I think my 3 yr old nephew may be autistic...

cutestkids

A very difficult situation for you to be in OP, I found that the Pre School that my kids went to were very good at picking up on potential problems early on, several children were referred to speech therapy during their time at pre school.

The pre school that they attended was attatched to the local primary school so I don't know if this makes a difference compared to a private nursery.

Does your local area run a clinic for babies weighing etc, I remember mine were happy for you to take along older children for height and weight so this could be a starting point if you suggested taking him along, usualy the HV will be there and will interact a bit with the older children and may just pick up on something.

I don't envy being in your position

Victoriahl

cutestkids wrote: »

I don't envy being in your position

Thanks, I know, it's such a difficult position to be in.

The HV idea would be good- I know someone who's HV picked up on their son's autism when she went round to check on their new daughter, but I just can't think of engineering a way to get him to one without it looking obvious...

The grandmother has always been very defensive over her two (now grown up) children, as my sister had two children the same age, and they used to get compared a lot in ability and how well they were doing at school etc, so she's always had a bee in her bonnet about it.
I even find myself downplaying anything my son might have done or achieved so it doesn't sound like I'm boasting or making out he's cleverer than her grandchild.

Absinthe_2

The earlier the better in my case. I started mine early at pre-school, paid for it as wanted to see how mine would fare, as was completely different from his sibling, although very intelligent, was lacking communication/language skills, and had obsessive behavioural patterns.

He has come on leaps, and bounds since then, although without the one-to-one would flounder, as wouldn't interact, do anything otherwise. With the personalised tuition/support I can see a future.

whitewing

I can't see any reason why you can't have a confidential chat with the hv and she then arrange an appointment with mum, without anyone needing to know you have been involved.

I know it is not nice to have to do that, and you will be told on here that you should keep your nose out, but this boy is reliant on adults to take an interest and be his voice for him. If the hv decides there is no cause for concern then that will be good.

cord123

I completely feel for you.My husbands brother had a baby 6 months before us and when my son got to a year and my nephew was around 18 - 20 months we really started noticing that he was being caught up by my son, then he turned two and hated being around people, would hide a lot, wouldnt talk but just make an 'uh' noise. I spoke to my SIL about how boys do things at different points etc and she said that she was worried that he was developing too slowly but didnt want to do anything in case people thought she couldnt cope.


Could this be the case with your niece?


I would just say shall we do xxxx my son loved to that at his age... if he doesnt do it then maybe suggest he gets his hearing tested etc. People may disagree with this but couldnt you also say, my sons friend etc had to have some tests because he was slow at xxxx he is now thriving?


My nephew has now got help and goes to a special needs playschool twice a week... he is absolutely thriving and even had a birthday party this year and joined in a couple of games! xx

Victoriahl

Absinthe wrote: »

The earlier the better in my case. I started mine early at pre-school, paid for it as wanted to see how mine would fare, as was completely different from his sibling, although very intelligent, was lacking communication/language skills, and had obsessive behavioural patterns.

He has come on leaps, and bounds since then, although without the one-to-one would flounder, as wouldn't interact, do anything otherwise. With the personalised tuition/support I can see a future.

This is what I think as well- with the right environment and attention I think he'd come on leaps and bounds. My sister knows someone who found out her daughter was autistic at three, got her into a school that specialises in teaching children with autism and now she's 16 and sitting her standard GCSE's, does ballet and is doing really well.

It's just SUCH a difficult subject to bring up with them, especially when there's this family history of competitiveness between children, and her feeling very defensive around the subject of any sort of 'testing'. My mum is very much of the opinion that we shouldn't get involved and if there's anything wrong it'll get picked up at school. Whereas I think that if there IS something wrong, it's better to address it as soon as possible...

BUT if it might just be that he's a bit slower than other kids and there's nothing that can really be done, then I'd rather not get involved and not run the risk of causing some kind of family feud...

Victoriahl

cord123 wrote: »

I completely feel for you.My husbands brother had a baby 6 months before us and when my son got to a year and my nephew was around 18 - 20 months we really started noticing that he was being caught up by my son, then he turned two and hated being around people, would hide a lot, wouldnt talk but just make an 'uh' noise. I spoke to my SIL about how boys do things at different points etc and she said that she was worried that he was developing too slowly but didnt want to do anything in case people thought she couldnt cope.


Could this be the case with your niece?


I would just say shall we do xxxx my son loved to that at his age... if he doesnt do it then maybe suggest he gets his hearing tested etc. People may disagree with this but couldnt you also say, my sons friend etc had to have some tests because he was slow at xxxx he is now thriving?


My nephew has now got help and goes to a special needs playschool twice a week... he is absolutely thriving and even had a birthday party this year and joined in a couple of games! xx

Thank you- that's what I'd like to happen, for him to get some kind of stimulation such as a special needs playgroup where it might really help him. But your SIL sounds like she was willing to accept some advice and help, whereas my SIL (the grandmother) would really see it as me criticising- I suppose a lot of people get defensive when there's children involved- it's such a minefield, knowing whether to get involved or not...

