really down at the moment problems with eldest son

19lottie82

sooty&sweep wrote: »

If he gave me a clear plan of how he's going to sort his and his girlfrieds financial issues in the long term then I would probably do my best to help.
If he's just asking for money with no intention of changing his lifestyle then I would probably say No.

Jen, I don't think it's a case of him being more responsible with money or changing him lifestyle, as such. If the OP gives him cash while he still has the flat, he's always going to need more.

The simple fact is he cannot afford to run a home on his wage, never mind a car as well.

He needs to realise this and throw in the towel, but this would mean him swallowing his pride. Big time. And how many 19 year olds do you know that would be willing to do that?

elantan

mine did at 18 ... and dropped out of uni as well ... moved back home till he was 20 saved up enough money and bought himself a home ... he came back a changed person and things worked out much better this time round, he also recognised that he needed the stability that his home family could bring, he is now doing much better, has bought his own home, is in 3rd year at uni doing really well, has a wee part time job 25 hours a week bringing in more money that his dad, drives his own car and does exceptionally well now

but it has not been an easy journey for any of us ... it can be done... it's how it is approached that can make all the difference in the world

i am sure the op will do brilliantly and her son will be fine

dancecrazylegs

19lottie82 wrote: »

can he not get public transport to work? 8 miles isn't that far....

I'm guessing if he is a 19 year old college drop out and working in a supermarket he is earning minimum wage. Is he full time?

Does his g/f work f/t too? Or does he support her?

Even if she does, I still imagine that anyone would struggle to pay 1/2 the bills in a rental flat AND afford to run a car, especially with the high insuarnce costs for teenagers at the moment.

Would you ideally want him to move back home? If he came home would it be an option for his g/f to come too? What's her situation? 16/17 seesm quite young to move out fo home and get a flat with your b/f?

Obviously he isn't goign to listen to you if you are nagging at him, but could you sit down and work out his incomings / outgoings and show him how his debt is just going to spiral unless he takes a more realistic approach? You said that he has been in the flat for almost a year. Perhaps ask him to re assess the situation when he comes to the end of his 12 month lease? (if this is the case)

yes his girlfreind has started an apprenticeship, i think this probably only brings in around £120 per week,and i think my son would be bringing home around £180,the thing is its my stupid soft son that is paying the rent, bills etc and has got himself into debt, and i think all she is buying is a bit of shopping and keeping her money, the rent alone is £350 per month,
i dont think he wants to accept defeat and move back home this is why he is in denial,life has been much more harmonious whilst he has been in his own flat we all know that teenagers arnt always great to be around, and i wont relish the thought of him coming home, but i would have him back and try to help him

dancecrazylegs

19lottie82 wrote: »

Jen, I don't think it's a case of him being more responsible with money or changing him lifestyle, as such. If the OP gives him cash while he still has the flat, he's always going to need more.

The simple fact is he cannot afford to run a home on his wage, never mind a car as well.

He needs to realise this and throw in the towel, but this would mean him swallowing his pride. Big time. And how many 19 year olds do you know that would be willing to do that?

you have sumed it up exactly, i just worry how low he will get before he throws in the towel

19lottie82

I guess it would be possible for them to run the flat on that wage IF the GF contributes too. Your son doesn't earn enough to support her. BUT it will be hard and take a lot of budgeting. Can you help him with this? Sit down and go throught their incomings and outgoings, how much they have left each week after bills.....

However, based on what you've told us, the car has to go. No wonder he's in debt!

You say he NEEDS it to get to work. Does he really? If so, I'd suggest he starts looking for another job closer to home. If not, tell him to get a bus pass.

He needs to understand that if he wants to continue renting this flat, it means MAJOR cutbacks. No car. No new clothes, No nights out. No take aways....... Do you think he grasps this fact?

dancecrazylegs

19lottie82 wrote: »

I guess it would be possible for them to run the flat on that wage BUT it will be hard and take a lot of budgeting. Can you help him with this? Sit down and go throught their incomings and outgoings, how much they have left each week after bills.....

However, based on what you've told us, the car has to go. No wonder he's in debt!

You say he NEEDS it to get to work. Does he really? If so, I'd suggest he starts looking for another job closer to home. If not, tell him to get a bus pass.

He needs to understand that if he wants to continue renting this flat, it means MAJOR cutbacks. No car. No new clothes, No nights out. No take aways....... Do you think he grasps this fact?

i was thinking this, maybe he could get a tranfer to to the sainsburys that is nearer to us, he only works at the sainsburys in the neighbouring town as they were recruiting at the time,he used to understand the meaning of budgeting and saving before he met the girlfreind, but when she came along it all went out of the window and he was soon spending more than he was earning on meals out etc at places like tgi fridays and pizza express not cheap places,he had £2000 in savings now he is £2000 in debt if not more

19lottie82

I know it's prob not a big help saying this but on the upside, he can't go on like this forever, as you said he has to throw in the towel and some point and he's still young. Even though the situation isn't ideal, maybe it's best he learns this lesson in life sooner rather than later.

All you can do is try and offer him advice and be there to support him when he needs (and wants) it.

What does he say when you try to speak to him about his overspending and debt?

Do you think the girlfriend will still want to know when he realises he can't pay her way anymore?

pukkamum

I pretty much did the same thing at his age DH and i got as flat together when i was 19 and he was 21 and we had no idea about budgeting!
To us given a choice between partying and paying bills partying always won!

We got in debt not a huge amount but enough to have the bailiffs knocking on the door about 5 yrs in mainly for non payment of council tax etc.

It got to a point where even though we were both working full time we had no money for the gas and electric metre and had to shower at his mums and more often than not there would be nothing in the bank on payday.

We never asked for help from our parents and never wanted them to know.

We learned our lesson and by the time we had our son we had started to sort ourselves out.

We both think that getting onto debt when young was actually the best thing that could have happened to us, we had no mortgage so no house to lose no assets whatsoever and the only people suffering were ourselves, it completely changed our attitude towards money and we both will never ever allow ourselves to get in debt again, so basically i am saying don't help him, let him experience the true nightmare of being in debt whilst he is young enough to recover from it and hopefuly it will teach him a good lesson in life xx

RAS

dancecrazylegs wrote: »

yes his girlfreind has started an apprenticeship, i think this probably only brings in around £120 per week,and i think my son would be bringing home around £180,the thing is its my stupid soft son that is paying the rent, bills etc and has got himself into debt, and i think all she is buying is a bit of shopping and keeping her money, the rent alone is £350 per month,
i dont think he wants to accept defeat and move back home this is why he is in denial,life has been much more harmonious whilst he has been in his own flat we all know that teenagers arnt always great to be around, and i wont relish the thought of him coming home, but i would have him back and try to help him

How about you suggest he checks whether they can get any support to help with the rent? www.turn2us.org.uk

Can he claim the single person's council tax discount given her age?

Errata

In your shoes I wouldn't be making any decisions until I knew exactly what state his finances were in, it may be that he's also behind with rent, CT and utilities but you won't know until he tells you and shows you proof.
That given, get the car back, sell it to cover your outlay on recovering it and buy him a bike to get to work.