I can't get over my mum's death, i'm totally breaking down

dandy-candy

My mum died of cancer last April and I can't cope without her. She was my best friend and we did everything together. I saw her all the time and we spoke about 6 times a day on the phone up until she was very ill in her last weeks and sleepy with morphine.

I have suffered from anxiety and depression in the past and she was the one person who could calm me down and make everything alright. Yesterday I was due to have an operation to remove my gallbladder and I was actually at the hospital and booked in when I told them I was feeling unwell and left.

I am so scared of having the operation and imagine all the horrible things that could go wrong, I had an op once before but mum was helping me cope with my nerves and helped me go through it. Yesterday I just kept thinking I need mum, I can't do it without her. It's so stupid because I will still have to have it done and she won't be there.

I sit at home during the day and cry and cry. I hold my hands together and keep praying she will come back, I say over and over again "Please come back, please come back" like it will make a difference but I know it can't happen, I just want a miracle.

My husband tries so much to help and is so kind but it isn't the same and i'm scared of stressing him out. The night before I was due my operation I was in such a state and he was trying to calm me and I saw his eyes were bloodshot. He has high blood pressure and I thought "Omg i'm going to end up killing him"

My kids are wonderful but my misery stresses them out, I really really try to hid it but they hear me blowing my nose alot and notice my eyes are red.

I have been on meds (citalopram) in the past but they make me feel really weird and I don't like taking them. I go to a counsellor which is great when i'm with her but when i'm alone I start feeling low again.

I hate myself for being so stupid and not coping. I'm an adult, and a wife and a mum. I know what a stress and misery I am for my family to be around, but I don't believe I will ever get better without mum here to help me. I miss her so so much, I need her back, I can't believe she has gone forever - it isn't possible.

I'm so desperate I just don't know what to do, I want to hide in a corner and pretend none of this is happening. Please please can someone tell me how to cope, or even just hold up for my family.

BitterAndTwisted

Your anchor has been ripped away and you are cut adrift on a stormy sea. Under the circumstances, when you were so very close this is completely understandable. It's very difficult to manage without someone who was so important in our lives. If the grief and loss is having an overwhelming impact on your life, then I suggest that you consider a different grief-couseller to try to learn how you can cope better and move forward to a happier life without her. If she were here with you now do you think she would want you to be so very unhappy? You are not stupid! You are suffering terribly and you need different help.

I lost my Mum and I felt the same way, for quite a long time, so I think I understand how it is for you. There is a good future and you will recover. You will

tod123

I have been on meds (citalopram) in the past but they make me feel really weird and I don't like taking them

Go and see your GP and see if he/her has an alternative

BitterAndTwisted

Angel, you don't need to hide the pain or hold up for your family. They can cope seeing your pain because they are stronger than you think. Your husband sounds lovely, Lean on him. Hard

flutterby_lil

So sorry for your loss and feeling so sad. I agree that you need to see the gp and try some counselling.

I had my gallbladder removed last April, keyhole surgery. I feel much better now, had to stay in hospital 2 days longer due to infection and having a drain but a month later I could eat a lot more food and felt physically better.

Sending lots of love x

Errata

It might be an idea to see your GP as a matter of some urgency. At the moment you're catastrophising everything, and it doesn't have to be like that.

catch_me_if_you_can

I didn't want to read and run hun.

Definitely go back to your doctor, try and get some grief counselling, don't be afraid to lean on people for help. I do hope that you can find some comfort soon xxx

jackieb

You're not stupid! It's not stupid that you're missing your Mum, it's perfectly understandable. You're overwhelmed. You need to talk to your GP again.

Do you talk to anyone about how you're feeling or are you bottling it up, trying to look like you're managing to cope with it all? I'm sure your children are worried about you and i'm sure they'd appreciate you telling them how you're feeling, rather than them fretting because they're seeing their Mum upset. Maybe they don't realise just how much it's affecting you, the same with your husband, and if they knew i'm sure they'd try and help you more. xx

Hanging_by_a_thread

Please dont hate yourself. You are not being stupid at all. Everything you are feeling is a natural reaction to losing someone you loved in one of the worst ways possible.

Cancer, as you will be only to aware, is an horrific disease and you will have seen your mum suffering. At the time this was happening I am sure you were an amazing support to her and just got on with it. The emotional strain you must have been under must have been unbearable.

You dont mention your mums age, but cancer can strike at any time. I fear she died way to young and that it is this and how she died that has made it exceptionally hard for you to come to terms with her death.

It sounds as if you have a strong and happy family. Yes you are an adult, a wife and a mum. A really good one I bet, who has on countless times bent over backwards for your family and done all you can to love, help and protect them. You deserve their help and support now more than ever. They want to love and support you from what you describe in your post. This is a blessing. Dont feel a burden to them. Turn to them, talk to them, tell them how lost and upset you feel.

The counselling is a great idea and it sounds as if this helps you enormously. It was interesting that you said you felt better when there and then worse when you left. As you continue with the counselling you will strengthen emotionally and work out coping methods and how to find a way forward with life.

It is not even a year yet since you lost your mum. It may seem like a long painful time since then but in reality it is extremely early days in the grieving process. I would hazzard a guess that in the first few weeks or months you were in shock, then the grief and reality of not seeing, hearing or talking to your mum again will probably have set in. Grief has many forms to it. Working through each one very gradually takes alot of time.

I wish you well and am sorry I cant be of any more help than this. Take care.

Ames

I don't really have anything to say other than hugs. My mum died of cancer last April too, although I wasn't as close to her as you were to yours.

I went away and had some time just for me where I could think and reflect and start to accept things, which helped a lot.

Desperado99

((((hugs)))) to you xx

I would echo going back to your GP to review your meds as it doesn't sound as if they are right for you. My mum died of cancer a long while ago now, but I do remember how absolutely awful it was. I struggled for quite sometime before I was myself again........ but it does improve over time.