am I being unreasonable?

*max*

I think she has a bloody cheek, and she's taking you for granted completely! Time to have a chat and lay down your rules (once you've calmed down a little - I know I would be fuming and that's never a good base for a conversation). You're doing HER a favour, for crying out loud. How can she even think of "telling" you that you "have" to do something? Seriously, I wouldn't even think of treating anyone this way.

Scrapaholic

You aren't being unreasonable at all . It's a cheek to expect you to change your plans and even if you could have, she didn't word things in the way that would make you want to help her . I've been in similar position a few times + it's not a nice feeling to be taken for granted . Sure it happens to us grandparents quite a lot but hope you get it sorted out .

meritaten

I will have calmed down by tomorrow - but I dont think my DIL realises just how serious my back problem is. while walking is good exercise - too much can exacerbate my problem! I am only supposed to walk on the flat - and in the south wales valleys that can be impossible! the school is uphill - about 3/4 of a mile away! doing it once means that I have to rest for a few hours - I cant do it TWICE in the couple of hours of nursery!
I will explain that to her and also tell her that I need notice of change of plans - which tbh she is usually very good about.
over the last four years the arrangement has worked well - but she really has annoyed me this time!

BitterAndTwisted

No, you are not being unreasonable at all. Why someone would just send a bloody text when they are supposed to be asking for your help is incomprehensible and really very rude indeed. Manipulative, too.

When you've calmed down I would just tell her how much you are prepared to do, that you are happy to do it, but you'd like it written down in advance so you can arrange your other activities around it and if there are to be any changes you'll need some decent notice so you can rearrange things if you can. Or if you want to.

She's being selfish in the extreme and needs to learn how to communicate like an adult, like actually talking to someone and asking rather than telling, and to stop being so flipping rude!

mummyoftwomonkeys

You're not being unreasonable at all. I know how hard it is for couples to balance work and children but I would never expect my m.i.l or my mum to take on the roll of child carer. She has a bloomin nerve to TELL you what you need to do. If she wants to learn to drive then she fits it in in her spare time. I know how hard the school run is myself, these cold mornings don't help. If I were you I would be straight with her and tell her that although you love to help out you feel it is to much and she will have to start thinking about other arrangements.

globetraveller

does she normally text you? I think its incredibly rude to do that when she has made a change in arrangements. But perhaps she knows she is out of line this time and thats why she couldn't actually speak to you.
You did the right thing to not respond in anger. You have a perfectly valid reason to not be doing 2 school runs( or uphill walks) in one day- not that you actually need a reason. Perhaps you need to just do it this time but draw a line in the sand for the future.

rosie383

It's very possible that she really, honestly hasn't thought that she is taking you for granted. Maybe after a gentle word she will probably be mortified,( I know I would be!!!) and be a lot more considerate.
One of the previous posters made a very good point......she perhaps just needs it to be pointed out again that you physically just can't do what she was asking you to do.

coolcait

Of course, the problem with texting is that you can't get emotion, tone, expression etc into a text. Unlike the way you can use your voice to express all of those things.

Plus, a text tends to be much more abbreviated than a phone conversation. So it can come across as curt and peremptory.

I do think she's taking you for granted. But, maybe if she had spoken to you, it would have come across much more along the lines of "I'm really sorry to do this at such short notice, but I have to ask if you'd be able to take the wee one to school tomorrow, because...." Much better thatn 'you have to..'

A phone conversation would also have given you the chance to explain why you really can't do it.

Is this the same DIL you posted about just before Christmas, because there was an issue with you not feeling invited to your GS's school play?

Once again, I think that the answer to your question is that you have to sit down and talk to your son and your DIL and explain how you are feeling physically and emotionally. A calm, but in-depth, face to face chat in privacy - not a brightly barbed throwaway line in the middle of a supermarket.

You love your GS to bits, you have no problem with minding him as arranged, but you cannot PHYSICALLY make the trip to the school twice a day. As you say, once you have calmed down, you can tell your son and DIL all these things. They need to know that there are boundaries, and very real physical limitations on the things you can do to help with childcare.

It may also be time to start sowing the idea in their minds that you won't be able to keep this up for ever, so they might want to (have to? ) think of alternative back-up plans for childcare.

Also, have you suggested to your son that he also has a role to play in terms of working out the childminding? You and your GS's other granny are childminding so that both parents can work - not just the mum.

Maybe he could take his son to school so that your DIL can take her driving lesson? You could give him a reminder about his parental responsibilities, as well as anything you have to say to your DIL.

I completely agree that your DIL could have handled the situation better. However, her reason for needing help in the morning doesn't seem out of order - it's a driving lesson, not a manicure. She's trying to learn a skill which could benefit the family as well as herself. After all, if she learns to drive, that could possibly make life easier for all of you.

I hope you can work it out. As McKneff says, in the middle of all of this there's a wee man who loves his nana, and his mum and his dad.

BitterAndTwisted

Actually, sod the driving lesson. As far as I'm aware they have to be booked in advance. She forgot to mention it and didn't want to miss it and waste the money. Still, she should have phoned and asked like a normal person. Text messages cause so much unnecessary trouble. When I rule the world, I'm going to ban them

coolcait

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Actually, sod the driving lesson. As far as I'm aware they have to be booked in advance. She forgot to mention it and didn't want to miss it and waste the money. Still, she should have phoned and asked like a normal person. Text messages cause so much unnecessary trouble. When I rule the world, I'm going to ban them

I agree with you.

The trouble is that a lot of people (Most people? Everyone except you and I and a few others? ) see texting as the way that "a normal person" communicates.

So, until you become ruler of the world, and ban text messages (you have my vote for that part of your manifesto!) we're stuck with the status quo.

That means we have to find a way to deal with it. In the OP's circumstances, I would go for a face to face chat (not a phone call) and set down boundaries. Including the fact that I'd expect a phone call, not a text, for any message which involved a change to agreed plans.