Time to move on?? I'm scared.....but I have to

lizziebabe

Sorry to hear your news. Similar thing happened to me. Trust went pretty quickly as he wiped both bank accounts but left me with £150 (very generous). Mediation is cheaper at first than divorce solicitor. Then with agreement and children sorted went to the solicitor to make deal legal. Much cheaper! Know you can't think about divorce yet as things too raw, it took me 4 years until I felt mentally and emotionally strong enough to go for what the children and I deserved! He has a new person to think of and also may change as mine did! You have to think about yourself and children. I am pretty 'sorted' now but it has taken a while. Look after yourself and your children and accept as much help as you are offered. Best wishes.

lozzer1701

i saw the title of this thread-it spoke to me, and so i had to read through it.. it is a horrible situation, being told by the one person that you had faith in above all others that someone else meant more to them than you did. i had that happen to me a couple of years ago. the only difference between my situation and those of you folks here, is that he DIDN'T leave to be with her (6 months later, she was dead from cancer. you can probably make up your own minds why he didn't go...). i was left a physical and emotional wreck for a long time, and i was in no fit state to deal with the business side of things. now he thinks everything is ok. it isn't, not for me. unfortunately, because of his lack of responsibility as far as finances are concerned, we are saddled with a hideously expensive mortgage that i really don't think i have a chance of taking on myself. i could start a whole new thread about the money ins-and-outs of my particular situation, and i may well do that. all i know at the minute is that i feel trapped in a relationship that at least from my perspective, has been dead for years, and the only thing tying me to it is money (or the lack of it). i don't want to lose my home after having nearly crippled myself to keep it whilst he was 'elsewhere', but at the minute i haven't got a clue what to do but i still hope everyone else here makes it through ok. i understand what hard work it is, most people who haven't experienced these things generally just don't understand

pepperjulie

Lozzer, my situation is nothing like yours and my heart goes out to you. What an awful place to find yourself in. I am still working through my problems. I cannot offer any financial advice at this moment, all i will say is, keep reading the boards. People on here will help you more than you know. There is a way out of all of this for you and they will help you. Please, please accept the help and support they give. They have helped my esteem enormously.
My thoughts are with you
Julie
x

ShoesAreDamnExpensive

Hi Julie,

lots of hugs to you.... and not sure if this helps but a note of warning from my past;

For a mortgage to be in your name only the house deeds also have to be changed. you may find that your ex does not want to do this and as long as the mortgage is being paid you may be happy to leave things as they are.

However, you have to rememeber that he now has someone else who will be pushing him to give HER a secure future and you may find that as torn as he is, he ends up turning to appease her needs.

My mum found herself in this situation when my dad left her when I was 5. He promised he would take care of her and me and my sister but soon he was raising his new womans two children (to her ex-husband) and the promises were a distant memory. His new woman even stopped him seeing us as she said she couldn't cope with 4 children. (and guess what - they had 2 more kids together so had 4 kids!! but I haven't seen my dad for 31 years)

The point here is that he refused to have the house deeds amended in the intial split so my mum took on two jobs to pay the mortgage as by now the maintenance had dried up to a pittance. As long as she could pay the mortgage she was ok and didn't think any more about it.

When I turned 18 (in fact the papers arrived on my birthday) he forced my mum to have the house valued as he was then entitled for her to move out and sell up and give him half the profit or stay and pay him what profit there would be - even though for the last 11 years he had paid a pittance in maintenance which in no way covered the mortgage let alone the bringing up of his two children. Needless to say this was argued in court but he still won a substantial sum even though all the profit related to a period he was not in the house. He bought a new car......my mum had to take on extra work to fund the additional mortgage. :mad:

If my mum did it again she would have got divorced quicker and gone for everything she could rather than relying on what she thought was his good morals to do the right thing. He didn't keep one promise he made to her when they were splitting up.

I know things are still raw and you might not want to think about divorce - but hey if things turn out for the better you can remarry him !I also know you don't believe he would do anything to leave you in dire straights but I guess not so long ago you wouldn't have believed he would be leaving you for someone else.

UglyBetty

I have just been through a similar experience and can only re-iterate what the other users are saying. Now you need to act swiftly to protect your own and your daughter's interests, so glad to hear that you have sought legal advice. Maintain a polite, working relationship with the father of your children but remember that his actions towards you have been far from friendly. Stay in the house, get support from your real friends and focus on surviving the next few months, as best you can. I promise you that it will get easier to bear. Look after yourself.

pooka_2

pepperjulie
things have moved on slightly, I'm back at work(it helps fill the days) and everyone has been wonderful. Hubby has swanned of with the other woman and is begging her to work with him. That alone should make her see sense as I did that years ago and had to put up with constant complaints from our employers. However I'm looking on the bright side, I have a wonderful son, loving sisters and friends and I've decided to go back to university at night in the autumn. Thank you for your kind words at the start of all this, I thought there was nothing left to live for but now the sun is peeping out and I know I can deal with what life throws at me. I wish you and your daughter all the good things in life and I'll keep in touch and let you know how I'm doing. And thank you and good wishes to all those kind people who sent me hugs and kind thoughts.
Pooka

pepperjulie

Dear Pooka
I am so glad to see that you are doing well and dealing with things. I am really pleased for you and hope that these better feelings continue to grow.

I too am doing so much better than before. I still have the support of my loving family and wonderful friends and my fantastic boss. I always thought I was lucky to have the love of my so called husband but realise that was nothing compared to what I have now.

