Domestic abuse......

Ich_2

The excuse I got last night is "I've no where to go and no money" It is also apparent that "his" children hate her!!
As I pointed out to her if he does injure you and gets arrested, the family will chuck you out anyway and you'll have the injuries as well.

CFC

isitme? wrote: »

is it ever possible for a woman to drive a man ( or vice versa ) to physically assault her? Can a person really behave in a way that causes someone to harm them?
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no

no

no

never

Mupette

Its very easy to blame the other person for their actions, its the easy way out, its being a coward.

My ex used to say i wound him up, yet i couldn't do anything right by his standards, and all his relationships after me all ended bad, i had a chance to talk with him about this a few months ago, and after divorcing him in 2000 it was the first time i could say to him he was and still is a control freak, and until he addresses those issues i couldn't see him every being happy in a relationship.

If i believed him then why am i now about to marry a wonderful man who has never lifted a finger at me in the 12 years that we have known each other, how he loves me and freely tells me, the good thing i have never had before is i feel loved, we support each other, and work together.

Real men/women don't blame the other for their own inadaquences (sp).

Ellejmorgan

I've just come out of a very emotionally abusive relationship, really nasty stuff like walking out on me approx 15 times even when pregnant and after a c-section, making it so I couldn't get help when very ill, trying twice to remove my baby from my care so I had to call the police, hitting my children and shouting at them, witholding my 2 week old so I couldn't breastfeed her, getting drunk and leaving me to care for baby when I couldn't move from surgery, screaming at me, intimidating me when pregnant and being very unpredictable..once he left because i asked him to hold our baby we were married and he left for a week..

we have 2 kids together and i've been free for 2 weeks our baby is only 12 weeks old..I am also disabled...
I have limited family support and i have to cut my ex off as he's dangerous and this has been going on for 8 years, he even fathered another kid with someone else and gave the kid the same middle name as our kid..

There is a limit and it isn't your fault I promise, you won't change him no matter how nice to him you are, how hard you are..it won't work..Please google the freedom programme as there is support..

I'm not taking him back ever, I usually back down and try to keep him in the kids lives, not this time though..any man that walks out without even saying goodbye to his kids doesn't deserve them..you can do it..

ruby-roo_2

As far as I am concerned there is nothing anyone can do, man or woman, which justifies another person causing them physical harm OP.

It is no coincidence that you feel all over the place, that you doubt your behaviour, that you are asking if it is your fault and wonder if you caused it. I suspect that you have been suffering emotional abuse for a while. It can be done so subtly by the abusive partner that their victim doesn't recognise it for what it is.

Bit by bit this eats away at a persons confidence and self esteem, till they are a shadow of their former selves, barely able to think straight or trust their own judgement. This is when it is very common for the abuse to escalate to actual physical harm.

I am so sorry for what you are suffering OP. The professionals who your partner is speaking to will have heard the old line 'it was her behaviour which drove me to injure her' many times. They will have heard the same thing trotted out from women who abuse their partners too, a more common problem than most are aware of. Abusers are often inadequate people who cannot take responsibility for their own actions and choose to deflect their own failings onto someone else. Nothing is ever their fault.

Living with an abusive partner is like hell on earth. Eventually nothing you can do will make them happy. They take joy in moving the goal posts so as you never live at peace. You will spend years walking on eggshells, dreading which personality your partner will arrive home being Jekyll or Hyde, you will use every ounce of energy you have trying to avoid friction and upset.

One of the most shocking things about abuse is that it is all about power and control. Your partner is not going to admit to what he has done and that he needs help because then he loses control and his power over you.

Walk away from this sad excuse of a man while you still can and never go back. Some people simply do not deserve a second chance OP.

Ich_2

From another friend discussing the incident I mentioned

I find to hard to understand a) men who are violent and b) women who are prepared to put up with it. If you give those women the required advice i.e. Local Authority Housing help (which they WILL give in these cases) and charity refuges etc, then there is no more you can do.

Sorry, but if the help offered is refused and anything else subsequent well, they've brought it on themselves after that. We all have choices in life

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Pixiechic

His actions are not your responsibility or your fault, ever.

It is textbook that now, you are questioning if it is your fault. What concerns me is that once it starts and he gets away with it, it continues. He put you in hospital, please don't stay for him to do it again.

Leave now before you really start to believe that it is your fault. There is a much better man out there for you, don't waste your life with him.

I think that you should report the assault and speak to your doctor about counselling. It is so sad to read someone asking if they are responsible for someone physically assaulting them.

Please take care

In_a_quandary_2

Ich wrote: »

From another friend discussing the incident I mentioned

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That's very simplistic I'm afraid Ich. Abuse is rarely something that happens out of the blue. It's something you're indoctrinated into accepting. Adult "grooming" if you will.

ruby-roo_2

OP the friend you have quoted appears to be one of the fortunate ones who has never been exposed to the horrors and subtleties of abuse. If she ever had been she would understand that it is never as clear cut as she is viewing it.

Please feel free to PM me and I will help as much as I can.

Northern_Princess

Is it ever possible for a woman to drive a man ( or vice versa ) to physically assault her? Can a person really behave in a way that causes someone to harm them?

In my view, no. No person drives another to physically assault them.

6 months ago my partner physically assaulted me, so much so that I required hospital treatment, and am still undergoing physio now. I didn't report it at the time, as I believed it was a one off, and truly believe everybody is worthy of a second chance.


Sorry if this offends anyone but in my opinion the second one partner lashes out at the other is a step too far and a leopard never changes it's spots!

Fast forward to about 2 weeks ago, and his temper has come to light again, but this time not aimed at me. For legal reasons I can't disclose any further information on this, but I've recently discovered he's told professionals it was my behaviour that drove him to to injuring me ( we were having cross words at the time, however nothing too serious ( in my eyes) ).

I'm all over the place at the minute. Doubting if it was my behaviour, asking myself if it was my fault, did I cause it?


If the abuse was aimed at your children (and I'm guessing here) get out now.

Sorry if the above sounds harsh, but I lived for nearly 18 years with domestic abuse. It took me years to leave and 4 years of counselling to realise none of it was my fault. I put up with the "sorry but you made me do it" excuses, the black bruised faces, the emotional torment, my friends and family deserted me because I pushed them away because of him. I remember the fear of him walking through the door at night, being called fat (I'm 9 stone), ugly, and many other things. It's easy for me to say now but get out!!! BUT I know it's not that easy to leave and by God I thought about it many times but never had the courage to do it. My ex used to say "the red mist comes down and YOU make me do these things". I now know he had anger management problems.

I hope you get out soon and not waste another minute of your life on a male with a penis. A male with a penis is different to a man, a man knows how to treat another person with respect, and without violence.

My advice is to get him out of your life and do it NOW, otherwise you will forever be his victim and punchbag. No-one deserves to be that.