Am i being selfish

mountainofdebt

The cynic in me tells me this is going to end badly

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

She gets the child benefit, but between you and her mother, everything else is paid for - so all she has to do is pay her phone bill?

So she has less money than the average 14 year old. And she's living with her mother, a boyfriend who isn't around all day every day, does all his own stuff, pushes a hoover around on the weekend. But other than that, she appears to do nothing with her partner, he spends the evenings with the baby, no mention of talking to her (shown by not really having much idea of finances or her past), but thinks she has a good deal in any case.


Next to no money, a mother probably in bits over her relationship breakdown, a distant boyfriend, a baby, no control over where she lives (and I would have done anything to avoid having to move in with my mother or MIL), what food she buys, even how to look after her baby is possibly not her choice (have you ever heard a grandmother in action? It isn't always good, it can quite easily be 'you're so rubbish, you don't know what you're doing, I do, you should never have had a baby......' as soon as the dad is out of earshot. Not saying this is the case here - but it is possible, as is the GM completely taking over the little one and pushing her out), plus everything else.


Yes, she could well be extremely depressed, which will not be helped one bit by telling her to be grateful for what she's got, as a) you can't help being clinically depressed b) what she's got isn't making her happy and doesn't sound like much, really.

Plus, seeing as she would have more control over her life (which I think is the main issue here, a feeling of powerlessness) leaving you and presenting to the council as a homeless single parent with depression, anything too blunt could well backfire on you in the extreme.

Ellejmorgan

She needs love,support and understanding..
It's so hard having a baby physically and mentally and that's just the birth which takes 18 months apparently to fully recover from..
She's isolated and more than likely doesn't feel close to you..
Some men can be very practical sometimes and that's not what some of us want, we want cuddles, to be told we are incredible and thank you for giving me such a beautiful baby..
Just love her and it will be fine..

bigmomma051204

Come off it people. He goes to work and earns enough so that she can stay at home with her child. In my opinion, whoever is at home all day SHOULD definitely do as much of the housework and day to day running of the home as they can! Why on EARTH should this guy go to work 6am-6pm so that she can sit around at home and wait for him to do "his own" housework?! What is she doing with her time then? I hate all this "looking after a child is a full time job".... So tell me, how did all the mothers who used to have 5 or 6 kids and have to use a mangle to sort their clothes washing out and who didnt have dishwashers and cars and all the modern things that make our lives easier manage then??? Did they just say "well, i have one child so i am going to sit and watch them all day and do NOTHING else around the house because being with my child in a room is a full time job"??? Gosh, and there was me thinking they just got on with it!! Not that i am saying that womens lib, contraception and washing machines arent great things all of them BUT come on people - equality works both ways!!!

Oh and for the person who mentioned that being at home with a child is the same as working in childcare.... nooooo!!! You would be responsible for a number of children - you would have to plan activities and ensure that they meet guidelines and fit in with EYFS to get you ready for when OFSTED arrive. (I am going to bet that she isnt making homemade sensory playdough, encouraging mark making in readiness for literacy and playing outside in the rain to ensure she can tick a Forest School box) You would be going on training, perhaps completing a qualtification - ensuring that your premises were up to health and safety standards. You would be ensuring that the meals you cooked the children were nutritious and met current guidelines. You would be responsible for the safety and well being of a number of small children who are not your own. You would be working with people whom you might not get on with... You certainly would NOT be sitting around waiting for your partner to get home and do the housework, cook the tea and entertain your child(and i for one think it is GREAT that this guy WANTS to spend time when he arrives home with his child - there are TONS of fathers who dont do this!!)

Oh and she has certainly told u a few untruths about her income. You need to speak to her about this OP.... you should work out your joint finances and pool resources then you might have a clue where her money is going!! :A

bigmomma051204

Ellejmorgan wrote: »

She needs love,support and understanding..
It's so hard having a baby physically and mentally and that's just the birth which takes 18 months apparently to fully recover from..
She's isolated and more than likely doesn't feel close to you..
Some men can be very practical sometimes and that's not what some of us want, we want cuddles, to be told we are incredible and thank you for giving me such a beautiful baby..
Just love her and it will be fine..