I have taken the decision that even if he has made the biggest mistake of his life there is no going back for hubby and me. It just would not work. For a relationship to work you must have trust, if you do not have that, then what is the point?

I have taken the financial advice from my boss's advisor and the wonderful people here on the boards and know that if it should happen and hubby stops paying the mortgage then I can manage myself quite well. I have the leverage of my hubbys NHS pension to help at least get the house in my name. I am sure if it came to it a deal could be struck.

I was very angry and hurt at first but decided a week or so ago that it didn't matter what I felt it was not going to change anything. Since then I have not looked back. I have met with hubby a couple of times and he is still making all the right noises about wanting to pay the mortgage etc etc and we are amicable and getting towards being the friends we once were. I know that it will never be like that again nor do I want it now. I am moving on for me and my daughter and am quite excited about what the future may hold for me.

Hubby has kept his word so far and continued to pay the mortgage. I have also kept my side of the deal and am paying £500 into a savings account ready to overpay the mortgage. I have decided not to do it each month but perhaps every quarter. Whilst he pays and I can manage to save at least the amount owed is coming down which means I will have less to borrow should the time come when I have to take on the mortgage on my own. I do not have debts (only the mortgage) so only have to provide for me and my daughter, who has incidentally landed herself a really good job in an estate agents in the last couple of days. She earnt £75 commission on her first day.... I am so happy for her and she is even happier for herself!!

I have taken my boss's kind gesture of seeing a solicitor so that I can go through all of the legalities about the house, pension rights etc etc. I am still keen to keep things amicable and so is he....what is the point? I have known this man for half of his life as he has me. Yes he has hurt me and betrayed my trust, but I still can't hate him. However, I can say I do not love him like a husband anymore. If that is progress then I am on my way.

I have found some wonderful friends on this board because of my situation (they know who they are) and I am so glad I came here. You are all warm, friendly people and should all take a pat on the backs just for being you. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for the friendship, compassion and advice you have so freely given.

I will see the solicitor at 4pm on 10th April, so will be on then to update you all on the outcome.

Once again thank you all so very much. And Pooka, keep doing what you are doing. You will get there in the end with the help of the lovely people.
My best wishes go to you and yours and averyone else here.
Julie
XXXX

pooka_2

Dear Pepperjulie
thanks for the words of encouragement. At the moment I'm waiting for the mortgage to kick in(it should have started at the beginning of the month but the solicitor was dragging his heels a bit). I've arranged a financial split and at least I'm coping with everything now. Hubby has only been in touch asking about the paperwork-he can't fool me, I know he's only looking for the payoff. He's living in Argyll with that woman but apparently she is not contributing to anything and he's finding it difficult financially(I'm supposed to feel sympathy). She has also brought her adult daughter over to the UK - he doesn't hear the warning bells. I still miss him terribly but you know what, I miss my wee blue Smart car even more. I think I'm having more good days than bad ones but the nights can be long. I feel duped and cheated that they could use his wages to swan off to Latvia on holiday when I had to take out loans to pay the household bills and I even gave him half of the loan when we went on a break and he told me he had no money yet he paid for her accomodation at a hotel the night we returned from abroad. The betrayal was on such a vast scale it beggars belief. We were together, in total. 30 years and the future really looks empty. However, I've already fixed several DIY problems in the house and I'm going to get new doors and possibly windows soon. I thank God for my family and friends. I've also been amazed at the warmth of all my work colleagues- many of whom I only met before Christmas. So- with family ,friends and colleagues like these how can I fail to thrive? And here's hoping he realises soon that she probably only has eyes on a British passport. Hope to hear how you are doing soon. Pooka.

pepperjulie

Hello all. Firstly a very big apology for not having posted on here for sometime. I know from PM's I have received that people will wonder what happened to me. So, I thought I would just update you all on what has happened since April.

Where do I start? Well, ex did not keep his word for very long and stopped paying the mortgage within 3 months of leaving! I sought professional advice and found myself a motgage and started divorce proceedings. The going has been tough at times and I have relied heavily on family and friends for support, but they have all given it freely.

Communication between myself and ex has dried up apart from the odd text message when he remembers he has left something behind! Worse still he has or his new partner has encouraged him to distance himself from the children and grandchildren. My 17 year old daughter (his only true child - the other two are his step-children) has found that particularly difficult to cope with and many times I have had to hold her while she has fell asleep crying. I only hope he knows what he has done and can live with himself.

I still have my down days but they are much easier to get through now. My life has been turned around like i would not believe in these past few months. My boss has now retired and made me Company Director, so my money worries are not what they were. I have also found a very special guy who makes me feel wanted again. we are just taking things slowly and see where they take us for now. (He had a bad split from his ex too so appreciates my worries).

To all of you out there who helped me when I needed it most, a very big thank you from the bottom of my heart. And to those of you who are going through what I went through, all I can say is that things do get better eventually, sometimes quicker than you think. I have been very lucky to have the people around me I do have and to be given some of the luck that a lot of people do not get. I am starting my life again and this time I am in the driving seat and having full control of the steering wheel!

You will still see me around on the boards - I have found a lot of them most informative, but this chapter of my life is over and I can finally say I have moved on.

Thank you all for being there and being my friends.

Julie
xxxxxxx

beanielou

So glad to know things are on the up & up for you Julie.
Great news about the job.( & the new man ~hope it works out for you)
Lou x