Buffy starts a new chapter...........

Buffythedebtslayer

Wow Northern Lassy, what a lovely thing to say, and how great that you have a house xxxx am well chufffed xxxxxx

Buffythedebtslayer

Ok had a week off work.

not done much. Seen some friends. Things are difficult with Mum, we have puppies and VERY different ideas on how to manage them!

It has really opened my eyes to how much I compromise on loads of stuff. Chev said it a while ago - that I have stress at home and at work but I never thought it was anymore than anyone else. And in fairness having had one friend burst into tears on me today it probably isn't! but it is a fair amount.

I think when I was in my 20s I really did play it safe......all my friends did, none of us went travelling or made crazy career decisions or had any fun in the relationship department! And now as we are faced with bills, elderly parents, mortgages, children, puppies(!) the serious side of being an adult we are realising it is bloody hard work. And I know that sounds silly but you never REALLY want to grow up! and although my friends mostly have partners it doesn't seem to help them in terms of feeling alone.

Modern life is really quite weird. On the one hand we REALLY have it easy. Electricity, the Internet, cars, washing machines, dishwashers! Books, the ability to be educated and work (from a female point of view) the freedom to marry or not have kids or not, live here there and everywhere. Be what ever religion you want.

And it is great, really amazing in fact. However I do think so much comfort and success or ease in terms of manually doing things comes with a price (one I am happy enough to pay in comparision to the alternative) I wonder if people are meant to be striving towards something - in the past it was survivial but now what do we strive for?

This is a bit rambly I know, I am hungry and tired.

In reality not many people here in this country have real problems in terms of food, shelter and safety. I know some do but hey if you are here posting on the net well it's not so bad. And there are so many distractions to keep people in a situation and not realise how time is passing and how life is passing them by.

I guess the problems we have- health, money, the shallow but not really shallow issues with our identity our choices, the naff work/life balance, the striving for what? keep up with the jones? be the best, be like everyone else (all external) versus the internal, I am tired, I want that not this, I feel empty, why aren't I satisfied, why can't I keep things in perspective situation. They are serious. They are important - relative to people in the most of the UK Europe and the US.

Obviously, There are places in the world that have what would I call serious problems and I am grateful I don't live there.

That aside I find "our" problems very difficult to solve. As do a lot of us I think. I am lucky I do a job I love and have great friends. My family as much as I love them are a problem. There I said it. And long term what I want is sort of clear but I am running out of time. And I have realised so many of my friends are unhappy and not just cos of their jobs!

I don't know I don't have any answers. Is it enough to do a good job for the sake of the good job?????? Can I ever sort out my life enough to have a relationship?

Any how not really looking for answers just thinking out aloud.

ho hum. That is quite enough crazy holiday ramblings from me

RosaBernicia

Buffy! :j

Glad to see you back (hug) though sorry to hear your stress levels are still up there. Sending vibes for your mum and your friend.

Haven't any immediate answers to your questions - you are asking the huge ones - though I think most families are a problem in some areas even when they're great in others.


Rosa xx

Buffythedebtslayer

Right, the puppies are causing problems. I don't honestly know what to do. Mum is being a martyr about it all (and I know I show these tendancies as well which I hate but never realise at the time. The whole living here thing for a start)the getting up the poo picking the feeding and the costs.

What ever time we agree to get up she gets up earlier and she does things with out telling me and implies that I am not capable of doing stuff (like poo picking) or tidying up. It has only been two weeks and I know things take time but she literally will not listen. I am besides myself with worry over her health - she has stood shaking in the garden cos she is so cold - this is all a strain on her heart. she was on the phone to my sister last night and was explaining to her how SHE was outside at 6 in the morning and I wasn't there cos I had been out. Er no i wasn't there cos we agreed to let them out at 6.30. I didn't go out last night and again we agreed to 6.30 but she was out when I get there at 6.30. It is just bloody STUPID. She endangering herself and doesn't give a !!!! about how it makes anyone else feel.

I know it was a mistake to get them. I also know Mum would not give them up. I know she is a control freak in lots of ways. I hate writing stuff like this cos I do love her but it is so hard to live here.

I think the best I can do is be more organised (!) and help with house work she can't see me doing. I do try and do stuff around the house but as soon as I do something like say clean the bathroom she takes it as an afront that she isn't doing it and so starts. I really thought at some points we would have an adult relationship but she (like most parents) will always see me as a child and in my case as the youngest a particularly stupid child.

Am so tired. I feel I must admit defeat and give up the idea of a deposit and look for somewhere to rent. That would more then likely mean rehoming my pets.......... oh I don't know!!!

She is already upset today. This situation is not making either of us happy. I do wonder if I am unhappy because I am depressed or if I am depressed because I am unhappy. Chicken and Egg. ooo Easter link!

Any how I am going to have lunch at my friend's house. THANK GOD I have friends

xxxx

Buffythedebtslayer

Ok..... so I went to my friend's house for lunch. It was very good to vent and have a laugh about our online dating adventures. I must remember being cooped up is not good for me!

