I can't get over my mum's death, i'm totally breaking down

dandy-candy

Thank you so much for all the replies, I can't tell you how much it means to me that people have taken time to write them. I rang my counsellor and have arranged to see her first thing Monday. She is based at my health centre so I will also try to book an appointment with my GP as well. I think it was a really good idea that someone suggested of taking my hubby with me.
I will ask about trying some different medication because I know i'm really very low right now.
We are going through the process of selling mum's house at the moment and i'm finding that very hard because not only does it mean going through her belongings, but when it's sold then it sort of underlines that she won't be back. I know that sounds daft, but to me as long as it's her house I can walk past and pretend she's still in there watching tv or making a cup of tea. I love her so much and she was only 68 which to me seems much too young. My husband says it would always have been too soon in my eyes at whatever age she died, and of course he is right. I really thought i'd never lose her.

Hanging_by_a_thread

68 is way to young to die. Just as your mum had high hopes for you I bet you thought that life should just have started to get great for her. At 68 she should have been beginning to enjoy retirement. It is what we all work towards isn't it. Losing someone who was that young is incredibly difficult to cope with.

I think your feelings about your mums home are very understandable also. It is a place where you probably feel closest to her and have many happy memories of being there.

When we lose someone it is painful to go through their things. My mum really struggled to clear my grandparents house and sell it when my nan died. It was the home where she had been born, grew up, held her engagement party, got married from, brought her own children to. You get my gist I am sure.

I remember her breaking down because she saw it as losing her all over again. Be really kind to yourself OP, thinking of you.

whitewing

Selling and clearing your mum's house is a huge step so no wonder you don't feel that you are getting over her death. You will need extra help and support at this time because of that, and I agree that 68 is young to pass away these days.

I also felt so sorry for the other poster who said 'I miss being a daughter'. What a poignant statement.

prowla

The truth is that our parents are supposed to die before we do, and we are supposed to die before our children do; it's the natural way of things and nobody can live forever (or probably would want to either!).

3v3

dandy-candy wrote: »

... I really thought i'd never lose her.

But you haven't; not completely.

She may no longer be physically present, but she is in you: in your past, in your heart, in your memories. Nothing and no-one can take that away from you.

When those feelings of panic take over, think about what your Mum would have said to you. When the anguish of losing her physical presence overwhelms you, wrap one of her cardigans around you as a tangible reminder of her holding you through difficult times.

If your mum were able to answer your post, what would her advice be?

You see, she is still there - you simply haven't found her yet.

3v3

prowla wrote: »

The truth is that our parents are supposed to die before we do, and we are supposed to die before our children do; it's the natural way of things and nobody can live forever (or probably would want to either!).

And the real truth is - people grieve despite knowing this; what no one knows until it happens is how to grieve or how grief may impact on them.

Knowing something will happen isn't the same as experiencing it.

victory

dandy-candy wrote: »

Thank you so much for all the replies, I can't tell you how much it means to me that people have taken time to write them. I rang my counsellor and have arranged to see her first thing Monday. She is based at my health centre so I will also try to book an appointment with my GP as well. I think it was a really good idea that someone suggested of taking my hubby with me.
I will ask about trying some different medication because I know i'm really very low right now.
We are going through the process of selling mum's house at the moment and i'm finding that very hard because not only does it mean going through her belongings, but when it's sold then it sort of underlines that she won't be back. I know that sounds daft, but to me as long as it's her house I can walk past and pretend she's still in there watching tv or making a cup of tea. I love her so much and she was only 68 which to me seems much too young. My husband says it would always have been too soon in my eyes at whatever age she died, and of course he is right. I really thought i'd never lose her.

You need professional counselling, bereavement counselling which you will get on monday.
Not just one medication suits all, you can be prescribed different medication that will suit you better and make you feel calmer.

Nothing that you feel or say is abnormal, it is grief, pure raw grief, none of it is silly or people telling you you should be over it by now, you have so much, you are you and you are grieving in your way, it helps to talk, let your kids see you crying . Take all the support from your husband, let it out, write it down how you feel in a letter, or as a diary, your mum is not here with you on this earth but she is with you around you all the time, protecting you, your mum would want you to carry on, to have a good life, to be loved and give love back, she would have wanted you to be happy and settled, calm and take out of life what you can.

You lost her to cancer in this life but she remains in your mind, in your heart, in your thoughts, will make you smile and laugh at the funny memories you had together, she will teach you how to give love as she gave love, she will always be there.

You have been blessed to have known such a beautiful person

victory

prowla wrote: »

The truth is that our parents are supposed to die before we do, and we are supposed to die before our children do; it's the natural way of things and nobody can live forever (or probably would want to either!).

Despite that being the way of life and death, when it happens, even if there has been advance warning, knowing it will happen, all that makes not the slightest bit of difference when it does, it hurts so bad you are not actually sure whether you are breathing yourself, not one person copes with it just by knowing it will happen.

Nobody lives forever but they do in hearts, minds, they live on through our children, through their morals, values, opinions, way of doing things, every person is there to teach.

elaine373

I really understand your pain.You are still very much in the early stages of grieving and that is such a raw pain. I do think that sorting and selling your mum`s house will be painful but is crucial to your acceptance that she has gone.My mum passed away 8 years in may and for the first 2-3 years,I was a mess and could not accept that she had gone.My youngest son was 17 months old when she died and had a very sad mummy who cried alot.I always told him i was ok, just sad.He now knows how much i love my mum. I didnt believe that time would help, but it has,to the point that i can talk about the many happy memories that i have inside my heart.I feel for you and anyone else who is going through this awful pain,but you will not always feel like that. You are very very sad and thats a fact that your family will have to deal with.Dont apologise for that but do explain it ,if you can, to your family.You will learn to live without her,even though you dont want to.You will never like it,but you will be ok. Big massive hug to you.So sorry for you loss.x

snozberry

Contact the bereavement team. My mum died on Tuesday and she was riddled with cancer as well. Just ring them and make an appointment to see someone. Your mum wouldn't want to see you like this - i know that mine certainly wouldnt. Just write your thoughts in a diary or draw pictures. At the minute I'm decluttering my house! Just make that call or pm me if you want. I know what it is like x