14 yo son totally blanking me - What now ?

System

The punishment should fit the crime and i would have done exactly the same thing as you. Just let him sulk.

renegade

We all know 14yr olds live for their gadgets, are very hormonal,get anti social at times.
I think you were bit too harsh with your punishments, you should not have taken the ipod and his PS3 not threatened to cut him off from his friends by not buying him top up, 1 would have been sufficient, no wonder he is sulking, you have now become the enemy in the camp and he wants to hurt you like you have hurt him, this is what you have taught him by your actions!

This attitude of ' he will need me before i need him' is very immature, and will solve nothing.

Ask him to sit down with you and discuss the issues you have with him, give him time to reflect on his behaviour and you on yours, you can compromise by giving 1 item back if he apologises.

Don't create a war between the 2 of you , you have to live together , if you don't then down the line he will be the first to move out to get away from you, you don't want that do you?

Lunar_Eclipse

It's a shame you aren't on the same page as your husband. At some point, I would try to tackle this and see if you can agree on an approach that communicates a united front.

I also know first hand how it feels to be disrespected, by both my own children and my parents when I was a child. Generally, I'd carry on normally if my child chose to ignore me and refuse to allow it to spiral into something bigger.

In this instance, whilst it's hard to tell without knowing the full facts, it sounds like you possibly over reacted and lashed out. I have no idea how confiscating his possessions will make him respect you more. (Would it work if your husband confiscated your possessions when you had a minor disagreement?) Logic tells me this could be counter productive, since it's not respectful, and so the cycle continues. Not topping up his phone could be a natural consequence of that behaviour.

So in these circumstances, if I was either of you, I'd be angry. When I have found myself in these parenting quandries, I've started by offering an apology myself, which is usually then followed by one. However, this is because I have acknowledged my over reaction, so if you don't feel that is true in this situation, you will probably opt for a different approach.

JustBe_2

As my wee mum used to say "let him stew in his own juice" he`ll soon come round.

Justbe

peachyprice

I do think your punishments for relatively minor infractions are extreme, it leaves you nowhere to go if he does do anything really bad.

You seem to be taking out your OH's lack of support on your son, who is probably seeing you as a total tyrant for what he considers normal teenage behaviour. I'm not saying you are, just seeing it from his POV.

I think you need to address the two issues separately. Firstly Your OH needs a bloody good talking too, you both need to be reading from the same page, otherwise this will continually lead to the situation where your son is playing you off against each other and you are always coming out as the bad cop. You need his support, even if he disagrees with you and that should be discussed out of earshot of your son. Did you discuss what punishment your son deserved with your OH before talking to your son?

Secondly, sorry, but I think you need to apologise to your son for your over-reaction, Be honest with him, tell him how he made you feel. He'll respect you far more for treating him like a young adult than a child.

Seanymph

Why not talk to him?

I think I'd sit down in his room and say 'I don't like you not speaking to me - I don't like us being in conflict - It you are angry then we can talk about that, I got cross when you reacted to my taking the pen away but I want us to move this forwards'.

I too (with my youngest 15 and eldest 21, I have five) think you are taking a hammer to crack a nut. It's a hard time these teenage years, and you need to have somewhere to go. They don't need friends, they need parents I totally agree, but the all controlling role we have had has to change and involve compromise and negotiation as well as a review of what's acceptable.

i would have taken the pen off him, with an explanation - but he could have paddied all he wanted he woulnd't have got any MORE punishment for paddying, I'd got the pen he hadn't that's where it ends.

We need to be respected by our teens - so we have to be perceived to be fair even if what we are doing they don't like.

paddy's_mum

cjj wrote: »

Oh has never backed me up with discapline ever

Sounds like your husband needs to have a few privileges withdrawn too!

cjj_2

Hi
I dont think the opening post quite told the story.
To explain better the punishments were not much to do with the minor incident at all and fully to do with the absolute lack of respect he has for me (how he speaks to me). This is not the 1st time by any means. I have in the past always talked to him and apologised if I was in the wrong but have never had an apology back. Even when I appologise he still holds things against me for a while. I do know I am a good Mum and dont deserve this kind of treatment. x

sassyblue

Hi cjj, l haven't got a teenager, yet! but l know the best way to deal with your post above is to ignore him ignoring you and rise above it. My mum and dad would tell me off and do that and it used to rile me that they weren't carrying it on like l wanted to at that hormonal age. :rotfl:

You are a good mum as you have punished bad behaviour but forgiveness has to happen too.

Don't expect forgiveness from a teenager though! But one day a beautiful well mannered person will hopefully emerge from that hormonal cocoon.

Seanymph

If we got what we deserved from teenagers it wouldn't be such an awful time

I retell a story repeatedly because it's lovely, but a friend phoned her house from work knowing her 14 year old son was at home and he picked up the phone and didn't even speak. Not even hello! I was complaining to her that my son wasn't speaking to me enough - that was her response. It could have been anyone on the phone, he had no idea but just couldn't be bothered to speak at all.

I tell you, they turn into a different breed.

Keep talking to him, be firm, unmoving, and fair - and by the time he leaves his teen years you'll be doing fine.