Stepchildren help?

balletshoes

a couple of things Debbie -

you say your OH "has insisted on sending them money on their birthdays". did this start when they were kids, and does he still insist? What I mean is, do you do it for him, or does he physically send the money himself? I'm just wondering if its all just habit now that the girls are all adults.

Same with the money you spent on them while they were in the UK - did your OH come up with all the suggestions of what to buy them/give them?

You say they facebook each other for communication, do they send him birthday greetings through facebook? thats just as acceptable to some as an actual card you know.

Are you the one who buys, signs and sends the birthday cards from you and your OH? It may be that its your tradition and your standards that you are imposing on your OHs family, when its not their tradition and they couldn't give a monkeys about getting a card.

Your OH being snide about the pressies your daughter buys him is not on. I wouldn't let my daughter's dad do that, never mind a stepdad. Next time your OH says anything remotely snide about what your daughter has bought him for any occasion, say to him "what a shame you don't like or appreciate it, I think its time to tell DD to keep her money and just send a text/facebook message to you".

*max*

Given what you have written, my thread title would have been "My OH makes snidey comments about presents my daughter sends him" rather than the one you did write tbh.

He's behaving that way towards your daughter, yet you feel sorry for him not getting a card from his own? You have your priorities a bit mixed up I think. I wouldn't stand for that.

Debbiejack

:mad:To be honest my concern was more to do with the fact that we have shared money and he wants to send them money that i don't think they deserve,because they don't bother with him.

Thank you everyone for your comments x:o

victory

Debbiejack wrote: »

This will probably sound pathetic,but here goes...I have 3 stepdaughters living abroad,they're all in their 20's. My husband keeps in contact with them via phone and facebook,so no communication problems.

He has insisted on sending them money for they're birthdays,not huge amounts,but we don't have much money.

My problem is that they never even send him a card for his birthday or christmas,he never forgets them.

When they were small he used to make excuses for them by saying they probably did write cards to him but ex wife threw them away!

They recently came to stay with us for a month which was lovely. W e spent mony on them,buying them gifts,also small grandaughter presents too.

We sent gifts to one of the daughters as she was unable to come over with her sisters.

We didn't recieve any thanks for the gifts we sent back with them as well as one of the daughters is pregnant,we spent a lot of money on baby clothes for her too,which she did appreciate.

Maybe i'm being like this because they're not my daughters,i don't know.

It's causing friction between us.so any advice please? x:(

I know of a gran who did all she could for her grandkids and made/bought/sent xmas and birthdays and never so much as got a thanks so she stopped, completely, after a while there were calls as to how/why etc and she clearly told them it is not so much the giving to recieve, absolutely not but she felt hurt and left out and said it was not reciprocated so she was going to put her money to better use.

After that they started sending....

POPPYOSCAR

Is your OH closer to your daughter than the others? In my experience very often people find it easier to moan about the people closest to them.

I would feel like you and I would have to say something to them.I have step-children and now they are adults I treat them as such, and if I am not happy about something I let them know. It has never caused a problem with my OH because he thinks I should be honest with them and that I have just as much right as him.

Bubby

Debbiejack wrote: »

He wasn't around them for most of their childhood as ex wife moved a very long way abroad.

This may be why they have such an odd relationship with him

suki1001

Hmm, yes unless you've been through this as a child, then it's very difficult to understand, it works its way right into adulthood.
Imagine feeling your dad hadn't bothered for years and then decides to later in life, sending a bit of money on their birthday is a bit like shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted. This is not about them being ungrateful I should imagine. This is about a dad deciding to be othered when he felt like it.

I am making a lot of assumptions, but it takes more than giving money every birthday to make up for it, if he wasn't around in their past, whether that was his choice or not. Chances are they are probably still quite angry with him. I am 36 and things have only just settled down in the last couple of years for me with my dad. I think some people forget how parent seperation can affect children forever and often well into adulthood. If they've never really talked about it, how can you assume they're just ungrateful. I suspect they're not and I suspect they're still upset. Stop viewing them as ungrateful and maybe find it in your heart to be a bit more understanding about them. You weren't there, you don't know what they went through and you're only hearing his side of things. I really don't know what my dad told my stepmum, probably not a lot. For me there was a lot of hurt with issues that were never resolved, I think you should keep out of it too.

POPPYOSCAR

suki1001 wrote: »

Hmm, yes unless you've been through this as a child, then it's very difficult to understand, it works its way right into adulthood.
Imagine feeling your dad hadn't bothered for years and then decides to later in life, sending a bit of money on their birthday is a bit like shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted. This is not about them being ungrateful I should imagine. This is about a dad deciding to be othered when he felt like it.

I am making a lot of assumptions, but it takes more than giving money every birthday to make up for it, if he wasn't around in their past, whether that was his choice or not. Chances are they are probably still quite angry with him. I am 36 and things have only just settled down in the last couple of years for me with my dad. I think some people forget how parent seperation can affect children forever and often well into adulthood. If they've never really talked about it, how can you assume they're just ungrateful. I suspect they're not and I suspect they're still upset. Stop viewing them as ungrateful and maybe find it in your heart to be a bit more understanding about them. You weren't there, you don't know what they went through and you're only hearing his side of things. I really don't know what my dad told my stepmum, probably not a lot. For me there was a lot of hurt with issues that were never resolved, I think you should keep out of it too.

But this does not seem to be the case here from what the OP has told us.

They are all in touch with each other and recently stayed with the OP and her OH for a month and get on well.

Is it really too much to expect a birthday/christmas card? And surely it is common courtesy to acknowledge a gift sent to you, even if its only a quick text?

Debbiejack

suki1001 wrote: »

Hmm, yes unless you've been through this as a child, then it's very difficult to understand, it works its way right into adulthood.
Imagine feeling your dad hadn't bothered for years and then decides to later in life, sending a bit of money on their birthday is a bit like shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted. This is not about them being ungrateful I should imagine. This is about a dad deciding to be othered when he felt like it.

I am making a lot of assumptions, but it takes more than giving money every birthday to make up for it, if he wasn't around in their past, whether that was his choice or not. Chances are they are probably still quite angry with him. I am 36 and things have only just settled down in the last couple of years for me with my dad. I think some people forget how parent seperation can affect children forever and often well into adulthood. If they've never really talked about it, how can you assume they're just ungrateful. I suspect they're not and I suspect they're still upset. Stop viewing them as ungrateful and maybe find it in your heart to be a bit more understanding about them. You weren't there, you don't know what they went through and you're only hearing his side of things. I really don't know what my dad told my stepmum, probably not a lot. For me there was a lot of hurt with issues that were never resolved, I think you should keep out of it too.

You're completely wrong about everything you've just said!:mad:

The following comment from POPPYOSCAR is spot on.:T

System

She is most definately but the OP still not going to be thanked for getting involved.