am I being unreasonable?

carefullycautious

I cant believe how many people I know who have been landed looking after their grandchildren without even being asked if its convenient. There is no way on earth i would want to become a childminder it doesnt matter whose children it is.

It seems to be a presumption that it is ok.

I have a friend who has been landed doing it on her only day off from work, and for long hours too.

What happened to asking first

ginger_tony

I would text your DIL back and say your really sorry youve made other plans so you cant take take kid to school but your more than happy to collect him as arranged. If she makes a fuss tell her you are only able to do the either the dropping off or collecting but not both as you have other commitments. Just keep in mind they need you and should value you and her mother for what you both do for the child, sounds like her mother is getting sick of doing it too. And driving lessons shouldnt be arranged when her kid is to be dropped off could she not ask the instuctor to pick her up from the school at 9:00am that means she could take the kid herself.Good luck.

Mojisola

Perhaps meritaten could show her DIL how it should be done on rosie383's thread - https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3739069

The DIL doesn't seem to value the help she's getting or appreciate mertiaten. I would also want to have words with the son about this - the grandchild does have two parents.

jess1974

Myself and hubby have always looked after our own kids and never expected anyone to childmind or babysit for us, when mine start having their own children i shall tell them i'm happy to help in an emergency but i will not commit to childminding.....

Ravenlady_2

The OP needs a good 2-3 week dose of 'Flu'
The DIL really needs to learn how to stand on her own size 5's.

Pee

The root of the problem seems to be that her mother is temporarily unreliable due to the health problems of another family member and you are suffering from health problems which means a walk of less than a mile four times a day is not good exercise for you but serously harmful.

The best thing to do is talk to her. Emphasis the positives, how much you love your grandson, how sympathetic you are to her mum's concerns and your DIL's position but there are some things that are not possible for you and which you need to find a way around, in particular the walk to the village school.

There might be a logical solution like a parent of another child in the school walking him back and you meeting them at their house/ dropping him off.

Be very careful because if you mishandles this situation or tell her that you think she is taking the p*** there is a chance that you will cause a rift between you which means you don't enjoy the same relationship with your son and grandson in future.

We are mostly selfish and think of ourselves rather than others first unless we become aware of others needs. If she continues once she is aware of your needs, then that is a different matter.

Cherry_Bomb

Ravenlady wrote: »

The OP needs a good 2-3 week dose of 'Flu'
The DIL really needs to learn how to stand on her own size 5's.

How petty.

If the OP has told DIL how she's feeling but she's taking no notice then yes fair enough, she is taking the mick.
Bit if the girl doesn't know there's a problem then landing her in it is just unfair!!

BJV

Think you can tell by all the responses not one person thinks that you are being unreasonable. Not one person is questioning your feelings or motives. I know how expensive child care is both sets of family live abroad so it can be hard. But I would hate to think that I was packing my two little sweeties ( lol ) to grandparents every day. It is not fair on you or them and you need to sort it out so that you don't end up resenting looking after him. Worse still it start to affect your health.

Child care is expensive but it can be done you just have to be very organised and if you forget say a driving lesson at least have the bottle to own up!

Good luck and talk to them after all it is one thing relying on someone its another taking the absolute P. I bet they don't even know and would be horrified if they knew how this was affecting you.

Hope you feel better soon.:A

paddy's_mum

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

you'd like it written down in advance

I think this is an eminently sensible solution and should prevent any similar arguments in the future. If your daughter in law was to present you with a weekly list, you all know exactly where you stand and there is then no possible room for later misunderstanding.

Now might be the only opportunity to begin this "in black and white" system. In your shoes, I'd be grabbing the opportunity to steer your previous loving relationship with your grandson and his mother back onto firm, cordial ground.

meritaten

Thank you all so much for your supportive replies - some really good advice too- which you will see that I have taken on board.
to answer one question - This was the DIL I posted about before christmas.
Ok - I phoned her this morning just after eight and asked her if she still wanted me to take him to school or to pick him?
she said that she had cancelled the driving lesson and would I please take him to school for 12.45. (he does 12.45 to 3.15 so you can see I have barely a couple of hours before doing the next trip)
her mum would pick him up.
I explained that my back had been troubling me badly lately and I really can't do two trips! I didnt mind having him all morning - I did this monday as her shift was 10.00 til 2.00. the problem is that her rota changes weekly and todays shift was 1.00 to 5.00.
I also said that if there are any changes then as much notice as possible was needed because I had made plans to go over to town to pick up granddaughters birthday pressie (I had booked a taxi for 9.30) and that's why minding him from 9.00 wasnt convenient.
as for my son - before her bosses started messing her about she worked 6.00 am til 10.00 am. but thats all changed! son used to drop him off at mine or his other nans and we knew where we were! son has a 25 minute commute to work and he cannot possibly drop off or pick GS up from nursery.
I dont think she is terribly happy about missing her lesson - but, right now, I think serve her right - she should have let me know sooner!
She isnt happy at work - these shift changes are getting her down as it disrupting everyone! even GS is anxiously asking me now 'who is picking me up today?' 'are you sure?'.