Help for seperated fathers?

clearingout

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Unless the separated parents live some distance away from each other, there's really no reason why weekend access has to involve overnight stays as most children would rather sleep in their own room.

Having the child overnight for the weekend often seems to be for the benefit of the PWC's social life rather than for the good of the child(ren).

So basically a PWC shouldn't be allowed to move on with their life? Where is the balance if they have to work all week, deal with a child(ren), do housework etc.etc.? Shouldn't a PWC be allowed to let their hair down once every couple of weeks? Or should they just introduce her children to every single potential partner they meet until they meet one they decide they want to settle with? Kind of damned if you do and damned if you don't, don't you think? It makes no difference to who wanted to end the relationship in the first place, both parents have an absolute right to a life post-separation/divorce.

It is also 100% right that both parents should get to do the nuts and bolts of parenting such as baths, bedtimes, stories, homework, preparing meals. It is also right that NRPs should have a home they can take their children to, where there are toys, a change of clothes, all the usual comforts. Children of separated parents need two homes - even if one is smaller and they have to camp out in the living room once a week.

BigAunty

lazer wrote: »

Now - where was it stated that they should get an extra room allowance, I simply suggested that they should be allowed the one bedroom rate as opposed to the shared room rate,...

Non resident parents often post on this forum their upset to find out that they are not eligible for a higher rate of LHA if they are private tenants or that their social housing landlord will not give them a larger property, to accommodation their children staying at the weekend.

There seems to be an expectation for their children to be counted twice for benefit purposes across both households and surprise that the division of tax credits and child benefit is considered a private matter for them to sort out.

So this is really about the culture of expectations rather than a response to the specific request of the OP who is not chuffed that the child maintenance he pays is ignored by the DWP when calculating his benefit entitlements.

Oldernotwiser

mumps wrote: »

Really? The first thing my grandchildren say to me is "Can we stay at yours tonight?" They normally come two nights a week but it can be more and in school holidays they will be in my spare room more often than their own rooms. It is even worse when my youngest is home from university, every night of the week is barely enough then.

Your grandchildren probably haven't recently gone through the devastation of their parents separating and the subsequent insecurity . It can also be an age thing as well.

Oldernotwiser

lazer wrote: »

Now - where was it stated that they should get an extra room allowance, I simply suggested that they should be allowed the one bedroom rate as opposed to the shared room rate, as then the child would not have to cope with non family members and would have some privacy etc also.
.

Don't children in this situation often have to deal with their parents' new partners though? They aren't family members.

sunnyone

clearingout wrote: »

So basically a PWC shouldn't be allowed to move on with their life? Where is the balance if they have to work all week, deal with a child(ren), do housework etc.etc.? Shouldn't a PWC be allowed to let their hair down once every couple of weeks? Or should they just introduce her children to every single potential partner they meet until they meet one they decide they want to settle with? Kind of damned if you do and damned if you don't, don't you think? It makes no difference to who wanted to end the relationship in the first place, both parents have an absolute right to a life post-separation/divorce. .

Whats wrong with babysitters?

rotoguys

Sixer wrote: »

Just to confirm that water bills are ludicrous in the south west. To the extent that the PM has just confirmed we'll all be getting £50 back on our bills from central funds. SOMEONE has to pay for clean beaches for tourists, and it's we poor southwesterly chaps who are doing it. My water bill - metered - is about £50 a month, and that's with water butts for garden and car washing, shared baths, toilet bricks, water efficient dishwasher and washing machine, and any other water-saving measure you can think of.

Having said that, there's a bedsit in the next road to me up for rent now. £60 pw.

South West!!! It's no different in the South East either. Two old codgers as we are - our water bill works out as being £44.68 a month on a meter! I wonder why we aren't getting the same rebate, we have to pay not only for the beaches for tourists, but also for the £millions that are being spent annually on sea flood defences that we don't see the benefit of - we are on top of the North Downs!!

Sixer

rotoguys wrote: »

South West!!! It's no different in the South East either. Two old codgers as we are - our water bill works out as being £44.68 a month on a meter! I wonder why we aren't getting the same rebate, we have to pay not only for the beaches for tourists, but also for the £millions that are being spent annually on sea flood defences that we don't see the benefit of - we are on top of the North Downs!!

Andy: the south east has the country's cheapest water, the south west the most expensive:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/money/2011/nov/29/south-west-water-customers-rebate

Perhaps you should try toilet bricks?!

lovetowinacar

Ralphy101 wrote: »

thanks for your reply.

this is where the system stinks then - the relationship split was her decision, yet someone who activly wants to see their child and pays maintenance, has to make do with renting a shared property - making weekend access impossible?

I cannot beleive child maintance is not taken into account.

Unfortunately my brother found out that the system is not fair on the man. He pays child support and the mortgage and is left with very little so rents a room from a friend however she is single and has another spare bedroom which she lets his children stay in when he has then at the weekends... this option works well now. He does not qualify for help.

My brother has no money since his ex wife kept the housem contents, car, etc etc and he has a backpack of clothes (her choice to end the marriage due to her affairs) yet he suffered and still does BUT children grow up and can see he is a great dad and will realise when older how selfish and greedy their mothers behaviour was (no point saying this to them it is not fair it is their mother and they love her) but they can see that their dad loves them and has them at weekends.

He could see a solicitor but that costs and so is making the best of a bad deal and ensuring children do not suffer and miss out on having both parents.

Good luck I hope you find a solution to this.

Ralphy101

lazer wrote: »

What about applying for custody of the child?

I know it is usually the mothers who are favored by the courts, but maybe try and see what happens

As for accommodation, look into lodging, as it may be more likely that it would be suitable for your child to stay overnight.

IMO - the shared rate for under 35's should not not apply to NRP's with overnight access, as its not in the childs best interest.

Also I agree that the maintenance paid should be discounted as income for MTB's, it is for the mother after all, so why not the father.

This is the catch that newly seperated parents find, the NRP will move heaven and earth to see the child (I know not all NRP's do - but a lot do), they get no help with suitable housing for the child for what can be 3 nights a week, whereas the PWC gets help with housing, tax credits etc for 4 nights a week, and also gets the maintenance from the NRP.
The PWC can move to the other end of the country and the NRP has to fund teh travel to see the child.

The system was set up to chase absent dads and make them pay, it is not really suitable for use when the NRP is actually involved in the childs life.

thank you lazer and repsonse that actually made sense.... and not bemoaning me for asking if child support costs are taken into consideration...

lovetowinacar

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Unless the separated parents live some distance away from each other, there's really no reason why weekend access has to involve overnight stays as most children would rather sleep in their own room.

Having the child overnight for the weekend often seems to be for the benefit of the PWC's social life rather than for the good of the child(ren).

LOL had to agree with this my brothers wife love the social freedom that she gets every weekend to hit the town whilst children with their dad and the money to do so due to the way the system works --- her benefits are not affected by the amount of maintenance he pays her since she calls it child maintenance although far higher than would be due under CSA rates.... an unfair society and unfair benefits system but difficult since the idea is that the children do not suffer but that depends on the PWC and their spending priorities of course!