Domestic abuse......

pearl123

OP - no it it is not you !! But if you stay with him it will always be your fault.
Domestic voilence always increases. Go before you end up emotionally ground down and perhaps dead.
I sugest you read "Inside the minds of angry and controlling men" by Lundy Bancroft. Not to help you to stay but for the penny to drop about the subtle and not so subtle signs of Domestic abuse.
You have been a victim. I doubt it will improve if he's violent by nature, which appears to be the case.
Go before your destroyed by it all. If you spend years believing it's all your fault whilst suffering DV you will be destoyed mentally and physically by the end - if you remain alive.
Leave

Ich_2

That's very simplistic I'm afraid Ich. Abuse is rarely something that happens out of the blue. It's something you're indoctrinated into accepting. Adult "grooming" if you will.

I'm well aware of that but sometimes a simplistic view can clear things up.
Up until September 11 I had 2 years of involvement with a friend who was in an alcoholic, abusive relationship.
In that time she refused to listen to any advice and push most of her friends away. I know in part why this occurred but it still made it hard to give help.

In the end the partner died of alcohol related issues which devastated the friend as she found him dead one morning.

Another quote from another friend for you

I've recently discussed such with a woman who works with battered and abused women. The common undercurrent for staying:
True fear that husband will seriously harm/kill them and no one can protect them; inability to support self/family without income or contribution of husband's income; perception of quality legal representation to get through a divorce. (esp if husband can afford expensive attorney)

And it all boils down to the battered self esteem of the woman who somehow feels she deserves it or he is the best she can get. I was told it has no socio-economic boundaries. The woman told me it was stunning how some women are rich and "appear" to have it all together and their husband's are these rich, powerful, successful men, who come home with a different personality.

All the above is hard to comprehend, I know. But, there are murder suicides around the country that center around all of the above and fuels the fear in these women. We had one recently where the Child Protective Services, with supervised visitation, came to the door of the father for his time with the boys, pushed the CPS worker away, locked the door, killed the kids and blew up his house. (oh, and all evidence now points that his missing wife was killed by him a year ago, when she threatened divorce)

It's all about fear and self worth and so very sad.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

What you describe, OP, is an abuser being given enough rope to hang himself.


He told professionals that you made him do it. :rotfl:


He's as good as admitted guilt for whatever the event it that is being investigated now AND for attacking you in the context of domestic abuse.




Tw at. Deluded tw at.

If he thinks like that, all the way down to being stupid enough to have it put on records that you made him do it, well, it's pretty clear he is not running the same programming as decent human beings. Decent human beings like you.



Bail out. He couldn't tell you in any clearer way that he IS going to attack you again one day.

Casati

Been there, done that. GET OUT NOW

And if you can't, you need to make a safety plan
http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100310005

TeamLowe

OP if he wasn't your partner but just a friend, or just some man off the street, would you be asking the same question or would he have been in prison long ago for his brutal attack on you? And it must have been brutal for you to be in hospital for a while and need physio.

There's nothing anyone can do ever to deserve that amount of violence. Ever

Take care of yourself x x

victory

Never ever is it your fault, he is the one with the character flaws, the anger, the lashing out, the lack of control, the issues, it has absolutely nothing to do with you.

isitme?

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply. At the minute I feel very alone, and your replies have helped me see there are some lovely caring people out there.

Thankfully I'm in a position where I'm safe in my own home with my children.

There has been some fantastic advice given. I've heard of the freedom programme, which I may look into some more. My confidence and self esteem are at a huge low, and I can't help but think there are more important people out there, who are more deserving of support. I 'know' this is nonsense, but am fighting against myself at the minute. I get the odd moment of ' I don't deserve this' but then it's taken over by the more dominating thoughts of how rubbish I am, and I'm a fraud if I seek help. Does that make sense?

The police have been involved this time around, and have made a referral to the domestic violence support team.

fluffnutter

isitme? wrote: »

... I've recently discovered he's told professionals it was my behaviour that drove him to to injuring me...

I sincerely hope that the professionals treated this with the contempt it deserves.

isitme? wrote: »

I'm all over the place at the minute. Doubting if it was my behaviour, asking myself if it was my fault, did I cause it?

A classic tactic of an abuser is to make the victim feel it's all their fault. Check out 'gaslighting' on wiki.

Get some help, isitme. No one deserves this

Mojisola

isitme? wrote: »

Is it ever possible for a woman to drive a man ( or vice versa ) to physically assault her? Can a person really behave in a way that causes someone to harm them?

I'm going to go against the trend with a proviso - I think it is possible in some rare cases. I know a young woman - who has unresolved issues of her own - who has driven several boyfriends to act violently. They were never violent before and never have been since leaving her. She has an knack of knowing people's trigger points and how to drive them to distraction and doesn't stop until they are violent but it has taken persistent and relenting prodding to get that reaction.

LisaB85 wrote: »

I've been in the position where I have been so wound up by people (an ex) that I could have murdered him but as it was said above you can't change/control how others act you can only control your own behavior.

So although he may have been frustrated he should have been able to control himself and channel that frustration else where not towards you. Eg he should have gone for a walk to let you both calm down etc.

It wasn't your fault.

I would echo this. He is using this as an excuse for not controlling his own behaviour and is trying to make you responsible for his actions.

sassyblue

isitme? wrote: »

I'm a regular Mse'r but would like to remain anonomous for this post.

Is it ever possible for a woman to drive a man ( or vice versa ) to physically assault her? Can a person really behave in a way that causes someone to harm them?

6 months ago my partner physically assaulted me, so much so that I required hospital treatment, and am still undergoing physio now. I didn't report it at the time, as I believed it was a one off, and truly believe everybody is worthy of a second chance.

Fast forward to about 2 weeks ago, and his temper has come to light again, but this time not aimed at me. For legal reasons I can't disclose any further information on this, but I've recently discovered he's told professionals it was my behaviour that drove him to to injuring me ( we were having cross words at the time, however nothing too serious ( in my eyes) ).

I'm all over the place at the minute. Doubting if it was my behaviour, asking myself if it was my fault, did I cause it?

If anyone has any experience in this (unfortunate) field I would appreciate any advice.

Firstly, if it was a stranger that inflicted these injuries - so bad that you're still having physio - would you have reported it? Would you have believed you had done something to deserve it? Would you have thought he deserved a second chance??

My guess is no, so don't expect it from someone who is supposed to LOVE you.

Secondly, his professionals should have laughed in his face when he said that. I would have done. Classic domestic violence excuse from the perpretrator.

Get rid OP, you're worth better. xx