What a load of codswallop. Sorry but its true! If birth takes 18 months to recover from, how can the rest of us all return to work after 6months? Because we HAVE to as most of us dont have the luxury of sitting around at home and still being able to carry on financially! If the OP is practical, it sounds like a bl**dy good thing as she certainly doesnt sound like she is! And how do you know he DOESNT give her cuddles? How do you know he isnt the one who WANTS emotional closeness and she is resistant?? And if you want to be nit-picky, he was part of the baby making - she didnt GIVE him a baby!

Just love her and it will be fine - if only LOVE made everything better. Shame reality has to kick in sometimes!!!!

Mojisola

bigmomma051204 wrote: »

Come off it people. He goes to work and earns enough so that she can stay at home with her child. In my opinion, whoever is at home all day SHOULD definitely do as much of the housework and day to day running of the home as they can!

I know if I was working and my OH was a full-time parent and I came home to work to find I needed to do my own washing and other housework, I would not be happy!

I don't understand why couple don't sort out their money as a couple. The bills aren't his - they are theirs. Talk to each other - work out all the money that's coming in to the family and decide how to distribute it.

bigmomma051204

Mojisola wrote: »

I know if I was working and my OH was a full-time parent and I came home to work to find I needed to do my own washing and other housework, I would not be happy!

I don't understand why couple don't sort out their money as a couple. The bills aren't his - they are theirs. Talk to each other - work out all the money that's coming in to the family and decide how to distribute it.

Thank god i am not the only person who can see sense!

I for one hate all this soft soaping when it comes to parenting! Okay, so mums get down sometimes.... deal with it! I had a HORRIFIC time when i was pregnant and then left alone to deal with my new baby all the while having to shield us both from my violent and abusive ex - i went back to work part time when my baby was 7 months ( i now know i certainly wasnt ready as it hadnt been 18months!).... I didnt have time to sit around and mope about the hand life had dealt me. I just got on with it... thats not to say i didnt have the odd night where i would be so tired, lonely and upset that i put on Sleepless in Seattle, shoved a bumper bar of Dairy Milk into my gob and cried my eyes out!!!!!

I just wish that people would stop making excuses for laziness of this kind! Without getting into a whole debate, there are FAR too many parents out there saying they find it so much work being a parent that they cant do ANYTHING else..... why is the take-up for benefits so high i wonder.........?

barbiedoll

So OP is working full-time, he's moved into GF's mothers house and is paying her bills, GF is possibly (probably?) lying about her income, he's doing his own washing and housework, GF is spending money on scratchcards and other tat, has been fired from her last job but won't talk about it, now she's saying he can't take his own kid out at weekends? Oh, and she doesn't want to go on holiday with OP either.

Can anyone else see what is happening here? Or is it just me?

bigmomma051204

barbiedoll wrote: »

So OP is working full-time, he's moved into GF's mothers house and is paying her bills, GF is possibly (probably?) lying about her income, he's doing his own washing and housework, GF is spending money on scratchcards and other tat, has been fired from her last job but won't talk about it, now she's saying he can't take his own kid out at weekends? Oh, and she doesn't want to go on holiday with OP either.

Can anyone else see what is happening here? Or is it just me?

Not just you Read my replies (all three of them - i MAY have ranted rather!)

ska_lover

Mojisola wrote: »

I know if I was working and my OH was a full-time parent and I came home to work to find I needed to do my own washing and other housework, I would not be happy!

I was just going to say this very thing. A few peple have jumped all over the OP for saying he 'helps' with the housework - which I think is wrong.

Looking after a child does not (unless there is a disability) take all day long to do - I have been a SAHM myself, and know there is time availible for housework etc. Why should she get to sit around on her 'arris while he is providing EVERYTHING? I think OP's missis is depressed, but she is taking the mickey with expecting him to work, AND do housework, and pay for everything, whilst quite clearly lying abotu money. OP, even if she isnt savvy enough to have applied for tax credits, she will be getting at least £20 a week child benefit. shes having you on.