really down at the moment problems with eldest son

ilikewatch

It's probably not want you (or your son) want to hear right now, but a colleagues 20 year old son recently had a similair situation - he "hadn't realised" that he couldn't keep his uninsured car parked on the street while he saved up for another years insurance. He received a £180 fine with a £35(?) victim surcharge, but when he tried to reinsure the vehicle following conviction the cheapest premium he could get was £2300 a year - the previous year had been £650...

FBaby

On the basis that he has always been responsible, and this is the first time he is running into trouble, I would definitely help. He made a mistake, he is too proud to ask for hel (good for him), but sometimes, being a parent is being there to pick up the pieces.

I would get it back, give it to him, don't expect anything in return (it is a gesture of love), but do make it clear that you won't do it again because if he thinks you will always bail him out, he will never learn. Maybe you helping him in this occasion without judging him will make him realise that he can come to you for advice and support. In the end, that's what you want, that he doesn't see you as critical of his choices and can come to you for advice.

I suspect he is just tasting the waters and will soon sort himself out. I got into debts in my 20s that I look back on shamefully. My partner was no better, but we both learnt our lesson and never got into trouble again. We are now over careful adults!!!

kymie

Have you tried talking to them both together? I know the GF is young but she is equally responsible in the running costs of their home. I think we all had to learn as youngsters, so maybe with a bit of guidance they can look at their finances incomings v outgoings and realise changes are needed. I wouldnt offer much in the way of financial help just yet, as until they admit they arent managing they wont really learn if you bail them out too quickly. Cars really are expensive to run, maybe start by talking to them and helping them work out per year how much their car costs - MOT, tax, insurance, fuel, wear and tear etc, then working out if they really need it and can afford it.

I doubt you would be telling your son things he doesnt already know, it sounds like you did a good job bringing him up if he had already managed savings etc, but sometimes its just hard making that transition from a child to an adult and accepting real life with all its bills and things! With adulthood comes responsibilities and commitments that need taking care of! They will find out their priorities eventually! I wish you all the best!

cte1111

I think, if you bail him out this time, then you will be doing so for many years to come. My ex's Mum always 'helped' him by giving him money when he got in a financial mess. IMHO it meant that he never had to grow up and take responsibility for his own mess (and indeed career as he never pushed himself to get a better paid job as he had no need).

It's a horrible lesson for your son to learn and a horrible experience for you to have to see, but it's the only way he is going to acknowledge that his plan was as unrealistic as you already knew.

Ames

I don't know if it'll help but here's my story.

Early 20s, ran up debts, dad wouldn't help said it was my mess and my job to clear it up. Credit rating ruined which meant that I've not been able to get into debt again and had to learn how to live within my means, so I learnt my lesson. It was rough for a couple of years but now I'm ok.

Sisters story:

Early 20s, ran up debt. Dad paid it. A couple of years later, ran up debt. Dad paid it. A couple of years later, ran up debt. Dad paid it. A couple of years later, ran up debt, paid it off with an inheritance. A few months later, ran up debt. Dad can't afford to pay it off. Very stressy sister who's having to learn very quickly how to budget, and is in a situation (living in London) where her outgoings are higher than her income.


Please don't bail him out. Be there for him, show him this site, go through his budget, make sure he knows he can tell you just how deep the hole is without you judging him. But don't give him cash.

FBaby

Ames wrote: »

Sisters story:

Early 20s, ran up debt. Dad paid it. A couple of years later, ran up debt. Dad paid it. A couple of years later, ran up debt. Dad paid it. A couple of years later, ran up debt, paid it off with an inheritance. A few months later, ran up debt. Dad can't afford to pay it off. Very stressy sister who's having to learn very quickly how to budget, and is in a situation (living in London) where her outgoings are higher than her income.

That was his error, bailing her the 2nd time. I think many make ONE mistake and learn from them bailed out or not, however, second time, clearly the lesson hasn't been learnt and won't be. I am considered a 'tough' mum, but would bail out my kids once, but twice, certainly not.

WhiteHorse

dancecrazylegs wrote: »

its a long story but basically my eldest son met his girlfriend about a year ago, when he met her he was 19 she was 16, he was at college full time with a part time job in sainsburys,she was at school. he had always said thet he wanted to join the raf and get a good career until he met her and every thing just changed,he dropped out of college with only a few months left on the course to the end of it. they got a flat together ...

He is immature, although he seems to have been fairly sensible until she came into the picture.

You will have to give him the straight truth. You also need to assess just how much of a hold she has over him.

If she is the dominant partner, then bailing him out is a waste of time. In that situation, just content yourself with telling him the truth and let him get on with it.

You can say that when he's got his head straight, you will be happy to help him, but not before.

Wellyboots6

Just my two penneth worth, but I agree with Ames

I was in a similar situation to your son when I was younger. I ran up huge debts by not knowing how to budget properly and burying my head in the sand.

My parents bailed me out, and despite being determined not to do it again I did.

They bailed me out again, and I was even more determined not to do it again. I did.

I am now in a mess again, and yet again they have bailed me out. Again I am determined not do it again, but I am terrified I am not going to manage.

I feel guilty, like a burden and incredibly stupid.

I am also still not sure how to budget and I am nearly 30!!

Please don't bail him out unless you absolutely have to. Work with him on budgeting, it will help him so much more in the future.

yvonne13_2

OP your son is an adult let him learn from his own mistakes, your son hasn't asked for help yet and you never know perhaps this was supposed to happen for him to focus on what he wanted to do with his life in the first place.

Bangton

This resonates with me. I moved out at 19, wracked up debt, couldn't afford anything.

One day my dad came round, promised to be calm and discussed the debts I had wracked up. He lent me the money so I could get straight and pay him back what I could afford with a bit of a push. I'll always be grateful to him for that loan and for coming to me when I needed him but was too pig headed to say so. My heart says help him out but expect him to pay some or all of it back.