I think my 3 yr old nephew may be autistic...

Absinthe_2

Nicki wrote: »

If that's financially within her reach and something she wants to do for a fairly distant relative, then I agree it would be a lovely thing to do. I'm not sure exactly how the child in question is related to OP. She describes her as a neice but it doesn't seem to be the child of one of her siblings as her mother is not the child's grandmother, so I assume the relationship is not a close blood one.

However, I stand by my view that OP should not be the one to tell a vulnerable younger mother, who may have learning difficulties of her own, that her child has a lifelong debilitating disability, or even to hint at it. That needs to be done by a professional, who can offer advice and support at the same time and also keep an eye on the mum's emotional health in the aftermath of the diagnosis.

Unfortunately seems like a while before happening in this case. Poor child.

notakid

I read your OP and it described my son to a tee.

My son is ASD with learning needs.

It took a long time to get him assessed because he was so placid and easy going. He didn't fit in to the spectrum as a classic case.

I ignored people (a mother of a autistic) who gently tried to tell me that my son was ASD. I didn't want him to be less than perfect, and I told myself he would grow out of it, he was just marching to a different beat. I remember reading a book, a tree of hands about a boy my sons age. The boy in the book could do lots of things my son couldn't. I thought the book must be unrealistic, not that my son had a problem.:cool:

Don't try and tell your niece, however good your intentions, she won't listen, to her her son is perfect. It will be picked up at nursery and its great to hear how things are improving, when my son was assessed I was bluntly told that there wasn't any treatment and there would likely be no improvement.

Well meaning relatives can tho trying to be helpful cause a lot of pain. I still remember my uncle telling me "Well we all knew he wasn't right" when my son as diagnosed at 9.

Victoriahl

notakid wrote: »

I read your OP and it described my son to a tee.

My son is ASD with learning needs.

It took a long time to get him assessed because he was so placid and easy going. He didn't fit in to the spectrum as a classic case.

I ignored people (a mother of a autistic) who gently tried to tell me that my son was ASD. I didn't want him to be less than perfect, and I told myself he would grow out of it, he was just marching to a different beat. I remember reading a book, a tree of hands about a boy my sons age. The boy in the book could do lots of things my son couldn't. I thought the book must be unrealistic, not that my son had a problem.:cool:

Don't try and tell your niece, however good your intentions, she won't listen, to her her son is perfect. It will be picked up at nursery and its great to hear how things are improving, when my son was assessed I was bluntly told that there wasn't any treatment and there would likely be no improvement.

Well meaning relatives can tho trying to be helpful cause a lot of pain. I still remember my uncle telling me "Well we all knew he wasn't right" when my son as diagnosed at 9.

Thanks for posting that- it's good to hear your point of view as you'd be thinking the same as my niece and SIL would be, and it makes me think that me giving my opinion would not be appreciated, and not be taken in the manner I intended.

Especially as I know little to nothing about autism or ASD, so who am I to diagnose a little boy?

Was your little boy diagnosed at 9 then? Is he doing ok now?

Absinthe_2

notakid wrote: »

I read your OP and it described my son to a tee.

My son is ASD with learning needs.

It took a long time to get him assessed because he was so placid and easy going. He didn't fit in to the spectrum as a classic case.

I ignored people (a mother of a autistic) who gently tried to tell me that my son was ASD. I didn't want him to be less than perfect, and I told myself he would grow out of it, he was just marching to a different beat. I remember reading a book, a tree of hands about a boy my sons age. The boy in the book could do lots of things my son couldn't. I thought the book must be unrealistic, not that my son had a problem.:cool:

Don't try and tell your niece, however good your intentions, she won't listen, to her her son is perfect. It will be picked up at nursery and its great to hear how things are improving, when my son was assessed I was bluntly told that there wasn't any treatment and there would likely be no improvement.

Well meaning relatives can tho trying to be helpful cause a lot of pain. I still remember my uncle telling me "Well we all knew he wasn't right" when my son as diagnosed at 9.

Its why I'm glad my sons was picked up relatively early. He's 4. He is a completely different child by getting the support he so obviously needed (now).

If he'd have waited till that age, just couldn't have managed even at the most basic level in school, despite obvious intelligence.

Do whats best for you, but can only speak from my own experience, and for me would have been seriously detrimental to my childs well-being to leave for longer.

Loads of opinions freely offered on this subject, but for me the child comes first. How will anyone know unless you get a diagnosis. Might be something more trivial, but I would not wait until they're 9. I doubt any schools would nowadays.

6 extra years schooling without extra support, I could not imagine. So glad as my child will definitely benefit, and will hopefully go on to reap the rewards. Would be cruel not to have this, when freely offered, and available.

patchwork_cat

Is there no way that you could have a quiet word with your brother. Not diagnosing as that is not your remit, but mentioning that you think there might potentially be an issue

notakid

Victoriahl wrote: »

Thanks for posting that- it's good to hear your point of view as you'd be thinking the same as my niece and SIL would be, and it makes me think that me giving my opinion would not be appreciated, and not be taken in the manner I intended.