So puppygate.

If Mum is bound and determinded to do this her way then well her way it shall be. I am too tired to fight over it. My focus needs to be saving. every. penny. with the aim to move out in the next 18 months if not sooner.

SO my vague idea of being organised needs to be less vague and more concrete! I have read enough self help books to be able to fix this.

With that in mind I have done an online shop - buying in bulk and getting it delivered at an unpopular time to keep costs down. I aim to do that once a month? to have the basics for lunch and the various small furry creatures.

Plan this week

1. Sunday - finish tidying room and clean out gps. also pop to Morrisions in the morning EARLY for cream, vinegar and fresh veg. Unfortnately we have guests coming for dinner tomorrow so the afternoon will be a bust but hopefully they will go home early.

2. Monday - tackle the paperwork mountain, file it, shred it and maybe burn it!

3. Tuesday - Bank to ask about mortgages? loans? etc.
gym and then school work

4. Wednesday go in to work to collect marking (will have done some on M/T

5. Thursday work again.

6. Friday - date and who knows.

7. Saturday - shopping to be delivered and my saturday routine of working - in a tidy clean bedroom. honest gov.

8. If all goes well, out in the garden.

xx

Gemmzie

I didn't realise you had a new diary Buffy, I only look at subscribed threads now so missed it.

Not excusing stressful behaviour, but it is possible that mum is fussing over the dogs as a distraction from her health worries? Since my dad's been unwell, he's become a bit of a control freak and it's taking all of us to keep him busy so he doesn't get down about it all.

chevalier

Hey buffy, sorry i have been posting on the wrong thread DOH!

I know you now have the puppies, but I notice you didn't discuss it on your diary before you got them. And you know why that is don't you. Because we would have said are you out of your mind. You already have enough on your plate. But too late now. Is one puppy your and one hers? If so then perhaps that is the way forward, ie I will look after my puppy in my own way thank you.....

I think you need to get out of there asap. Because you know if your mum gets ill, then the rest of the family will just ASSUME AND EXPECT you to look after her because you live there. So get out now before you have no choice about it.

Good luck with finding somewhere. I think if you offer extra deposit then you can get rentals with pets allowed. And if you are taking them to puppy classes, then they will be pretty well trained soon eh?
chev

Buffythedebtslayer

.................

any how been a weird day. My week isn't going as well as it could - I fell down the stairs Sunday! so have been on the sofa for the last two days!

It's been ok actually been watching tv and chilling out, updated my 101 list you know the important things in life!

On Sunday I did mange to tidy up most of my room. I have a way to go re paperwork but got some excellent news - the student loan company got in touch and they owe me 1047 pounds! It is being paid in my bank account, I was SO surprised as last year they paid me 1200 (which got me debt free in the end) so I was thinking it was a mistake. But it wasn't!

That gives me quite a boost, as regards the savings. In theory once I close my ing account and pay in my £2 coins by the end of April I should have about £4000. It should be 5 really but my car had to be serviced and MOT'd - £360 and the puppies were £500 each plus of course the buying of equipment for them.

but all in all not bad moneywise. Am back with the surveys and have sorted out the e bay stuff in the shed. I am not going to put any pressure on myself to sell till June tho, need to get up to speed at work and get these pupppies trained!

Plans wise an update,
Plan this week

1. Sunday - room was tidy! and I got a fair amount sorted.


2. Monday -sat on the sofa!
3. Tuesday - Sat on the sofa!

4. Wednesday go in to work to collect marking, Homebase and maybe the bank

5. Thursday work again. and lunch with my friend.

6. Friday - Work, the date will be in the evening and I am SO nervous cos he seems so lovely. and likes slim women....and I do not fall into that category!

7. Saturday - shopping to be delivered and my saturday routine of working - in a tidy clean bedroom. honest gov.

8. If all goes well, out in the garden. - probably not, I will probably still be working!


overall I am ok.

night all
xx

Buffythedebtslayer

Gemmzie wrote: »

I didn't realise you had a new diary Buffy, I only look at subscribed threads now so missed it.

Not excusing stressful behaviour, but it is possible that mum is fussing over the dogs as a distraction from her health worries? Since my dad's been unwell, he's become a bit of a control freak and it's taking all of us to keep him busy so he doesn't get down about it all.

I meant to say Gemmzie, I think you might be right here. The whole situation is just hard to deal with - as you probably know you feel terrible for challenging them and possibly or in my case definitely making her feel bad and then possibly ill.

The big test is next week. I am hoping i can get the day off work. And then we will know a bit more. Dreading it. Makes me more determined to get this place sorted.

As far as the puppies go Mum will get up with them in the morning I don't like it but the arguments we were having were not worth it - I will do the evening stuff and eventually when they can be walked I will walk them twice a day.

Now off to do some banking and list making

Gemmzie

Positive vibes for next week's tests.