Upset. Need to change but how?

mandragora_2

Ilona wrote: »

I used to have a guy like him once, a control freak, questioning everything I said or did. Get rid of him now. Listen to what others are telling you.
Ilona

Funny you should use that phrase - as I was catching up on the thread, I caught myself muttering: 'Get rid' over and again at the bottom of p1.

This isn't healthy for you, and, if I take your estimation of the effect it's having on him at face value (and I'm not sure I do), it's not doing him any favours either.

Read this:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency

Does it ring any bells?

rachbc

meritaten wrote: »

He may well be Gaslighting you too - Telling you that you are wrong - when in fact you are right.
.

THIS - I was thinking the same - he is messing with your head, making you believe its all your fault

TeenyBash

To the opening poster, it doesn't matter what 'nice' things he's done, he's taking you for a ride. What kind of person has the audicity to complain about someone else's home being untidy when they are allowed to stay there for FREE!? You are, by the sounds of it, slogging your guts out at work, keeping a roof over the head of BOTH of you, what does HE do all day? The least he could do he keep the house tidy for you. And personally, if I was the one not working I'd cook for you, not the other way around.

He's not a lodger, he pays no rent. He's taking the pee and is clearly warping your mind. Time to tell him to move out. It's not working. If he's a true friend, he still will be once he's moved out.

Hanging_by_a_thread

worriedtoo wrote: »

Despite my best intentions, I seem to get things wrong.

He feels that I deliberately wind him up and annoy him because I always have to be right

or Because I like arguments and get some odd pleasure out of angering him which isn't true.

I find them stessful, anger unnerves me so I cope by becoming withdrawn which annoys him even more.

I would like some advice on how to change my behaviours that are annoying- messiness, not getting round to Things, untidyness, etc so I can be less annoying thanks

I think it is your friend who needs to change his behaviours not you. The fact that you are on here asking for advice on how to be less annoying to him suggests he has completely knocked your self-esteem and confidence.

He comes across as being very intolerant and only wanting to see the worst in everything you do and how you are. If he is a friend then he should accept and like you for the person you are and not want to change you. Otherwise he is not behaving like your friend but your keeper.

the_pink_panther_2

Reading your description of your 'lodger's' attitude towards you, you'd think that he was the landlord and you the tenant. Maybe I've got the wrong end of the stick but it sounds to me like he's taking you for granted (massively). It's your home and you have every right to live by your rules and if he doesn't like them it is for him to respect your decisions and allow you the choices you are entitled to in your own home, not to dictate to you how you ought to behave in your own home. I know it's difficult when you value someone else's friendship but it really does sound like this isn't really reciprocated by him. If you try to please him, more than likely he will become even more demanding and controlling as he'll begin to feel that it is the norm that you abide by his rules.

Bangton

Hun, might I ask why you feel it's all down to you rather than portioning any of the blame to him?

meds12_2

Would you feel happier if he were to leave?

Why not say to him, "look, we clearly aren't getting on us living together. I really value you as a friend but I am not happy, and from what you say I know you aren't either - and we can't carry on like this. Sorry mate, but you need to start looking for somewhere else to live."

I agree with the posters that say it sounds like he is playing mind games and trying to control you - people like that are low on empathy and can be extremely damaging. Nothing will ever be good enough and boo-hoo, he is always the victim, against which the world is conspiring.

Peater

Having seen the revalation that he pays no rent (with the loss of single persons ctax discount, he could be costing you money....) it changes my opinions slightly.

What right has he to complain and berate you? If he was paying rent, then fair enough, i'd expect some levels of cleanliness and tidiness in shared areas, but he isn't. He's a toxic sponge.

yvonne13_2

OP, I think you need to go down to asda and get lots of carry bags for that PERSON in your house as he will need them to pack his stuff when you turf him out.

P.S I heard that if you let him live in your garden he still has to pay rent.

I am joking but fun and joke aside get him out before you get really ill, please tell your doctor what he is doing please find the strength as you maybe running out of time and i'm sure if your family knew what was going on they would be upset.

mytimetoshine2012

There is lots of good advice on here for you, but facing acting upon it by yourself may be difficult.

Have you got any friends and family that could lend support? I noted that your Dad is unwell but maybe brothers and sisters could help? If not what about other friends? Can they help you? Even having someone to talk to and confide in would be a start.

Believing in yourself would be a good start right now. Try to do things slowly, write down what you have done/said. Also try to plan ahead a little and organise yourself in that way. Making a list of things that you have to do the next day (for example) will help. You can then group things together and start feeling as if you are pro-active rather than feeling like you are chasing your tail.

Once you feel a bit more together and elicit some support you may start to feel like you are in a position to do something about the whole situation.

It may be that you need some time and space to sort yourself out. Don't be scared to do this, stay with a friend, book into a (cheap) hotel. You may need to get out of this situation in order to try and get your head together in the first place.

Please check back in and let us know how you get on.

MTTS