Time to move on?? I'm scared.....but I have to

amyface

Quality advice from many people and Im very pleased to see that you have already made many positive steps at a ghastly time. I'm not actually speaking from personal experience as my life with the other half has not hit this rocky road (and hopefully wont) but i'm speaking with my own self defence mechanism.

Dont give your 'husband' much leeway when it comes to securing yours, and your daughters financial future. Listen to appropriate experienced and reasoned adivce, and try to get things formally laid down as soon as possible. Hold fire with those savings. As you've seen, you're not alone on here and whilst we wont try and run your life for you, many of us on here will try to help you as much as we can, from the financial side of things.

pepperjulie

"My ex hubby and I split up in 2000 but didn't divorce until a year later as it was a completely amicable split and we had far more pressing expenses to deal with like his new house! (although in the end we did the divorce ourselves which cost about £250!) We did, however complete a deed of assignment as soon as we separated, this allowed him to move on with his plans and for me to make adjustments to my monthly outgoings to include the mortgage."

I have never heard of the diy divorce - what is involved? Also could you tell me what a deed of assignment is. Sorry if I sound a bit dense. I could look it up but I would sooner hear from someone who has experience than be bamboozled by legal jargon.
Julie

beanielou

Not sure, I had a legal seperation drawn up detailing some of the financial issues amoung other things (not enough of the financial issues but thats another story!!)

SkyBlue_2

Hello Julie...and first of all - hugs to you at this very difficult and painful time in your life.

I have been there too, after being with my husband twenty three yrs (19 of them as his wife.) It's like losing an arm or a leg, isn't it? I was left with our mortgage to pay off in 1995...and after 11 yrs alone, with three young children, I did it! I worked hard...but there is such a sense of pride at having managed!

If it's any comfort to you, that initial pain and hurting will fade, and will be replaced (well it was in my case) by anger! You have been left high and dry...and your husband is already going off on holiday with his new partner! That's unfair....and rubs salt into the very open wound I suspect.

My advice? I am going to suggest you look after yourself rather than the mortgage! OK...you need a roof over your head for you and your daughter, but I certainly wouldn't throw any spare cash at the outstanding amount - not right now anyway! Your boss is an angel - and his gesture provides you with what I am sure is a lovely safety net. (Sounds like you have earned his trust and respect for you ...so well done Julie!)

I hear panic in your "voice" regarding the mortgage repayments, but I suggest you take stock when you can. Do ensure you have a fund just for you and your daughter! Life shouldn't be just about paying bills (especially when rat-fink of a husband is on holiday with a new partner and may have her earnings to boost his!) Please ensure you treat yourself well. It's wonderful that you want to rid yourself of mortgage debt, but life will be pretty miserable if paying bills is your only focus. Believe me - I had sleepless nights at first when my long marriage ended...and I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to make ends meet for me and our three children - but I did! You will too......and perhaps may reconsider your situation when the initial fear of being left alone to manage the mortgage payments has vanished.

I appreciate my advice isn't in-depth financial advice, as other have offered, but having been in your situation I can say that (with hindsight) the mortgage will continue to tick over as long as you can meet the monthly payments...and if husband plays fair and your boss is true to his word, I am sure the future will look rosier (at least on the financial front) before too long.

My very best wishes. xxx

loveandlight

What a lovely post SkyBlue.

pepperjulie

Sky Blue,
Thank you so much for your kind words. It makes so much difference when you know that someone has gone through what you are going through yourself and managed to come out the other end. (I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy). You have inspired me and I know that I will get through all of this and be able to hold my head high knowing I have done it myself.
Have been to see the boss's financial advisor this morning and what looked like a black picture has turned to a pale blue. Obviously I need to sit down with hubby and get him to make some decisions, as to what his intentions are both in the short term and the long term. And I am aware that they may change sooner than we both think.
I have been advised this morning to get the house changed into my name only sooner rather than later. Let hubby carry on paying the mortgage for as long as he can / wants to. Not to worry about overpaying at the moment to lessen the term as I am aware that I may have to take on the mortgage myself. Hubby has an NHS pension which the advisor worked out this morning would be worth far more to hubby than the house. His pension is his security not our house. I have no pension at all so need the house. I have been advised to offer an incentive to hubby in the form of some savings to change the house into my name and I will not ask for part of his pension. I haven't gone through all the figures yet but it seems the best solution at the moment. I am waiting to hear if hubby is prepared to sit down and talk things over with me. I will keep you posted. Certainly feel a little better for having taken this step. I don't want blood or my ten pound of flesh, I just want a little bit of security for me and my daughter.
Julie
x

beanielou

Julie
You are doing so well.
I love the saying in your signature
Take care

Tigger36

Hi Julie,
Just read your post for the first time and I had to applaud you for being so strong. Just under 4 years ago I was in a similar situation. I had bought my flat for a bargain price - a sole mortgage - and moved my partner in. We'd been together 5 years already and we were solid. Unfortunately, 4 years ago the relationship went sour. We had no choice but to live in the same house for about a year. I went abroad to visit my parents and was on my way home - I got a text at the airport saying 'don't come home'. My ex had their new partner staying in my house! To cut a long story short, I ended up selling them the flat as I didn't want to leave them homeless (how soft am I?!), buying a new house and consequently 'threw away' over £30,000! I left with 3 bags of stuff as I couldn't get access to the rest.
Anyhoo, I'm now with a new partner, in a new house and am happy as larry. People come our way, we trust them and open our soul to them and they break us in two. The trick is to stop the bitterness before it starts, take a huge breath and move on as best you can. You may think that you have lost your soulmate, husband, best friend and life partner but you haven't. They are still out there - you just haven't found them yet.....;)

lavidaloca

When you offer your financial incentive don't forget to deduct the £2000 he's had to go on holiday

itsarichmansworld

Glad to hear your doing better some great advice here!