14 yo son totally blanking me - What now ?

cjj_2

Hi
I had to tell my 14 yo old ds off the other night over something minor. The day before I had took a laser pen off him that his mate had given him because I dont want him to have it due to the dangers of them. I have grounded him for the back chat he gave me and took his ipod and ps3 away. I also said I would not top up his phone until he showed me some respect. Now he is totally ignoring me which is making me really mad as I am a good Mum and I feel he is treating me badly. Last night he went to his room after school and I said if he came down and appologised he didint need to stay in his room he could come down and be with the family. As long as he shows respect I want to move on from this but it seems he does not. How do I move forward from this ( i just want a nice peaceful life). Oh has never backed me up with discapline ever which does not help. TIA x

fluffnutter

Why not just let him get on with his sulk?

seafarers_wife

I know it's not a mature response but I would play him at his own game and ignore him, I'd cook and do any washing that got put in the correct place but I wouldn't speak to him. E.g family gets a takeaway, as he isn't speaking to you well he can't have anything as he can't tell you what he wants.

I used to dothat to my brother when he really upset me and nothing got him to behave better to me for a while and then we had to repeat it

RedBern

keep doing what you're doing, and tell your OH to grow a pair and start supporting you.

You're the adult, you set the rules. If your son wants to spend time in his room doing his homework that's fine - presumably there's no tv in there that he can sit and watch all night.:)

In your shoes (I too have a son who tried this tactic when younger) just speak to him normally and ignore him ignoring you. It won't half irritate him! However, don't give in on the 'phone top-up, get an apology off him.

cjj_2

Thanks I will let him get on with it, he will need me before I need him lol. I will try my best to ignore him too. I think he thinks its punishing me ignoring me which I guess it is really, although I wont let him see its bothering me x

Angela

Dont give in.
Let him get on with his sulk.
He will be asking for things he wants soon enough.

Be strong

gingin_2

I'd not totally ignore him. I'd say hello when he came in to give him a chance but if he wants to continue to ignore, he can have a loaf of bread and a lump of cheese to make himself some food, he can have a basket of his crumpled clothes to iron and he can have his tv and anything electrical ( because you pay the bills ) taken away until he learns respect.

fluffnutter

Sulking is passive-aggressive behaviour and the best way to deal with it is to pretend it's not happening. Just treat him normally (as normally as you can seeing as he's in his room all the time). If you bump into him whilst he's on his way to the bathroom or whatever, just be bright and breezy like nothing's happening. Ask him if he wants some tea; if he doesn't come down and eat with you, then don't take him some food, just let him go without.

Don't give in to it, but try not to acknowledge it either. Just act like nothing's happened. Sulking only works as long as it gets a reaction. When he stops sulking, time for a non-judgemental chat.

And it's a real shame that your husband's not backing you up. Two things jumped out of your post for me.. 1) you're upset because you feel you're a good mum and you don't think your son's appreciating this and 2) your OH doesn't back you up. Seems like you're feeling a bit unsupported, tbh. It's a lonely place to be. Remember though that most teenagers won't assess whether you're a good mum or not - he's not making some judgement about your qualities and abilities. You're just mum and no doubt he loves you to bits. Your husband, however, should be more supportive.

Nicki

Have I got this wrong? You took your son's laser pen away from him (not a bad decision in itself) and he was annoyed by this, so to punish his annoyance you also removed his PS and his ipod and you grounded him. The next day he did something "minor" and he also lost his DS. This seems to me to be a lot of very harsh punishments for what are on your own admission very minor infractions, yet you wonder why your husband isn't supporting you and your son has retreated into hurt silence.

I'm all for actions having consequences but also for the punishment to be proportionate to the crime. If your son loses all of his luxury leisure items and is simultaneously grounded for a bit of cheek and something else minor, what have you left in your arsenal for when he seriously misbehaves? What would the consequence be if he stayed out later than he's allowed to and came home drunk for example, or if you discovered he was truanting from school, or involved in nasty gang activity.

To add to your already harshness by forcing him into a situation where he is going hungry or surviving on a hunk of bread and cheese, isn't my definition of good parenting. Personally, I'd be having a frank conversation with him about what you both did wrong over the last couple of days and forging some kind of agreement as to how to move forward and what is expected of you both, and this would include acknowledging you over reacted and returning at least some of his possessions to him.

fluffnutter

Great post, Nicki. Reading between the lines (sorry if I'm making unfair assumptions) I think the OP feels really unsupported, both by her OH and her son. This is why the 'backchat' was so upsetting. It's a real kick in the teeth to not only have a husband who dismisses how you feel about things and what you feel is important, but then to see it in your son too. I think that's the reason for the fairly extreme reaction - she's sensitised to not being taken seriously and is digging in as a result.

rachbc

I managed a week once of not talking to my dad. After the first day of mum trying to get me to talk they just carried on totally normally til I cracked. Good luck