What Would You Do?

elvis86

To be perfectly honest, you and your OH sound like a nightmare. Sounds like you need to get lives of your own rather than suffocating your [adult] son. He's 22 !!!!!!! Is he an only child, by any chance? You make out in your OP like he's perhaps a bit "slow", but by the sounds of it he's doing fine. Perhaps it actually suits you to infantilise him...:cool:

I'm 24 and I would go APE !!!!!! if my parents interferred with my friendships as you propose to do. I appreciate that your son lives at home, but at 22 I was living in a different city to my parents, with a job and my own home. I certainly didn't need them to vet my friends, and I very much doubt that he does either.

Suddenly blanking his friends and refusing to accomodate them in your (and his) home? How pathetic. Be prepared for him to move out pretty sharpish...

People who aren't prepared to respect boundaries when it comes to their adult kids' lives shouldn't go poking their nose on Facebook. My in-laws have an account which they used to follow my BIL's progress when he was travelling. We're all friends with them and they enjoy seeing what we're all up to/holiday pictures etc, but that would stop very quickly if they started wading into debates and banter with our friends, policing and threatening to call our parents (!!!!!! you silly woman?!).

Keep out of it.

Gloomendoom

As other have said, it is probably just banter. Men tend to say dreadful things to each other but it is almost always up front and face to face. It isn't b!tching, it is the way that males interact with each other.

I speak from long experience in predominantly all male environments from an early age. If you are friends with someone it is quite normal to dish out, and receive, all kinds of terrible personal insults. Usually, the better the friend, the worse the insults. Men and women are not the same!

OP It is almost certainly best to not interfere. I don't think your son will thank you for it.

pinkshoes

He's 22, and big enough to fight his own battles. If it upset him THAT much, he'd tell them where to go!

Odette

It seems your son needs to learn to stand up for himself. At 22 he is still relatively young and its better he learns this lesson now because otherwise he will never learn it. TBH from your posts talking about him I assumed he was 17! If it is bothering him, its up to him to work out how to let his friends know that they should maybe lay off a little. If he cant do it or they actually are bullying him, he needs new friends. Ultimately its not your battle and if you say anything to his friends you are just providing them with ammunition. Sorry if this comes off a little harsh, I am 26 and I know guys who are like this with their mates, its really difficult to tell if its bravado or actual bullying. However me and my friends (all women) do take the p' out of each other a little also.

pinkclouds

Poppy9 wrote: »

urban dictionary is normally a good source of slang!

coolcait wrote: »

If one of them is in the house, and staying for dinner, I would have - apparently randomly - said "So, this business of calling people a "new Jew"... what's that all about? What does it mean anyway? Sounds awful.... But maybe it's not meant that way?"

Then judge from their reactions whether or not there's really an issue.

You might get a lot of reassurance from asking the lads what the current slang is - assuming it is just harmless banter. It's normal for the meaning of words to be inverted or questionable non-PC terms to be used. This really shows my age... but do you remember when the (formerly racist) "N" term became acceptable as a term of endearment? Or that "wicked" or "sick" mean "really cool"? Goodness knows what the current parlance is like... I'm willing to bet it's way more extreme than the old days.

tesuhoha

elvis86 wrote: »

To be perfectly honest, you and your OH sound like a nightmare. Sounds like you need to get lives of your own rather than suffocating your [adult] son. He's 22 !!!!!!! Is he an only child, by any chance? You make out in your OP like he's perhaps a bit "slow", but by the sounds of it he's doing fine. Perhaps it actually suits you to infantilise him...:cool:

I'm 24 and I would go APE !!!!!! if my parents interferred with my friendships as you propose to do. I appreciate that your son lives at home, but at 22 I was living in a different city to my parents, with a job and my own home. I certainly didn't need them to vet my friends, and I very much doubt that he does either.

Suddenly blanking his friends and refusing to accomodate them in your (and his) home? How pathetic. Be prepared for him to move out pretty sharpish...

People who aren't prepared to respect boundaries when it comes to their adult kids' lives shouldn't go poking their nose on Facebook. My in-laws have an account which they used to follow my BIL's progress when he was travelling. We're all friends with them and they enjoy seeing what we're all up to/holiday pictures etc, but that would stop very quickly if they started wading into debates and banter with our friends, policing and threatening to call our parents (!!!!!! you silly woman?!).

Keep out of it.

Don't think I deserve this abuse. I haven't done or said anything and don't intend to. If you had read previous posts you would have realised that. I certainly do not propose to do anything as you say. I was also not poking about on Facebook, I was looking at the bandpage, interested in what people were saying about the band and clicked on a link to see what the friend was saying about their most recent gig. I had nothing else on my mind. We take an interest in their band, as we provide transport and have bought some expensive equipment which is on loan indefinitely until they either decide to split up or make enough money to buy their own stuff. We find it exciting that they are doing well and give them a lot of support but I suppose that is all wrong to you.

I came on here asking for people's opinions but did not expect to be called a silly woman because I was upset my son was called a retard and a new Jew, whatever that means.

I do not interfere with his friends or his life. TBH I do not normally take a lot of notice of them but after reading this conversation it has made me notice a lot of stuff. But just because I have noticed it and don't like it doesn't mean I am going to act on it.

Oh and no he is not an only child. I have a daughter and I am too busy with my own job, life etc to be on their case and half the time don't know where either of them are.

tesuhoha

pinkclouds wrote: »

You might get a lot of reassurance from asking the lads what the current slang is - assuming it is just harmless banter. It's normal for the meaning of words to be inverted or questionable non-PC terms to be used. This really shows my age... but do you remember when the (formerly racist) "N" term became acceptable as a term of endearment? Or that "wicked" or "sick" mean "really cool"? Goodness knows what the current parlance is like... I'm willing to bet it's way more extreme than the old days.

Kind of you to say this. My main concerns were a) that if it was to his face it wouldnt be very nice but at least honest, but it was behind his back b) They seemed to almost hate him, the things they were saying.

I came on here with my worries rather than doing anything else and have not interfered in his life at all but i am still getting stick.

tesuhoha

QuackQuackOops wrote: »

I think you need to grow up. No wonder this is such a dilemma to you. You seem to be acting like a gossipy, mean teen yourself.

Thank you for your input. However, I have done absolutely nothing to these lads apart from help them out. I don't see how I am mean at all when my son has been called names and mocked on stage by them many times in front of an audience and nothing has ever been said by us. I have fed dinner to one of them two nights in a row after I have seen all this stuff and said nothing. I also don't see how I am gossipy when I have only discussed my concern with my husband and have not mentioned the conversation to him or anyone, apart from you lot. Telling someone who is feeling worried and upset to grow up is sound advice I suppose.

We probably won't call them by these names but having a joke about it makes us feel a bit better as it is hurtful to us.

tesuhoha

I think that is enough now so this thread can just die a death. Thank you..