Time to move on?? I'm scared.....but I have to

pooka_2

I wonder how Pepperjulie is doing now as I've just found out my husband has been seeing someone for 6 months and we have separated. He also has said I should remain in the house with our adult son. We were married 27 yrs and he has just walked away. The mortgage is in his name and I have a broker trying to find a mortgage so I can pay off the debts and give him some proceeds as well as keep the house. Its all quite a mess and he literally has taken no part in sorting things out. My family and his mum have been wonderful but I have no savings and although the mortgage I will need is only half the value of the house I will still be paying it off when I retire and that scares me. Like Pepperjulie I still love him but he has switched all his loyalty to the new person and is not even contributing to the debt. Does it get better? Scottish law is slightly different and I still have to see a solicitor but I think for the time being I would rather get a financial agreement sorted before a divorce comes into play. This person may return to her native land or realise that my husband is not as rich as seemed. Am I being silly and indulging in wishful thinking?

pooka_2

I wonder how Pepperjulie is doing now as I've just found out my husband has been seeing someone for 6 months and we have separated. He also has said I should remain in the house with our adult son. We were married 27 yrs and he has just walked away. The mortgage is in his name and I have a broker trying to find a mortgage so I can pay off the debts and give him some proceeds as well as keep the house. Its all quite a mess and he literally has taken no part in sorting things out. My family and his mum have been wonderful but I have no savings and although the mortgage I will need is only half the value of the house I will still be paying it off when I retire and that scares me. Like Pepperjulie I still love him but he has switched all his loyalty to the new person and is not even contributing to the debt. Does it get better? Scottish law is slightly different and I still have to see a solicitor but I think for the time being I would rather get a financial agreement sorted before a divorce comes into play. This person may return to her native land or realise that my husband is not as rich as seemed. Am I being silly and indulging in wishful thinking?

beanielou

pooka
Sorry to hear your news
You need to have a seperation agreement drawn up & include the financial
bits n bobs in that.
Take care

gentlepurr

((((hugs)))) pepperjulie, and to you too pooka.

pepperjulie, you are doing really well. firstly, my thread is here:

http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=155563

from which you will see that last year, when hubby and i split up, i took on a £70,000 mortgage on a salary of £18,500, so you can do it gal!

re the divorce for £250 ish. the cost varies from county to county, and it would need to be amicable, but if you ring your local county courts, they will tel you the cost, ( in staffs its about £230 plus an additional payment of £35ish for the absolute when the nisi has been granted) and send you the forms. hth.

can i just also tell you that my recent split was from my second husband. my first marriage, well, he was such a lovely man, but soo not for me. i wanted the split, and i felt desperately sorry for him, so i didnt go for everything i could have had from him. eg, he was left some money by his parents, and i said that was his inheritance, not mine, so didnt rob him of any of it. anyway, along comes this blonde bimbo, with child in tow, and no money, and marries my ex. they had everything new, fab holidays, she shopped every week at posh shops for new clothes etc, etc, then one day she said she wanted out. she wanted the house, the car, the belongings, the lot, - and he let her have it. he ended up living in a bed sit, and the only thing she let him have were the credit card bilss, which were so huge ex was seriously contemplating moving abroad to escape them. that hurt me so hard, and i was sooo mad that she had taken my ex for everything, and some of which i could have had in the first place. what im trying to say is, look after number one, becuase if you dont, one day it just might come back to haunt you, just like it has me. I'm not bitter, i still wouldnt want what i didnt feel was mine to take, but it certainly shows what twists and turns life can take.

good luck

xx

JoeK_3

Here's a big hug and financial advice to boot.

Whilst your relatioship is still amicable, do the following:

1) Have a legal agreement drawn up with your ex-husband.

2) Be aggressive and remortgage regularly with ex-husbands agreement and use the savings from the remortgage to overpay on the mortgage.

3) Ask ex-hubby to help with overpaying the mortgage

4) As you are now on your own, you will need to have wool on your back and the £5,000 savings will come in handy, just in case. Put £3,000 of this into a cash ISA each year.

Hope this helps
JoeK

pepperjulie

pooka wrote: »

I wonder how Pepperjulie is doing now as I've just found out my husband has been seeing someone for 6 months and we have separated. He also has said I should remain in the house with our adult son. We were married 27 yrs and he has just walked away. The mortgage is in his name and I have a broker trying to find a mortgage so I can pay off the debts and give him some proceeds as well as keep the house. Its all quite a mess and he literally has taken no part in sorting things out. My family and his mum have been wonderful but I have no savings and although the mortgage I will need is only half the value of the house I will still be paying it off when I retire and that scares me. Like Pepperjulie I still love him but he has switched all his loyalty to the new person and is not even contributing to the debt. Does it get better? Scottish law is slightly different and I still have to see a solicitor but I think for the time being I would rather get a financial agreement sorted before a divorce comes into play. This person may return to her native land or realise that my husband is not as rich as seemed. Am I being silly and indulging in wishful thinking?

