Collection money to support a deceased man's young family

mishkanorman

McKneff wrote: »

I said it was in bad taste, and it is, I also said the poor man hadnt been gone 24 hours. I still believe that the Op is going OTT in her efforts to 'help' her friend.
In actual fact I think the OP has had a knee jerk reaction which was uncalled for, maybe understandable under the circusmstes but she has no idea about the family finances, his parents, his siblings so begging for money is in 'bad taste' I take nothing back.

I would also point out that no offence was intended, the OP is clearly grieving too which is why she seems to be fixated on my one post, and like Meritaten, I wont be posting any further.

No YOU have no idea about their finances. The OP has obviously already had a conversation with the widow about it all.

There will be plenty of time for grieving and crying, that will come regardless of what is done next. However the finances will need sorting sooner rather than later, the OP is one of the best people to do this being on the edge of the family and whilst upset isnt experiencing the same kind of loss as others. I find nothing distasteful about being practical, if the OP were the widow posting then yes thats money grabbing !

mountainofdebt

Well for what its worth there is a hell of a difference between people knowing that I couldn't pay for a funeral and having a whip round assuming that I couldn't pay for one.

Katgrit

OP I think you've obviously decided on this course of action after chatting to your friend, and understanding her needs, rather than just randomly plucking the idea out of nowhere. I'm a bit surprised by some of the replies to your post. Of course your friend is going to check out insurances, benefits, and grants - but right now she may well need some immediate tenners and twenties to buy food and pay bills. She may well just need cash TONIGHT to feed her children. I dont know this familys circumstances, but most replies dont seem to be taking dire possibilities into account. The funeral directors can wait til any death in service benefits pay out, hungry children will not. OP, Keep on with hugs, keep on with supporting the children and if your own purse will stretch that far then maybe do a "big shop" for her. Nowt flash, just the basics. squash, yogurts, bread, cheese, ham, and lots of frozen food. I did that for a friend once when her toerag of an ex stopped child support without notice, and it was the best £50 I ever spent.

duchy

The OP stated in her first post that the widow currently has a job with "long hours" so presumably she'll be on compassionate leave/sick leave so your tenners and twenties probably are catered for in the short term at the very least.

(Why don't people actually READ before postting ????)

mishkanorman

a job with long hours doesnt neccessarily mean a good wage, nor does it mean guaranteed sick pay. She will probably have to give the job up aswell so there could be no short or long term income.

Just because people interpret things differently doesnt mean they are reading them !

CRANKY40

In no particular order, but as soon as possible.....your friend needs to contact child tax credits - they have a team that process this kind of change as quickly as possible. She needs to get an application form for widowed parents allowance. This is paid regardless of any other benefits and is taxable as income (tell her to watch that one). She will also need an application form for the bereavement allowance which can be obtained from the government website. If she fills it in and takes it to the local job centre with her supporting documents they will copy the documents for her and give them back to her (she will need them for other things). Give her a hug from me (it happened to me 2 years ago) and pm me if she needs any other info.

thunderbird

OP - sorry to hear of your loss. I can't imagine what your friend must be feeling like right now.

I wish you luck with your endeavours and hope you have not been too upset by some of the comments made on here.

monstermuncher

Thanks again, you lot are fab!

mishkanorman wrote: »

No YOU have no idea about their finances. The OP has obviously already had a conversation with the widow about it all.

There will be plenty of time for grieving and crying, that will come regardless of what is done next. However the finances will need sorting sooner rather than later, the OP is one of the best people to do this being on the edge of the family and whilst upset isnt experiencing the same kind of loss as others. I find nothing distasteful about being practical, if the OP were the widow posting then yes thats money grabbing !

This is pretty much my point. Especially as the widow can't be seen to worry about money because people have expectations of how you're supposed to grieve. She's a very, very practical person and it's always been a case of in the event of emotional difficulty, do stuff. I'm trying to help reduce the amount of stuff as much as possible, but if she has a plan of action she will feel much better.

I do now recognise the point about how even asking her about it may offend, but I know her well enough to know that wouldn't be the case. She's got more money than me so it's not patronising, it's just that I don't have children so my money worries aren't as important. If I run out of money and have to survive on Asda smart price noodles and other cheap, processed rubbish for a month, it doesn't affect anyone other than me and my waistline.

mountainofdebt wrote: »

Well for what its worth there is a hell of a difference between people knowing that I couldn't pay for a funeral and having a whip round assuming that I couldn't pay for one.

Yes, I think if I had worded things 'they're going to go under, give them all your money!' she'd have been offended, and other people would have felt put out and angry. As it is, I'm trying to do is a way to give the kids a treat, maybe a weekend camping or something. A lot of people are devastated about the news, and a lot of people feel the need to DO something. This gives them an option so could help them feel better, as well as helping the children.

There are lots of reasons people may not want to donate. Either because they can't afford to, they don't want to, or they don't trust a website with a paypal account (it could have been set up by anyone) and that's fine. If all they want to do is leave a few thoughts about him, and maybe a memory they shared, or something that makes them smile when they think about him, then that will be just as valuable to the children.

duchy wrote: »

The OP stated in her first post that the widow currently has a job with "long hours" so presumably she'll be on compassionate leave/sick leave so your tenners and twenties probably are catered for in the short term at the very least.

(Why don't people actually READ before postting ????)

Working long hours doesn't automatically mean you've got money! I work 60+ hours a week, but I'm frequently skint. Plus if she worked in my job, she wouldn't be paid for compassionate leave or sick leave.

Her job IS well paid, but her outgoings are also incredibly high. Because it's well paid she won't get any means tested benefits. She will end up poorer for giving up work, even with benefits and (hopefully) help towards her mortgage and council tax. Consider that she's also lost his wage, and there's a huge, huge drop.

On top of that, not being able to work would kill her. Like I said, she has the ned to do stuff. She's not cut out for baking cakes or watching Jeremy Kyle. She needs her brain to be challenged, and she needs contact with adults. That's a different topic though, and it's just one of the many reasons I'm worried sick about her.

CRANKY40

One more thing. My next door neighbour turned up on my doorstep with all the forms that I needed to claim things, and she gave me some very sound financial advice too about dealing with probate myself, which saved me from going to a solicitor and spending a lot of money. When people can't think straight for grief, sometimes it's good to have things done for you, or information given.

harrys_nan

I worked with a smashing bunch of people and we always done a collection for them in certain situations, even when my mum died they raised money. I think its very good of the op to be concerned about her friend and there isnt many good friends about nowadays.
Hugs to you op and to your friend, she has a good friend in you x