Especially as I know little to nothing about autism or ASD, so who am I to diagnose a little boy?

Was your little boy diagnosed at 9 then? Is he doing ok now?

Yes I'm really proud of him he is nearly 20 and works in a Kitchen. I did try to engage and push him but he developed a terrible stammer. I really don't know if additional help would have made a difference, its a developmental delay and if they aren't ready all you do is confuse and upset them. I backed off and tried to support him emotionly. He was kind of diagnosed at 7 but as he wasn't a classic case they/we wanted to see if he caught up as there is a lot of difference in children up to the age of 11 when they tend to level off to the same ability.

He won an award at college for outstanding effort and achieved a BTEC Level 3 in catering. He has always been in mainstream school (tho its been a nightmare at times!)

He still obsesses and worries but he's lovely. I wouldn't have him any other way. I just want him to be happy. He does still have problems, he really can't get a job as a chef because he is too slow on the uptake but he is thinking of going back to college and doing a business course whilst working. So I couldn't ask for anything more.

Its interesting as well that you mention dyslexia, its on the same spectrum and people with the condition are more likely to have a child with ASD.

Victoriahl

patchwork_cat wrote: »

Is there no way that you could have a quiet word with your brother. Not diagnosing as that is not your remit, but mentioning that you think there might potentially be an issue

Ooh it's just such a tricky situation- if it was my sister, I'd have no problem saying something to her, as she's very sensible about these matters and would immediately set about getting the best possible help available.

But my brother and SIL on the other hand would just see it as an attack on their family, just as they did when a potential problem was flagged up with their daughter when she was 11...

As Absinthe says, my reaction would be that I'd want to know as soon as possible so I could get any extra help I could in order to stimulate him, but I just don't think they'll be thinking the same.

As I said before, thanks for all the advice and input- I really appreciate it and it's helped clear things up in my mind on what to do; I don't think I'll be saying anything at this time.
Hearing from people whose children have autism or ASD, and how they'd react if I started inferring there was something 'wrong' with their child, I just don't feel it would be taken very kindly.

Although there's still a part of me who wants to flag it up on behalf of the little boy, but I'm just hoping now that nursery will say something...

It's a difficult one, this...

Victoriahl

notakid wrote: »

Yes I'm really proud of him he is nearly 20 and works in a Kitchen. I did try to engage and push him but he developed a terrible stammer. I really don't know if additional help would have made a difference, its a developmental delay and if they aren't ready all you do is confuse and upset them. I backed off and tried to support him emotionly. He was kind of diagnosed at 7 but as he wasn't a classic case they/we wanted to see if he caught up developmentally as there is a lot of difference in children up to the age of 11 when they tend to level off to the same ability.

He won an award at college for outstanding effort and achieved a BTEC Level 3 in catering. He has always been in mainstream school (tho its been a nightmare at times!)

He still obsesses and worries but he's lovely. I wouldn't have him any other way. I just want him to be happy. He does still have problems, he really can't get a job as a chef because he is too slow on the uptake but he is thinking of going back to college and doing a business course whilst working. So I couldn't ask for anything more.

Its interesting as well that you mention dyslexia, its on the same spectrum and people with the condition are more likely to have a child with ASD.

Oh that's good to hear- I'm glad it's all going well, he sounds more motivated than most 20 year olds I know!

And I didn't know that about dyslexic people are more likely to have a child with ASD; there's a lot of signals that all point to my instinct being right unfortunately, but I just hope it's picked up soon...

kingfisherblue

I think I might be looking at this from a slightly different piont of view, based on some experience volunteering in a special school and being very involved with my local community of parents and disabled children.

The OP mentions that the mother of this child operates at around age 16, which is a few years lower than her chronological age. Could it be that the child has too little stimulation because his mother is unable to provide it? Could he have developmental delay because his mum does not know how to interact with her child and play with him , speak with him, sing to him?

I know of a few children with learning difficulties whose parents have learning difficulties - the children did not have much, if any, encouragement as very young children, so when they started school they were considerably behind their peers, educationally, emotionally, socially and behaviourally. This gap has widened because their parents have not been able to help their children, even when outside authorities have intervened.

Yes, from the description this child could be on the autistic spectrum, but equally it could be a parenting problem. Some children are naturally quiet and as a result are often left alone because they are seen as easy to deal with (comments have been made earlier in the thread about nurseries not always recognising problems because of this).

OP, there is no easy answer. You are in a difficult position, wanting to help this child but being unable to suggest approaching the medical profession for help and advice because of previous experiences with the grandmother. All I can suggest is that you are there for this family when they need you - if you state your concerns now, they might decide to avoid you. Also, another poster pointed out that parents whose children have disabilities often need time to grieve - this is so true. If this little lad does have autism or a learning difficulty, his parents will need your understanding and support.

You might want to read 'Welcome to Holland', which is a short story often recommended to parents whose children have a disability. I realise that it is not relevant to you as a parent, but you might find it interesting.

http://www.our-kids.org/Archives/Holland.html

andrealm

I suppose he will have a pre school check done by the HV before he starts school to see if there any concerns but that mightn't be done for another year or so?