So very angry right now!!

gingin_2

I just got an email from Ds's school and thought of this thread, in some ways it's eerily similar. They were covering cycstic fibrosis in year 11 biology and a few people happened to mention that they had known people affected by it and as a result of that a number of the boys in that class have organised a charity cycle ride to raise money for a CF charity. The email was to ask for sponsorship.

You could try and turn it around with your daughter and maybe get her to speak to her teacher and speak up about how it affected her and her father. It might make her classmates view her differently and give her a bit of confidence.

BugglyB

fluffnutter wrote: »

It's not the situation that's upsetting her; it's the memories that situation evokes. The situation, i.e. a discussion about diabetes, has no power to hurt her, and she must learn that. Her teenage years are a great time to start putting into practice techniques that will see her through her adult life.

If she starts hiding from things that evoke painful memories, where does it end? First it's a discussion, then it's a TV programme or an article in a magazine, then it's a chance comment overheard on the bus. Before she knows it, her horizons are narrowed and she'll find herself avoiding perfectly innocuous situations on the off-chance that diabetes will be mentioned.

This is how anxieties and phobias grow. My whole point is that you should NEVER remove yourself from this kind of upsetting situation; you should see it for what it is, i.e. powerless to hurt you, and gain strength from your ability to cope. It's painful at the time, but each time it gets a little easier until these situations are no longer automatically linked to painful memories.

Well, I respect your opinion.

In my work I often come into contact with children with post traumatic stress issues and the approach you have outlined is not always the best for them, so I feel differently about it, and do empathise with the mother.

There is no right or wrong, its a difference of opinion.

fluffnutter

BugglyB wrote: »

Well, I respect your opinion.

In my work I often come into contact with children with post traumatic stress issues and the approach you have outlined is not always the best for them, so I feel differently about it, and do empathise with the mother.

There is no right or wrong, its a difference of opinion.

Avoidance of upsetting situations is a symptom of PTSD. Many of the recognised treatments, e.g. CBT, have tackling and overcoming that avoidance as a key tenet.

No trained PTSD counsellor would suggest that a traumatised person should avoid situations that remind them of their earlier pain, quite the opposite in fact; they're encouraged to revisit memories and even places where the trauma happened. You can't 'bury' pain - it just grows and grows.

BugglyB

fluffnutter wrote: »

I don't think it's helpful to define anyone as 'traumatised'. Many, many people lose loved ones in horrific circumstances, and at a young age. I have every sympathy for what happened, but labelling people (or indeed allowing yourself to be labelled) stalls your recovery and limits your life.

I think it's far healthier to say 'yes, something traumatic happened to me, but now, four years on, I'm going to try not to let that be the ONLY thing about me'. You say she's a 'traumatised child'. Will she be a traumatised adult? A traumatised pensioner? At what point does it end and she just becomes a normal girl, albeit one who lost her dad at a young age? I know which one I'd rather my daughter was.

In context, I said she's a traumatised child as opposed to an 'offended' one.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Trouble is, if you make a huge thing about how she watched him die of a heart attack & diabetes, to the extent of requesting it isn't taught/you have to have permission to mention it, etc, there is quite a good chance, 14 year olds being 14 year olds, that she is then regularly faced with teenagers clutching their chests and falling to the floor everywhere she goes.

Like the arachnophobics are chased around with dead spiders, craneflies and the green things from the top of tomatoes, or those that faint at the sight of blood are stitched up regularly by being shown wounds or just tomato ketchup 'blood' coming from the mouth.


It is a horrible thing to have happen, but hiding it, making it something that can never be mentioned in her earshot, will give the horrible memories and the feelings they engender more power. And she needs to be able to accept that a horrible thing happened in the past and then get on with being able to talk about heart disease, myocardial infarctions, diabetic hypos, amputations and everything else. If nothing else, because whether her father had type I or Type II, she still needs to have the knowledge - like everyone else in her class - of how to reduce the risk of type II happening to her.

Is she distressed by the Vinnie Jones Staying Alive Campaign? Or do you instantly turn over so she doesn't see it?

Perhaps taking first aid and CPR classes, if she hasn't already, would help her understand that at 10 years old, she wasn't big or strong enough to do anything about it (it's quite a physically demanding thing, chest compressions, so she could understand a 10 year old just couldn't do it) - plus the actual sensation of being near the dummy and being taught what to do individually might allow her to have a secure place to learn what to do. So the helpless memory is dulled by the training meaning that she knows what to do in such a situation?

And, the first aid training often comes with role play, so if she is faced with teenagers feigning heart attacks in school, she becomes immune to the sight.

Also useful as there is a subset of teenagers that can and do drop dead due to undiagnosed heart issues, often during PE (my daughter is undergoing tests as she is quite possibly within that category) and someone else on the pitch knowing instinctively what to do could save a life.



Only suggestions, not insults, not accusations.

BugglyB

fluffnutter wrote: »

Avoidance of upsetting situations is a symptom of PTSD. Many of the recognised treatments, e.g. CBT, have tackling and overcoming that avoidance as a key tenet.

No trained PTSD counsellor would suggest that a traumatised person should avoid situations that remind them of their earlier pain, quite the opposite in fact; they're encouraged to revisit memories and even places where the trauma happened. You can't 'bury' pain - it just grows and grows.

In a controlled environment, perhaps, and with the right preparation and support.

I think the teacher could have been more sensitive, the school could have been better prepared, the lesson might have been better controlled. I empathise with the OP, especially this close after Christmas, which I imagine is not an easy time.

BugglyB

Anyway, for now I'm agreeing to disagree

fluffnutter

BugglyB wrote: »

In a controlled environment, perhaps, and with the right preparation and support.

I think the teacher could have been more sensitive, the school could have been better prepared, the lesson might have been better controlled. I empathise with the OP, especially this close after Christmas, which I imagine is not an easy time.

I definitely agree that, if you're using the 'exposure' technique to try to help someone overcome trauma, you need to do so in a controlled way. And this was probably anything but.

But now that it's happened, I think the mother's efforts should be concentrated on helping her daughter put the recent events into perspective and not on focussing on the school's involvement.

fluffnutter

BugglyB wrote: »

Anyway, for now I'm agreeing to disagree

Oh, I think we probably agree more than you'd believe

Humphrey10

What exactly upset your daughter and made her angry? Was it that someone mentioned the word 'diabetes' or said 'heart attack'? Was it that her classmates were so ignorant about diabetes? Did the teacher say something 'critical' of your daughter's father like 'if you have diabetes and don't take care of yourself you will have complications and will die'? Did the teacher point out the increased risk of having type 1 diabetes if your father had it? Were people (the teacher or other pupils) making comments along the lines of 'if you have diabetes it's always your fault because only fatties get it' (some people do seriously think this )?