14 yo son totally blanking me - What now ?

Lunar_Eclipse

cjj wrote: »

have never had an apology back. Even when I appologise he still holds things against me for a while.

At an appropriate unrelated time, I would address this. It is very important for him to learn to apologise.

I think females find it easier to say sorry, but all adults need to know when and how to apologise. It's incredibly arrogant behaviour not to follow an apology with an apology if both parties have acted in a manner that is less than perfect (which is usually the case in disagreements, even if one person didn't respond via the disrespectful silent treatment.)

I am wondering how much of his behaviour is influenced by your husband. (I also didn't think a laser pen was worth any fuss at his age.)

Caroline_a

Many years ago I worked with YTYS trainees. They came to us as raw 16 year olds and we tried our hardest to turn them into adults at 18. When they came in initially I told them that I considered that they were nearly grown up once they could admit that they had been wrong and were big enough to apologise for it.

Interestingly enough, the ones who made it to the end could always do this. The rest became big people who were always right and if they were wrong lied about it

pimento

hermanmunster wrote: »

I would be concerned that in taking away the laser pen you had possibly treated him as a very young child. he is 14 and able to discuss and understand the risks of such an item. If you just took it off me I would be cross too and even more cross if you took other things off me too. You would have to work quite hard to get my respect back.

This.

What will you do if he ever does something really wrong? You've used all your ammo on something and nothing.

the_cat

I found the most effective tool in my teenager armoury was to make it known (at an in between arguements stage!) that I felt that he was now 'almost an adult' and that if he could prove to me by his behaviour and attitude that he were deserving of this, then I was prepared to let them have a more adult relationship with me

Eg. bedtimes were always a source of contention. Nothing major, just the normal roll-eyes, door slamming, 'my friends all stay up till 4am' stuff. I said that if he could prove to me that he was mature enough to decide his own bedtime, and that I saw no signs of tiredness/slacking off at his studies etc then fair enough. The second it became clear that he couldn't be sensible about it, I would be forced to concede that he 'wasn't yet old enough' and take back the reins.
It was pointed out that proper adults do NOT stay up until stupid o'clock except maybe for a special occasion, just immature kids did that. And that mum would take a very dim view of that sort of 'childish' behaviour and act accordingly

For him (and now his brother too), this reverse phsycology worked a treat. Your DS needs to learn that maturity is not an age but a way of acting with and around others. I found that giving mine enough rope to hang themselves with a couple of times got the message across far more effectively than anything else I tried

epsilondraconis

As it appears the laser pointer was the beginning of the disagreement (and it appears the son wasn't being stupid with the laser pointer), it could be argued that the OP was somewhat over cautious in their protection of their son.

On this occasion how about the OP sitting down with their son and discuss the situation around the table. The OP could say that having thought about their actions, they feel they were too quick to remove the laser pointer when they should have just explained the dangers of the pointer to the son. Provided the son also says sorry for their subsequent actions then surely that is a better resolution that each side becoming entrenched over something quite petty.

If the son then goes onto mess about with the laser pointer putting people in harm's way, then obviously the OP can come down on the son like a ton of bricks.

ALIBOBSY

I read something recently where they said teenage issues aren't just about hormones. There are actual changes in brain structure where lots of extra brain connections are made, many which are of no use. Once the body is fully mature and the hormones settle the brain seems to select the connections it need and lose these extra connections that are on no use. This seems to be the way you brains makes you into the "adult" version of you and must be very confusing. Almost like senility in reverse.

My 13 nearly 14 yr old is much the same, but we found the ignore it and encourage adult behaviour seems to work best.

Ali x

Seanymph

It was in the National Geographic two months ago - apparently they are re-routing their hardwiring in the brain, don't have the consequences receptors in place so take risks.

Another I have done recently (thinking about it) was point out what he said - it was a lecture about not having asked for a lift back, we were in the car on the way there when I asked him how he was getting home. Stunned silence. I pointed out that I was not necessarily available all day Saturday, that I wasn't intending to sit by the phone awaiting his call.

I got 'I'll walk home then' (12 miles!), and when I carried on because he STILL hadn't asked (nor apologised) he said 'it's too late now anyway I've already done it'.

I had to calm down before I explained that there is never a point in your life, or a person, where it's appropriate to not take on responsiblity for your actions by saying 'it's too late now'. That it wouldn't serve him with me now, with an employer, or with his wife.

It was silent for four minutes then he apologised.

Sometimes you have to point it out - he was stroppy and abrupt on the way to the horses one day, I dropped him off, collected him two hours later - after much mucking out and field poo picking. I explained, calmly, on the way home, that I had made the time free and was going to help him because it was raining, but as he'd spoken to me so unpleasantly I changed my mind. That talking to people nicely gets more co-operation.

It's uphill - but I see my job as pointing out the downside of behaviour - not correcting it necessarily, but trying to stay calm (white knuckled on the steering wheel!) and pointing out how it makes you miss out on stuff.

It's different to parenting kids when you just correct them, you need to effect consequences, but point out how they are responsible for those consequences.

Starrystarrynight

I think what you've done is right, OP.
I don't have any kids myself, but lots of children nowadays seem to have so many material things from what I see and read on forums like this, but don't always appear to show any appreciation for the parents who provide them.
I appreciate that parents want to give their kids nice things, but they certainly don't deserve to be treated like dirt afterwards.

pelirocco

Nicki wrote: »

Have I got this wrong? You took your son's laser pen away from him (not a bad decision in itself) and he was annoyed by this, so to punish his annoyance you also removed his PS and his ipod and you grounded him. The next day he did something "minor" and he also lost his DS. This seems to me to be a lot of very harsh punishments for what are on your own admission very minor infractions, yet you wonder why your husband isn't supporting you and your son has retreated into hurt silence.

I'm all for actions having consequences but also for the punishment to be proportionate to the crime. If your son loses all of his luxury leisure items and is simultaneously grounded for a bit of cheek and something else minor, what have you left in your arsenal for when he seriously misbehaves? What would the consequence be if he stayed out later than he's allowed to and came home drunk for example, or if you discovered he was truanting from school, or involved in nasty gang activity.

To add to your already harshness by forcing him into a situation where he is going hungry or surviving on a hunk of bread and cheese, isn't my definition of good parenting. Personally, I'd be having a frank conversation with him about what you both did wrong over the last couple of days and forging some kind of agreement as to how to move forward and what is expected of you both, and this would include acknowledging you over reacted and returning at least some of his possessions to him.

As a mother of 3 ( grown up ) sons , the best advice i can give is to pick your battles . The battle of wills is one you are always going to loose lol . Its very easy to get sucked into tit for tat punishments , but its best to take a step back and think is it really worth all the pain to get an acknowledgement that you know best ?

You have to remember he is 14 , its not an easy age , and It will get worse trust me . Life is too short , save the rows for the big stuff

cheepskate_2

I have just skimmed through the responses but, what did strike me wasd,

Your son is 14.......and you don't trust him with a lazer pen.

In 2 years or less he will be a man and can do anything without your consent. If he hasnt learnt rules by now, then .....

I personally think you have treated him like a child, my son has always been about lazer pens as like someone else we use them as cat toys, I would not class them as something a 14 year old needs his mum to take off him.