Absinthe_2

Victoriahl wrote: »

Thank you- that's what I'd like to happen, for him to get some kind of stimulation such as a special needs playgroup where it might really help him. But your SIL sounds like she was willing to accept some advice and help, whereas my SIL (the grandmother) would really see it as me criticising- I suppose a lot of people get defensive when there's children involved- it's such a minefield, knowing whether to get involved or not...

Mine will be going to our normal (but excellent) local school, where they are used to dealing with one-to-one, as surprisingly more common than I thought. Its scary that my sons autism would not have been picked up perhaps a few years ago; he would have been seen as slow, and not done well, when in fact bright.

I do think some sort of assessment would be beneficial first. Is there some sort of way for getting your DIL to get him in early. Perhaps may mean volunteering some exepense?

Nicki

OP, I have a child who is profoundly autistic, so may have a slightly different take than some posters before.

The latest research shows that early input makes no difference to eventual outcome, provided that some specialised input is eventually given. In fact the autistic brain develops later and slower than the neurotypical brain, so the standard windows of learning are open for far longer. This is completely contrary to the advice which was given when my DD was diagnosed 10 years ago, but bears out the experience at the special school my child attends where by mid primary school level it is not noticeable which children had early diagnoses and support and which did not.

If your nephew IS autistic and his mum and granny are likely to be very sensitive about this, I would do nothing to rock the boat. If he is autistic and it is as obvious as you say, it will be picked up in reception if not before, so within the next year. At which point, mum and grandma will need all the support they can get, so it would be a shame if you had alienated them at this point with an amateur diagnosis. And more so, if it turned out that he wasn't autistic but had another medical need causing the issues you have identified.

If you see the child regularly, there is no harm in reading up about autism and trying some of the strategies which are recommended for interacting with kids on the spectrum, to see whether this makes a difference to his behaviour whilst he is with you. Otherwise, I'd stay in the background as a kind and friendly source of support for when it is asked for, rather than blunder in before the parent is ready and alienating her. Going to the HV or the child's nursery behind mum's back is really only going to end one way, don't you think?

ETA - I do understand by the way that you have everyone's best interests at heart, but most parents go through a period of denial before they come to terms with a child's serious illness or disability. For that reason, it is important that the subject is broached with sensitivity and professionalism, and ideally coming hand in hand with information about support available, prognosis, next steps, etc. You have a child of your own. Try to think how you would feel if a family member rather bluntly told you that your child had a serious incurable life long disability, but didn't know much about that disability themselves. It would be a hugely traumatic thing to happen, and I doubt most relationships could survive it, whether the "diagnosis" offered by the relative was correct or not.

Absinthe_2

Nicki wrote: »

OP, I have a child who is profoundly autistic, so may have a slightly different take than some posters before.

The latest research shows that early input makes no difference to eventual outcome, provided that some specialised input is eventually given. In fact the autistic brain develops later and slower than the neurotypical brain, so the standard windows of learning are open for far longer. This is completely contrary to the advice which was given when my DD was diagnosed 10 years ago, but bears out the experience at the special school my child attends where by mid primary school level it is not noticeable which children had early diagnoses and support and which did not.

If your nephew IS autistic and his mum and granny are likely to be very sensitive about this, I would do nothing to rock the boat. If he is autistic and it is as obvious as you say, it will be picked up in reception if not before, so within the next year. At which point, mum and grandma will need all the support they can get, so it would be a shame if you had alienated them at this point with an amateur diagnosis. And more so, if it turned out that he wasn't autistic but had another medical need causing the issues you have identified.

If you see the child regularly, there is no harm in reading up about autism and trying some of the strategies which are recommended for interacting with kids on the spectrum, to see whether this makes a difference to his behaviour whilst he is with you. Otherwise, I'd stay in the background as a kind and friendly source of support for when it is asked for, rather than blunder in before the parent is ready and alienating her. Going to the HV or the child's nursery behind mum's back is really only going to end one way, don't you think?

How early are the differential studies though? Mine doesn't fit the typical image, as has always been very loving, although otherwise is most definitely on the autism spectrum.

My son is a completely different child since having one-to-one (approx a year), so think those surveys depend very much on the individual child. My son has always been over-intelligent, yet lacking normal communication skills, to the point where he seemed unintelligent, but obviously wasn't.

He had an assessment today. I was a bit miffed as passed the first tests brilliantly (due to the excellent care he's been getting, and being clever), but was worried that they would think nothing wrong, and not give him the help he needed.

It turned out I was worrying needlessly,as although the first tests showed his understanding/intelligence, it was so obvious that he needed support when thinking about more complex scenarios. Just got fixated on what he wanted, and didn't understand. When told to play with a toy, while we talked (discussed stuff) he just ran around the room in circles. I felt so sad watching him, although is a happy intelligent boy (plays well with his sister, but she is super intelligent with a mind of her own to boot, so all good for him!), as will need specialist support throughout the school years (despite his intelligence).

With continuous support, hopefully he will learn to play by himself, and interact, without me sitting, supervising him. He would flounder without the support being offered to him when he starts main school, as would sit there, and most probably be thought of as willfull/dumb, without a diagnosis.

Do whatever you can in your power to help your Grandchild, as my son has a wonderful time, friends (at pre-school, although rarely interacts when they say hello to him outside of it). All made possible by the help he is getting. If I had started later, my son would have struggled, irrelevant of what a report suggests.