Collection money to support a deceased man's young family

meritaten

Its been pointed out to me that one poster did think it in bad taste - so my apologies for saying that NO posters had said so!
Doesnt change what I think though, any advice has clearly not been taken on board and the OP has fixated on one post.
so this is definately my last post

McKneff

I said it was in bad taste, and it is, I also said the poor man hadnt been gone 24 hours. I still believe that the Op is going OTT in her efforts to 'help' her friend.
In actual fact I think the OP has had a knee jerk reaction which was uncalled for, maybe understandable under the circusmstes but she has no idea about the family finances, his parents, his siblings so begging for money is in 'bad taste' I take nothing back.

I would also point out that no offence was intended, the OP is clearly grieving too which is why she seems to be fixated on my one post, and like Meritaten, I wont be posting any further.

duchy

Wow
Well you did ask people's opinions

I think in these circumstances it's very natural to want to do something to help-but really especially as it was a very sudden death many people would consider it in bad taste for anyone (especially non family) to be talking about money until after the funeral at least and some of the family *might* think it's a family issue only too-so tread carefully, I understand you want to help but really those endless cups of coffee and hugs-together with offering to take the kids sometimes and getting in shopping are probably the most valuable right now. There will be plenty of time to talk about money later -but now honestly is not the time-Just reassure her there are extra benefits and extra WTC for widowed parents and leave it there for now. If she does want to know more-use one of the calculators on-line but only if she asks to know more. In the coming days she'll no doubt look at death in service benefit , life insurance but let her take the lead and just be ready to help if she asks.

I know you're trying to be a good friend but it's so easy to upset people even when your intentions are the best at times like this so it's often better to err on the side of caution.

Oldernotwiser

I'm sorry you've lost a friend but I agree that your idea is not in good taste and actually reflects rather badly on the friend himself, which is, I'm sure, the last thing that you want.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

A neighbour of my Mum's had a similar loss - her husband died suddenly at 32 and left her with 7 children.

Had her best mate started knocking on doors asking for cash - or setting up a website to do the same - I think it would have alienated a lot of the widow's support in the coming months. And she would have been quite offended as she felt she wasn't a charity case.

I would have found it quite awkward had I been asked for money by her friends, particularly as I didn't have any of my own to spare and, whatever way you look at it, there is no guarantee the money gets to the family - and people have been known to start whiprounds and disappear with the cash.

It's tricky, some people in exactly the same circumstances would be very, very happy with the idea.


But not everybody, and that's why I think it wouldn't be a good idea.

kettlefish

So sorry to hear of your loss. It's normal to want to do something practical in situations like this. In fact, when grieving, especially in the early days, pretty much anything is "normal". If you want to give practical help, then I would suggest a hot dinner over the weekend, and depending on how you feel, maybe arrange a delivery of groceries a week or so after the funeral.

As other posters have said, a hug from your best friend will be anything but pointless at a time like this. But, your friend will find people rally round for the first week or so, and may actually need more support (practical / emotional) in a month or so's time. You sound like a caring friend just trying to do the best at an awful time.

gingin_2

I really think McKneff wasn't being harsh, just to the point in a concerned way. I too still stand by saying that it's probably not the right thing to do at this time.

I lost a friend this summer to the Big C. It was quick, unexpected and very, very upsetting. If I can recommend anything, it's to be there to do all the menial things that she won't feel like doing - make meals, take a basket of washing home to iron, pick the kids up from school, take them to the park, offer to child mind every so often so she can continue to work. There was a rosta done when my friend was ill and I think it was quite comforting for people to sign up and offer to help. It still continues now and whilst everyone is still in shock, her child is thriving, most importantly because of their amazing mum but also because people stepped in to make life as normal as possible and also to let them know that they weren't alone.

rachbc

Help her find out what benefits she can claim - that is what the welfare state is there for. Please don't go starting a collection for the family. A collection/ donation in his memory for a cause close to there hearts might be acceptable - but asking for cash for the family isn't. I do think it could put people off offering support to the family and cause all sorts of possible offence to so many people.

Padstow

daska wrote: »

Yes, and they would count as someone else who is "deemed able to pay", hence my pointing that out.

What I was suggesting had nothing to do with setting up a fund.

Not you, the OP was setting up a fund. tsk!

Lunar_Eclipse

Well, I thought it was a considerate and practical idea, but I think I'd focus on practical help of a much shorter term focus: talking, feeding them all (esp the kids) etc. Your heart is very well placed though and your friend will appreciate that.

Your friend must be devastated and just really need a friend right now. She'll be completely numb.