Am i being selfish

ajaney

Although I love my now 19 month old to bits, after a years maternity leave, I was ready to go back to work for 2 days a week to get me out of the house, away from the chores & to be me again. I am lucky that my OH earns enough for us to live on (carefully!) so I have been able to put my little one in to a very good local nursery which costs almost all my wages but it is worth it for both of us - I am able to enjoy adult company & engage myself in something different & my little one is making friends & getting more independent.

Its not a question of anyone being selfish, we all have to adapt when a little person enters our lives & turns it upside down!

I would explore the possibility of your gf getting a little job, looking into costs of childcare if you have no family help.

missprice

Mojisola wrote: »

If both partners are working, it's fair to share the housework. If one is at home all day, that person should be doing the bulk of the cleaning, washing, shopping, etc.

my ex hubby used to say this to me and boy did it backfire on him when I went to work full time and he stayed home with the kids (babies back then)
I regularly got home late at night to find the house a tip and when I said (sweetly) 'oh but darling you told me I should be able to cope with little ones and house keeping' there was a deafening silence

nickyhutch

Sorry if I've missed this - does mother in law work?

Mojisola

missprice wrote: »

my ex hubby used to say this to me and boy did it backfire on him when I went to work full time and he stayed home with the kids (babies back then)
I regularly got home late at night to find the house a tip and when I said (sweetly) 'oh but darling you told me I should be able to cope with little ones and house keeping' there was a deafening silence

It shouldn't matter which parent is staying at home - the bulk of the housework is part of their job.

Did he learn to cope with it all?

Freetsembar

She: 26, Me: 29 together about 5 years, off and on, mostly on.

She tends to be rather selfish in my opinion in the relationship. The basic rule is to not talk too much about yourself because its boring, but she always talks about herself. Recently I told her how I felt, that Id like to change the subject more often and maybe stop talking about her all the time. I do care about her world, but it would be nice if she werent so selfish in the conversations. I know females love attention, but honestly, its about give AND take.

Question - am I in the wrong to think shes selfish when our conversations involve a lot more "I" and "me" and "my" than "you" or "our"? When I told her what I did she didnt snap and we didnt fight about it, but based on her reaction I dont know if anyone else has ever told her that shes kind of...egocentric.

Theres a lot of personal stuff between us, stuff that would take forever to go in to, so lets just say we both know that I have given much more in the relationship. Im not bitter about that, I just want to get to a more equal footing. In short, I have forgiven her for quite a bit. No, cheating isnt what Im talking about. I just want more of a like a 55/45 split in the topic of conversation and less 80/20.

poet123

Time for a frank chat, and if there is no improvement, then time to cut your losses. Where is this situation going? Add another child or two into the equation and there is simply no future here.

Children need routine, and once in one you can work around them to get the household jobs done, if you want to. I don't buy into this "no time to get dressed before lunch" lifestyle that I hear some mums opining about. Anyone whose partner works 12 hour shifts out of the home should not be expecting an equal split in household tasks, it is unfair.

Agreeing these expectations are fair is largely to blame for so many young marriages breaking down. Yes, housework is boring, childcare can be too, but how many of us have jobs that never fit that category either? The tasks in life which need doing are by definition often mundane, tough, we just have to get on and do our bit, whichever bit that is, household chores or hard paid work.

Northern_Princess

poet123 wrote: »

Time for a frank chat, and if there is no improvement, then time to cut your losses. Where is this situation going? Add another child or two into the equation and there is simply no future here.

Children need routine, and once in one you can work around them to get the household jobs done, if you want to. I don't buy into this "no time to get dressed before lunch" lifestyle that I hear some mums opining about. Anyone whose partner works 12 hour shifts out of the home should not be expecting an equal split in household tasks, it is unfair.

Agreeing these expectations are fair is largely to blame for so many young marriages breaking down. Yes, housework is boring, childcare can be too, but how many of us have jobs that never fit that category either? The tasks in life which need doing are by definition often mundane, tough, we just have to get on and do our bit, whichever bit that is, household chores or hard paid work.

I completely agree with every word of this. I've never understood how some people can't get themselves dressed and out before lunch time. OP I hope you get your situation sorted out, especially the uncertainty of what money is coming in and not being allowed to take your child out alone.

missprice

Mojisola wrote: »

It shouldn't matter which parent is staying at home - the bulk of the housework is part of their job.

Did he learn to cope with it all?

no never and we split up a couple years later and he still used to spout off about being able to keep 2 toddlers amused and do all the housework, until I would remind him of the year he had to do it and did not manage:rotfl:

PolishBigSpender

Mojisola wrote: »

If both partners are working, it's fair to share the housework. If one is at home all day, that person should be doing the bulk of the cleaning, washing, shopping, etc.

I agree, in this case it's her job to clean, cook etc. - he has a full time job thanks to which she can stay at home with a baby.
If she hates it (and I know I would) - she should go and find a job.

Gigglepig

Freetsembar wrote: »

She: 26, Me: 29 together about 5 years, off and on, mostly on.

She tends to be rather selfish in my opinion in the relationship. The basic rule is to not talk too much about yourself because its boring, but she always talks about herself. Recently I told her how I felt, that Id like to change the subject more often and maybe stop talking about her all the time. I do care about her world, but it would be nice if she werent so selfish in the conversations. I know females love attention, but honestly, its about give AND take.

Question - am I in the wrong to think shes selfish when our conversations involve a lot more "I" and "me" and "my" than "you" or "our"? When I told her what I did she didnt snap and we didnt fight about it, but based on her reaction I dont know if anyone else has ever told her that shes kind of...egocentric.

Theres a lot of personal stuff between us, stuff that would take forever to go in to, so lets just say we both know that I have given much more in the relationship. Im not bitter about that, I just want to get to a more equal footing. In short, I have forgiven her for quite a bit. No, cheating isnt what Im talking about. I just want more of a like a 55/45 split in the topic of conversation and less 80/20.

This sounds a bit sad to me. Perhaps you need to do more stuff together that you can then talk about and that will be relevant for you both.

Do you find your OH is self focused in general or just monopolising your conversations?

Is this person a stay at home mum? Do they need to get out of the house more? It is easier to discuss a wide range of topics if your everyday "world" is big.

Some people also naturally talk a lot more than others.

Another thought, perhaps you and your OH express yourself in different ways, in terms of personality style. Some people insert "I feel that" or "I think that" a lot into their conversations, it is just how they express themselves.

Another angle: has this always been this way? Some times when people don't feel "seen" or "heard" they could start talking about themselves more to feel that they get through, if you see what I mean.