Stepchildren help?

Debbiejack

This will probably sound pathetic,but here goes...I have 3 stepdaughters living abroad,they're all in their 20's. My husband keeps in contact with them via phone and facebook,so no communication problems.

He has insisted on sending them money for they're birthdays,not huge amounts,but we don't have much money.

My problem is that they never even send him a card for his birthday or christmas,he never forgets them.

When they were small he used to make excuses for them by saying they probably did write cards to him but ex wife threw them away!

They recently came to stay with us for a month which was lovely. W e spent mony on them,buying them gifts,also small grandaughter presents too.

We sent gifts to one of the daughters as she was unable to come over with her sisters.

We didn't recieve any thanks for the gifts we sent back with them as well as one of the daughters is pregnant,we spent a lot of money on baby clothes for her too,which she did appreciate.

Maybe i'm being like this because they're not my daughters,i don't know.

It's causing friction between us.so any advice please? x:(

thatgirlsam

Keep out of it as much as possible

One thing guarenteed to end a relationship is when the step parent doesn't like or criticises the children, even if they are grown up

balletshoes

If as a couple you really really can't afford to be sending money/buying pressies, then thats an issue. However, it sounds more like you can and do afford it, but that you don't get any thanks for what you do for them.

If your OH is unhappy about that, its up to him to tell his kids they are being a bit ungrateful. Its not up to you, sorry.

daska

Maybe they've not been brought up to realise how hurtful it can be if you don't acknowledge gifts etc. My ex was never brought up to write thank you letters, or even phone calls and DSD wasn't either, they just don't see it. It might be worth a comment in the next card along the lines of: please let us know that this has arrived safely, we always worry that things have got lost if we don't hear from you.

Rebecca01

Hmmm it is difficult.

Would you feel the same then , if they were your children? I think we do , tend to make excuses for our own kids.

A similar thing happened to me, the children are alot younger , and it was down to their mother. The children did not phone my OH on her birthday, but they phoned their Grandfather who shares the same birthday.

OH was really upset. When the girls were visiting , it came up in conversation briefly. When OH left the room, I said nicely. Next birthday dont forget to phone your Dad because he was a bit upset and it will mean alot to him. My daughter, their sister then piped in dont forget to phone Daddy! Well they havent forgotten since, this maybe because we are getting along nicely with their mother, or they just remember.

Can you not have a quiet word with the Step children, with them being older, say in casual conversation , it will mean the world to your Dad if you send a card , or remind them a few days before of his birthday?

You could however think kids will be kids and just let it go and leave it to your OH to deal with if it bothers him that much. If it doesnt bother him , then its not worth bothering you.

System

Your stepping on dangerous ground here, i agree. Step back. Its up to husband to say something and not you.

duchy

But they aren't kids-they are adult women !

I'm (perhaps wrongly) assuming the OP wasn't around these children growing up so had no input into how they were raised so any comments from her won't be well received.

Honestly if the Dad is upset then he needs to deal with it-it really really isn't her place to do anything other than express her opinion to HIM if it's their joint money that is spent. If he wants things to change it's down to him not someone come later to the family dynamic who may likely be told to mind her own business by these adult women and it could have a negative effect on the father/daughter relationship.

Debbiejack

The really horrible thing is that my daughter who is same age as his girls always sends him cards and presents for birthday and christmas. He sometimes makes snidey comments about her gifts,which really upsets me.

Thank-you for you're replies x

duchy

Does HE thank HER ? (or do you end up doing it for him?)

Maybe just as a family they just aren't good with gift recieving -like father like daughter ?

Rebecca01

My OH step mom reminded him of hid dads birthday, he is 48 , he didnt take offence.

It was a good job she did as he had forgotten, as we had alot going on at the time. :-0

You are right though, they may take offence, then again they may not. The OP will know if they will or not.

Rebecca01

Debbiejack wrote: »

The really horrible thing is that my daughter who is same age as his girls always sends him cards and presents for birthday and christmas. He sometimes makes snidey comments about her gifts,which really upsets me.

Thank-you for you're replies x

Not nice at all, its the thought that counts.