything to add, please contribute. I am not looking for evidence that I am right/wrong. I am hoping to just scale whether my thoughts are irrational/unfair/biased/one sided.

Everything I do I do for my son. I love him more than anything. I work more hours than needed just to impress my boss, so I can get that promotion, I fund the house financially. And I am exhausted with the situation.

I get the impression that my wife is torn between her perfect world. Yummy mummy with baby and horse in tow, and the reality of a young professional couple with too many commitments and no way out.

Thank you

sazzybum

Don't know if this is the right place to post this..possibly the debt free board?

I bett if you post a SOA, you'd be able to find the spare cash to keep the horse. 10 years is a long time to have an animal then give it up-just like that.

Not judging-just offering my opinion.

Good Luck

krlyr

Has your partner looked into the option of loaning the horse out? That way she's not permanently giving it a way, but it will take some of the financial pressure off for a while, and give her a chance to step back and think about longterm plans. It may be that someone loans the horse, falls in love and would like to buy it eventually - your partner feel may happier knowing that it was going straight to a new home, rather than having to make the decision to actively advertise for one with no idea of who might come forward, she'll have had a chance to get to know the person loaning the horse during a time where she still has a say in the horse's life.
Alternatively, has she looked seriously into ways of reducing horse-related costs? Moving to a different stables/livery plan, finding a new feed/hay supplier, carpooling with someone at the stables to save petrol costs, etc?

orlao

I can sympathise with you both.

There is no doubt that a horse is an expensive luxury but to most people, it is also a beloved pet so not easy to pass on. There is also the fact that horses, while they have a cash/sale value in many cases are not easy to sell. The market has collapsed especially for what sounds like a teenage horse that may have been out of or in very light work for a couple of years.

In saying that it's also not right or fair that your partner isn't taking into account your feelings and that you have no fun outlet because her hobby takes all the spare cash.

I don't know how the horse is kept but it is possible to cut costs without compromising welfare ( a very common fear!) but that would have to be done by your DP - she knows the horse and while we would all like have 'the bells and whistles' in the form of help and facilities, horses can and do well without some of them.

Rather than talking about how you (as a couple) can't afford the horse what about talking about the possibility of cutting costs ie moving to a cheaper yard, searching for better value bedding and food, selling excess tack, rugs, clothing AND not buying anymore;) If a full loan isn't an option - I can understand that, there are some real horror stories about - what about a sharer? Is going shoeless or living out 24/7 viable? Does horsie need gold standard supplements x 20 a day or is there one that will do the job?

From your OP I suspect your DP is only hearing that the horse has to go and is digging in her heels because she thinks that you don't understand the emotional connection and only see a moneypit. Also, it's very possible that a lot of her social life and identity (for want of a better word, sorry) are caught up in the horse world...just a thought.

VfM4meplse

A horse, a horse, your kingdom for a horse.

IMO there's something seriously wrong if someone with a poor credit history owns a horse. If you can't be responsible for money, how can you be responsible for a living creature? In an ideal world, you wife would be working f/t and to restore a good credit rating.

aliasojo

I feel so sorry for you, I can completely understand where you're coming from and why you feel as you do.

However, I see animals as part of the family. If you take them on then you are responsible for them through thick and thin, no matter what. You don't have the same ties to the horse as your partner does and although she may not be financially astute, she deserves credit for not dumping the animal the minute things got tight.

It's a difficult situation for you both but one which you should strive to find a compromise. I thought the practical suggestions above were good ones. If you see the only option to be getting rid of the horse then I suspect your relationship will suffer greatly.

Good luck.

gettingready

I earn £45000 gross and she earns 18000 (part time).

2 people, one small child, rented place.

Post this on "debts free" with your SOA and you will get a calculation that allows you to keep another 5 horses.

Sorry but.. you say you can not afford any treats/holidays etc....

Pls do post more details on "Debt free" section and you wil be surprised where you can cut corners without feeling like you are doing without.....

StumpyPumpy

Last year you posted about going bankrupt: https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/42662508#Comment_42662508
Did you go through with this? If so, I'd first check if you can find a lender to give you a mortgage before you make any other decisions. In the current climate they are few and far between, and those that do charge exorbitant rates.