Pooka
Firstly welcome to these wonderful boards. Iam so sorry to hear that you are in the same situation as me and my heart goes out to you. Your story sounds so familiar to me. In answer to your question.... I am OK. I have a wonderful group of family, friends and work collegues who are being so supportive. I know I have the best boss in the world and he is now in the process of finding me a solicitor. I have got the financial advice I needed which helped me a little but now I need to know about the other legalities.
Husband still has not seen a financial advisor - he has been on holiday yet again. As far as I know they are still sleeping on a friends floor so as yet have not really experienced living together. Maybe they will find out that they are not compatable after all.

Pooka I do not think you are being silly and indulging in wishful thinking. I too felt the same way as you but unfortunately, as people on here have already said, those feelings will not last. I have already made the decision that even if things do not work out for hubby and new lady that there is no going back for me. You, like me, will probably want things to go back to how they were, but in reality that will never happen as much as you want it to.

My advice to you would be to take on board everything these kind people here are telling you/me. It helps you gain perspective and think about things that you perhaps would not even have considered. I have no more news at the moment but have decided that I will not wait for hubby to sort himself out and am taking the boss up on his kind offer of a solicitor. No divorce talk at the moment but just need to know once and for all what my options are. I am hoping it will give him a quick up the proverbial. He is moving on with his new life and I don't think he has right to stop me from moving on, and I will not let him.
Take Care Pooka,
I hope you start to see things a little more clearly soon
Julie
x

pepperjulie

GentlePurr,
Thank you, I have read your thread with great interest. I think you are a remarkable lady and I take my hat off to you. You sound like a lady after my own heart. You have inspired me so much I cannot tell you. I too do not want anything from my hubby and will look after myself and my daughter as I think that HE may be the one that it comes back to bite!
Until I have seen the solicitor I really am still in limbo, but am mending everso slightly each day. I will keep you updated on my progress.
Julie.
x

pepperjulie

JoeK wrote: »

Here's a big hug and financial advice to boot.

Whilst your relatioship is still amicable, do the following:

1) Have a legal agreement drawn up with your ex-husband.

2) Be aggressive and remortgage regularly with ex-husbands agreement and use the savings from the remortgage to overpay on the mortgage.

3) Ask ex-hubby to help with overpaying the mortgage

4) As you are now on your own, you will need to have wool on your back and the £5,000 savings will come in handy, just in case. Put £3,000 of this into a cash ISA each year.

Hope this helps
JoeK

Dear JoeK
Thanks so much for the advice - all is greatfully received. In answer to your points:-
1) He is supposed to be taking financial advice as I have already done and I am in the process of getting an appointment to see a solicitor. Hubby has made all sorts of promises that I am not sure he can/will be able to/want to keep.
2) At the moment the house is in joint names. I have asked for it to be put into mine, but at the moment he will not do.
3) Hubby is paying all the mortgage so I was going to be the one to overpay. If he sticks to his word I have already said I will overpay £500 per month but am loathed to do anything until I know where we both are at!
4) I aim to make my savings work as hard for me as I can and am trawling through everything on this site.

Julie
x

angelavdavis

pepperjulie wrote: »

Husband still has not seen a financial advisor - he has been on holiday yet again. As far as I know they are still sleeping on a friends floor so as yet have not really experienced living together. Maybe they will find out that they are not compatable after all.

I have been reading your post and up until now I have had little to offer you in way of advice than the other folks.

Reading this paragraph from your last post, I can say, from my personal experience, that it sounds like your husband is definitely having a mid-life crisis! I am going to suspect within 12 months, he will be knocking back on the door trying to come back.

Your experience mirrors a friends experience and it was my friends insistence on divorce that really pushed him out of the door for good. Ultimately, I don't think he is happy with the other woman and regrets his actions now, he did try to weadle his way back in her life, but he treated my friend so badly, she had had enough.

Sending you strength over the web, good luck!

yorkshirejen

I keep checking into this thread, good to see you are still here and starting to protect you and your daughter's assets by seeing a solicitor.

Stay strong Pepperjulie, what a horrible shame your husband had to be so stupid to enable us to meet you

take care
Jen