how to control son's disruptive behaviour

mrcow

So how much time is he spending playing computer games or sitting in front of the tv?

Does he do it every day? How many hours?

Sambucus_Nigra

mutley74 wrote: »

spend most things and time on a 1:1 (singe parent).

When he gets irrate i actually make him switch of his ps3 or the tv, and if he gets bad send him to his room to cool down. usually make sure he knows i am boss and that any bad behaviour means we both end up losing treats. But when things are going well he gets treats such as cinema trips, measl out, sky football etc.

See to me, this is saying that removing PS3 or the TV is a punishment, rather than actually just being part of life to not have these things. It is unhealthy to think of these things as being the norm. Honestly. I'd cut down the TV and games, and start to allow some quiet time into the day. Introduce other types of activities - that do not use these things.

mutley74

thanks for all the advice. To answer your questions, previously i have tried removing his treats such as the games console and tv rights, but he always find a loop hole to do something else.

He usually plays the computer/games console most days after school as he is looked after by my folks until i come home after work. We also spend time watching TV or playing the ps3 together at the weekends (usually when were not out shopping etc).

What i have started trying to do for the past few weeks is make saturday morning quiet time to encourage him to help with chores and do his homwork. So far it works although he does get upset with helping to hang clothes out.

Looks like i need to be more firm with him when his behaviour is not good by removing his treats. I will speak to him (again) and let him know that he has to improve or he will lose his console for a few days or he may even lose his space at cubs (if cubs leader decide that route) if he does not improve.

BitterAndTwisted

I don't think it's fair to remove the console fro a few days, myself. It''s too long a punishment for one so young. Punishments need to be short and sharp or they lose their power. Only you can decide whether his attachment to the console and the removal of it is appropriate or will get the results you want. I'd be thinking about setting predetermined limits,on a school-day like when he's at your folks and that's it. Maybe leave the PS3 there so that's part of his treat for going. But you need to give him attractive activities, maybe shared ones, as an alternative.

Will you come back after you've had your meeting with the cubs and tell us what they suggest?

Sambucus_Nigra

mutley74 wrote: »

Looks like i need to be more firm with him when his behaviour is not good by removing his treats. I will speak to him (again) and let him know that he has to improve or he will lose his console for a few days or he may even lose his space at cubs (if cubs leader decide that route) if he does not improve.

Rewind. I think that's the issue.

You are equating not having his treats with being naughty. But it's not an either/or situation. Do you have constant treats all the time? Treats should be that - a treat. Not a constant.

So the constant should be no treats, with chores, quiet play, fun, walks etc as part of the norm. Good = treats. Bad = punishment.

If normal = treats then bad = no treats and so what do you do for goods?

BitterAndTwisted

Astute observation Sambucus

duchy

mutley74 wrote: »

spend most things and time on a 1:1 (singe parent).

When he gets irrate i actually make him switch of his ps3 or the tv, and if he gets bad send him to his room to cool down. usually make sure he knows i am boss and that any bad behaviour means we both end up losing treats. But when things are going well he gets treats such as cinema trips, measl out, sky football etc.

Umm Not sure I quite understand your logic here-can you explain a bit more.
Seems you are saying that you also punish yourself if he is naughty ??? Does he show remorse that he is depriving you of your treats by his behaviour ? You as you say are the boss-not sure what boss punishes themselves for the acts of others ??????

BitterAndTwisted

I wouldn't make it plain that you are being punished along with your child for his perceived transgressions. You don't want to pile guilt on top of anything else.

Make a decision about the the PS3 use and tell him what you've decided. You are the parent and you are in control. That is only right and proper. He needs very badly to know where he stands. Any wavering and he'll exploit it.if he can. That is what young children do.

mutley74

duchy wrote: »

Umm Not sure I quite understand your logic here-can you explain a bit more.
Seems you are saying that you also punish yourself if he is naughty ??? Does he show remorse that he is depriving you of your treats by his behaviour ? You as you say are the boss-not sure what boss punishes themselves for the acts of others ??????

what i mean is for instance he is naught at the weekend, i might say no movie or games for the afternoon is allowed. Hence, means i might miss out on watching that movie or match or playing the games with him. Guess its just past of the sacrifice of being a parent.

When he is good, we go out and spend some time either visiting the mall and watching a movie or grabbing a pizza, or watching live saturday football in a bar, invite a friend around etc.

I trying not to be too harsh on him todayas i really enjoy spending time and doing things together. But we are out later today and i will have a chat with him again about behaviour rules and what he will lose if he does not listen.
thanks again for all your help.

patchwork_cat

I would recommend you teaching your son some mindful meditation and possibly yoga. My DS was younger than yours, but we would sit quietly and listen to the birds, the wind, the trees, feel the peace. Learn about various calming techniques, getting him to imagine himself in quiet and peaceful places. You will have to guide him, but if he learns how to calm down it might help.