SP

rising_from_the_ashes

orlao wrote: »

There is no doubt that a horse is an expensive luxury but to most people, it is also a beloved pet so not easy to pass on. There is also the fact that horses, while they have a cash/sale value in many cases are not easy to sell. The market has collapsed especially for what sounds like a teenage horse that may have been out of or in very light work for a couple of years.

aliasojo wrote: »

However, I see animals as part of the family. If you take them on then you are responsible for them through thick and thin, no matter what. You don't have the same ties to the horse as your partner does and although she may not be financially astute, she deserves credit for not dumping the animal the minute things got tight.

Would totally agree with both these comments .... many horse charities are absolutely overflowing with horses as even those who've always been able to afford them now can't and the resale values are terrible ...... and some do end up being sold very cheaply to a less than happy ending (use your imagination and think other countries eat horse meat)

Now .... to be blunt - you & your partner should be able to manage on your salary alone ... it is more than many couples earn between them so I'd also suggest popping over to the DFW board and doing a SOA to see where the money is really going.

krlyr's suggesting of loaning the horse out would also be a great step if you can find someone willing to take him/her on (again not easy in this climate) but regardless of the horse costs - which are being met by your partner so you're not even being asked to contribute - you need to sort out your finances and find out what's going wrong.

A visit to the DFW board is needed.:)

whitewing

Can you ride at all? I just wonder if you were able to go riding on your horse yourself then you could get your escape and you could understand why it is so important to your wife. Get involved and share the animal.

Also, do pop to DFW and do your SOA as suggested. It's tempting to think, get rid of the horse, but you are being unrealistic. That kind of decision needs to be a decision made together when other things fail, imo, or there will be a whole heap of resentment. Anyway, it may be possible to cut down and keep the horse, if you decide that is a common goal.

Dollardog

rising_from_the_ashes wrote: »

Would totally agree with both these comments .... many horse charities are absolutely overflowing with horses as even those who've always been able to afford them now can't and the resale values are terrible ...... and some do end up being sold very cheaply to a less than happy ending (use your imagination and think other countries eat horse meat)

Now .... to be blunt - you & your partner should be able to manage on your salary alone ... it is more than many couples earn between them so I'd also suggest popping over to the DFW board and doing a SOA to see where the money is really going.

krlyr's suggesting of loaning the horse out would also be a great step if you can find someone willing to take him/her on (again not easy in this climate) but regardless of the horse costs - which are being met by your partner so you're not even being asked to contribute - you need to sort out your finances and find out what's going wrong.

A visit to the DFW board is needed.:)

I agree with Rising, on your salary alone you should be able to manage. Your DP is earning money to keep the horse, not asking you to support it.
You say that you go abroad for work on a regular basis and that is a form of release for you. The horse is a form of release for your DP and you should not be making them feel guilty about it by keep on saying that they need to get rid of it.
These days its not that easy to sell horses, especially older ones, at least in their teens which this one must be if your partner has had it for at least 10 years. Horse charities are being bombarded every day with people who can no longer afford to keep their horses. Selling them raises little money and would not be an option to consider for someone who has had their horse for so long and is obviously attached to it as there is no telling where it would end up or what would happen to it.
There was a thread on here last year, I can't find it now where someone had a horse which their late mother had bought them, they could not afford to keep it and was desperate to find it a place in a charity but couldn't find one to take it. They did eventually find a home for it but it broke her heart to part with it.
Instead of looking at the horse as a millstone around your neck, you should take an iterest in it and try to make a hobby out of it that all the family can enjoy, think of the pleasure that your little boy will get from it when he is older, think of the fresh air he would get if you both went to see/ride it.

Instead of looking to get rid, think of ways that the costs of that could perhaps be lessened, perhaps horse sharing/part loan with your DP still retaining control of the horse but having someone else who also couldn't afford the full cost, sharing costs. Could it be moved to a cheaper yard but still be well cared for as some others have suggested? Are there other ways of cutting the expenses of it?
I used to have my own horse, I haven't got one now as I couldn't afford to keep one, my horse had a heart attack in the field and died, I had had her for ten years, in fact, ten years and ten days!! I would never have considered selling her, especially as she was in her teens when I lost her. I would not have known where she would have ended up. Your DP woud be attached to the horse, its her pet. Its not an inanimate object like a car, its a living thing that has given her lots of pleasure over the years and needs to be taken care of, not just thrown out when things get tough.

I sympathise that you are struggling but you seriously need to sit down and look hard at your expenditure. Most people if they really sit and work it out can economise on food for a start, buying cheaper cuts of meat, less convenience foods and cooking from fresh etc.