14 yo son totally blanking me - What now ?

cjj_2

Thanks
If anything I am way too soft (that could be the problem). I think id just had enough of the disrespect and that is why I took all the gadgets. He knows he will get them back when he is respectful though x

Gingham_R

You don't deserve it, I agree. However, the way round it may not be to punish him.

Punishment is a tricky area for parents and I know I don't always make the right choices, but I try very hard not to inflict punishment on my kids because:

a) I don't believe it's particularly effective
b) I think it builds hostility and resentment
c) Kids end up getting punished for things they genuinely couldn't help doing
d) Kids get punished for things that could have been avoided by a positive approach first.
e) It can cause communication problems and lack of trust.

That doesn't mean that kids can get away with whatever they like - there need to be rules and there need to be consequences for their actions. They need to learn how to behave decently and that's easier if they feel it's their choice rather than they're being forced into it.

Can I recommend 'How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk'? I think the approach outlined in that book opens all sorts of doors for avoiding this sort of behaviour in kids because they learn how to articulate their feelings and know they'll be respected when they do.

That might mean, for example, being prepared to listen to him saying he hates you taking away his stuff - or even that he hates you for doing it - but having rules that you won't listen if he swears or shouts at you. Then working things out together to change things. The book explains how.

Good luck!

Seanymph

Have you been clear with him as to what he can do to get back in your good books.

I know what you mean by 'respectful' - but does he?

I know with my teen son I have to be clear. If I leave him to 'interpret' my requirements he's a bit adrift.

For instance I demand please and thankyou, still - and remind him like a toddler if he forgets. I don't do lifts unless I'm specifically asked. Don't say 'I've got football thursday', say 'please will you take me to football thursday'. Do not use that tone with me, I speak reasonably to you, walk out of the room, come back and have another go and I may say yes'.

It's tiring, exhausting, repetitive, and thankless. But I hang onto the fact that when he's married he'll be reasonable to his wife and children and THEY can thank me

hermanmunster_3

I would be concerned that in taking away the laser pen you had possibly treated him as a very young child. he is 14 and able to discuss and understand the risks of such an item. If you just took it off me I would be cross too and even more cross if you took other things off me too. You would have to work quite hard to get my respect back.

Gigglepig

OP I think it is very reasonable to insist that he speaks to you in a respectful manner - some good advice from Seanymph regarding that.

Also... the number one role model a son has for treating his mum with respect is his dad/father figure... so OP if you feel your OH undermines you in any way that may be relevant, and perhaps you need to have a talk with your OH about that.

splishsplash

cjj wrote: »

Thanks
If anything I am way too soft (that could be the problem). I think id just had enough of the disrespect and that is why I took all the gadgets. He knows he will get them back when he is respectful though x

Are you saying you don't usually react very much when you think he's being disrespectful, then flipped out and took everything away all of a sudden? It may be that he is getting inconsistent messages from you, and is now in a huff because he hasn't a clue what set off this explosion. With teenagers, you really need clear boundaries and set limits with predictable consequences (boys need this especially, I find, or is that just in my house?), but at this age, a little room for negotiation is important too.


Btw, why are laser pointers a problem? Are you talking about those cheapy things you get in the poundshop that take shed loads of the little round batteries? We always have four or five of them around the house to use as cat toys, but I've never been worried about any risks from them. A 14 year old is hardly going to point them at anyone's eyes, is he? Why was in necessary to confiscate it?

kelpie35

fluffnutter wrote: »

Why not just let him get on with his sulk?

Have to agree with you.

Show him that you and the rest of the family have a life.

Good luck

FatVonD

If the punishment was made in anger and a little excessive then why not sit him down and tell him you're sorry you overreacted and that adults mess up too sometimes but you still expect an apology for the rudeness. If nothing else it'll wrong foot him

Re a normal sulk, I'd just leave him to it, he's going to get hungry sooner or later (as a mother of a 14-year-old boy myself I'd say that'll be sooner rather than later)

heretolearn_2

If it's a narky tone of voice he uses that upsets you, ignore it. I think teenagers can't help themselves and you just need to gently remind them now and then about how they sound. Most of the time they don't mean it. We had a 19 year old at work recently and we had to speak to her a few times about her tone of voice, she really struggled to stop sounding all 'Kevin' because that's how they speak all the time with their friends, but she got the point and tried. I remember my son could say one word that would just cut me to pieces from the tone. He could make you feel about 1" tall. But I also remember upsetting my own mum and not understanding why she'd reacted the way she did to something that seemed perfectly ok to me...teenagers get dumb for a few years.

On the sulks, don't play tit for tat, you are an adult. Best thing to do is not ignore HIM, but ignore the sulky behaviour. Carry on normally. He'll crack in a few days and it gives him space to back down and start behaving normally again himself without any fuss, whereas if you turn it into a war of 'who can keep this up longest' you'll both be regretting it but have no way to bring it to an end.

victory

I have to agree with you, you don't deserve it you are a good mum but he sees it completely different to you, he is a teen, with an attitude and he wants to be heard but goes about it all wrong and so the negatives stick and the positives don't shine anymore.


gingham is right, punishment is a tricky one, it enhances the negatives, it has catch 22, oh right take that off me see if I care attitude attached to it which makes you take more off which them go off on one again and so it goes on...

sean is so right it is exhausting, you could scream with frustration, cry with fury, how dare he disrespect me? How dare he speak to me like that? How dare he etc etc and it is draining, takes up a lot of time, is so thankless but in the long run the repetition, the no you are not having, no you cannot behave like that, no I will not let you get away with it in the end they change, realise that life could be a lot easier and your life then becomes easier.

I know it takes a super human feat to see the positives amongst the negatives with your son but there are loads and yes you are a great mum, he will be telling you that in 10 years time but for now try to remain calm, positive yourself and keep saying hello:D