Upset. Need to change but how?

RadoJo

Trying to play devil's advocate, the most positive spin I can put on his behaviour is that he thinks that he is trying to help you out by doing things like taking the car in and organising the appointment to have things fixed, and is then frustrated by your inability to help yourself when it comes to making the most of his efforts. However, choosing to believe that you are doing anything to deliberately annoy him, rather than the truth that you aren't feeling up to it at the moment, seems perverse and a wilful misinterpretation of the situation.

Do you genuinely feel as though the traits he accuses you of are those which you may exhibit, such as needing to be right, or could it be that this is a reflection (and extension) of his own attitude? Is it possible that he is suffering from low self-esteem from not working, not pulling his weight in the business and living rent free, and is projecting those issues onto you in order to avoid confronting them himself?

I'm not excusing his behaviour, but you know him best and if the general cry to throw him out seems a little harsh given your knowledge of your friendship, then perhaps these are issues worth considering rather than taking the entire burden of responsibility on yourself. Having said that, I do think that by lying to him (ie saying you forgot to do something, when the truth is that you didn't feel well enough) is probably exacerbating the situation and feeding his belief that you are just not trying to improve things for yourself, so perhaps a little more honesty (which definitely includes telling him to get over himself when he's being argumentative) might help you salvage the situation if that is what you want to do.

Supernatural

Man, if sponging was an olympic sport this bloke would win gold this year, get rid of him!

giantmutantbroccoli

Wow, that sounds like a horrible situation, and it looks like it's had a really bad affect on you. I've had depression when I was put under a lot of stress and my responses sounded a lot like yours, in that I blamed myself for everything, had very low self esteem, was generally messy and disorganised and thoroughly miserable. I was lucky enough to get some good support from friends and family that helped me get through it - having someone tell you that yes, it really is your fault like this guy is doing, well I can't imagine how much worse that would have made things. Of course I'm not saying you have depression, but you do have a very skewed sense of self, possibly as a result of this situation, and that is not a healthy thing.

Get some time alone with a piece of paper and a pen, and do a pros and cons list for having him as a live-in "friend". This will help you to think about the situation from a practical point of view, rather than an emotional "it's all my fault" one. Have a very good think about the impact this situation is having on your life, and remember that your mental health and wellbeing is far, far more important than your "friendship" with this man.
Going off what you've said so far, your list might look something like this:

Pros: Saves me time because he cleans the house, takes my car to the garage and does odd jobs for me.
Cons: Costing me money in extra council tax and higher utility bills
Extra expense of hiring a cleaner
Extra time spent cooking
Making me feel bad about myself, reducing my confidence and self-esteem by constantly belittling me
Controlling aspects of my life that are none of his business and ordering me about
Making me doubt my memory
Insulting me
Making my home an unpleasant, hostile environment to be in

Read through that list and add your own, then tell us what you think you ought to do. Because I can tell you straight off it will be much, much cheaper and far more pleasant for you if you kicked him out and asked the cleaner to come in 2 days a week instead of just the one. I presume the deal originally was that he'd clean and tidy up in lieu of rent, so why have you had to hire a cleaner at all? He's appointed himself your PA, but PAs tend not to spend their time telling their bosses that they're liars and frauds. He's costing you money, but more importantly he's costing you your confidence and mental well-being. If you're not comfortable with confrontation it may be a good idea to get a proper friend or a close relative to come over when you tell him he's got to leave, so you've got some emotional support.

Just think of how much better you will feel when he's gone. Imagine coming home, and instead of being greeted by "Why haven't you done x, y or z, you're stupid and lazy and selfish, rantrantrant"
there will be.... peace and quiet! Imagine how nice it will be to come home after a long days work and relax on your sofa, ignoring the dishes and the cleaning if you want to. Sounds good, right? So why wait?

yvonne13_2

OP how are you? Have you desided what steps your going to take to make yourself feel better?

the_pink_panther_2

What was this guy doing professionally, and personally, before he moved in with you?
I can imagine that if he's totally dependent on someone he may feel like he has no control over his life, or little else for that matter. Perhaps he's trying to gain some sort of equilibrium in this respect by trying to control you and the home situation? I believe he has absolutely no right to behave the way he is doing towards you and if I'm honest just thinking about his attitude towards you makes me at best a little cross, I'm just trying to gain some insight as to why he is behaving this way. Having said all that, it does sound like the only thing you're gaining by him living with you is some light housework is being done for you; on the other hand what it's costing you is both financial and emotional- by his moving out, well certainly you'd feel more on control of your home life and you could spend some of the money you are saving on his 'housing expenses' on employing a cleaner for an hour or so and you'll probably still have money left over to treat yourself!

Tamsin_Temrin

Bet the lodger from heck has found this thread.

OP - pop over to the housing board and get the info on evicting a lodger - and how to get a lodger who pays.

While there, look out for Badger Lady's huge thread about lodgers, it's hysterical.