really down at the moment problems with eldest son

dancecrazylegs

its a long story but basically my eldest son met his girlfreind about a year ago, when he met her he was 19 she was 16,he was at college full time with a part time job in sainsburys,she was at school. he had always said thet he wanted to join the raf and get a good career until he met her and every thing just changed,he dropped out of college with only a few months left on the course to the end of it. they got a flat together against our advice we said he would never beable to manage to pay the rent and bills on the small amount of wage he was getting,i would have loved to have been proved wrong! when he left our home he had £2000 in savings as i had always advised him to look after his money by taking a set amount out each week to spend and putting the rest in savings,and each month he put around £100 away to cover his car insurance for the coming year. all the money he earnt was his we never took board from him!
he has been in the flat for less than a year and he has run up around £2000 in debts on a credit card and overdraft this is just what we are aware of, i think he has tried to sort it out by going to a debt management company,but the worst part of all of this was yesterday i was on my way to the local post office when i spotted my sons car on the back of a recovery vehicle with 2 large bright orange stickers on the front and back windows saying uninsured driver! all i can say is it was fate for me to be driving past as his car was being towed away.
shortly after i called to his flat to find out what had happened and he said that his insurance had been cancelled as he was paying it in installments and one of the payments wasnt paid by the bank as there was insuffiecient funds to cover it! he says he was not aware that his insurance was cancelled at the time!
i really despair of him and wonder what we did wrong in bringing him up,he was always such a good lad never got into trouble, the thing is i dont know what to do, i have a dilema, do we try to help him get the car back by paying the insurance, paying the get the car back,and then pay the fine this will probably cost us around £600 money i know that my son wont have, or do i just leave him to it to sort it out for himself,
as time goes on i know he is just going to dig himself deeper in the s*** so by helping him will just delay the ineviatable?
does anyone have any advice what should we do help him or leave him to it ?
please no nasty comments feeling really low and tearful at the moment

Pee

He's 19, he has no idea about budgeting or prioritising money... that does sound like every other 19 year old I have ever met.

I think we need to get into a mess to learn how to stand on our own feet, all humans, and so you shouldn't be too concerned. I am sure your guidance will pay off in the end.

I would suggest you help him as much as he will let you with support and advice. That you look at what he can do etc and maybe lend him money if you can afford it with a repayment plan that he can afford. Really though, the onus is on him to sort this out.

escortg3

If it was my son i would leave him without a car. you could bail him out with the insurance but what next no MOT, no tax

Well his insurance with a new company will be more expensive than the last as he has had insurance cancelled.

He is an adult now and has made his choices. He is not going to get out of the situation he is in whilst he doesnt have enough to live on.

We as parents are there to pick up the pieces but only after they try to help themselves.

ilikewatch

dancecrazylegs wrote: »

i have a dilema, do we try to help him get the car back by paying the insurance, paying the get the car back,and then pay the fine this will probably cost us around £600 money i know that my son wont have, or do i just leave him to it to sort it out for himself.

From a purely practical point of view, if the car is worth something maybe you should offer to lend your son enough money to get the car insured for a week or two, and get it out of the car pound so he can sell it and prevent it being crushed (in which case he would lose it completely). Bear in mind that with a conviction for no insurance his premiums will rocket and he may not be in a position to run a car for some time.

happy35

I think you will have to find out the full extent of his and his girlfriend's financial situation, it may still be possible to sort it out

They are both still very young, sometimes you have to make your own mistakes before you realise you do need help and your parents did know what they were talking about

Are they both working or claiming benefits? Are they getting all the help they are entitled to

If he doesnt need the car for work then I wouldnt pay to get it back, running a car costs and is a cost that he could do without right now

I think the only thing you can do is to support him emotionally as well as possibly financially if you are able, I dont mean pay for everything but maybe a food shop her and there when things are at their toughest.

I really feel for you my son is only a few years younger so can imagine what you are going through, hope it all works out for you both

ilikewatch

escortg3 wrote: »

Well his insurance with a new company will be more expensive than the last as he has had insurance cancelled.

His insurance will be CONSIDERABLY more expensive as he will probably soon have a conviction for driving with no insurance.

quintwins

personally i wouldn't help him with this, he can manage without a car and it will teach him to really value it if he does ever get it back or another one rather than just thinking "oh mum and dad will help".

that doesn't mean i wouldn't try and help, i moved out at 17 and i had it very hard, it's true you never relise how hard it will be until your there, i didn't move out due to a partner i could no longer stay at home for my own safety/sanity and was not welcome back at any point, i have a clear memory of begging my mummy for elec money and her says no, it was snowing and i only had electric heaters, so i was in the dark in the freezing cold for about 4 days. my point is i would try to help with little things if your able to (even something simple like dishing up an extra dinner for his freezer), i also feel we need hard times to learn how to cope on smaller realistic budgets.


good luck whatever you decide to do.

toomanyshoesfortwofeet

Is your son one of those naturally resilient people or will he flounder with the stress of the situation?

If he's the former, I wouldn't even sit him down with a repayment plan . If he sorts this mess out now, under his own steam, this could be a really positive learning curve. I'd just tell him to sort himself out.

If it's that latter, a repayment plan and a lesson in budgeting generally may be required.

escortg3

ilikewatch wrote: »

His insurance will be CONSIDERABLY more expensive as he will probably soon have a conviction for driving with no insurance.

Gosh i didnt think of the conviction. your right though.

well if he couldnt afford to run a car before he certainly cant now.

elantan

sometimes loving children can be very hard , and some of the ways we have to show them we love them can be hard on us , he has to sort his mess out, your role as parent has changed from carer to supporter, you cant do everything for him, he has to sort himself out he will learn alot through doing so, be there to support and listen to him offer him advice but do it in a way of something like " what are your options" " what do you want to happen"

my son is 20 and if i were to let you know half of what he has got into in such a short time it would curl your hair

he knows he can talk to me and come to me for advice, but he also knows he gets to make his own choices and live with the results

good luck

kelpie35

I think you would be doing him a favour in the long run if you allow him to sort this out himself.

Let him know that you are always there to support him but he needs to learn how to budget.

I know how you are feeling as I have been in your situation but I had to take a step back and allow my son to learn by his mistakes.

Take care x