don't know what to do about my sons 3 night school trip

looby75

Apologies in advance for a long post but I was hoping someone might be able to give me some advice.

Every year the Yr 5 kids from ds school go on a 4 day/3 night residential trip. Ds has known about this trip since he started juniors, well since before that really as his big sister went on it when he was younger.

We got the letter about the trip in September and we were asked to pay a £10 deposit to register an interest and were told the full balance (£180) would be due by the end of Feb. I asked ds if he wanted to go and he seemed really excited and said yes.

When they returned to school after the Christmas hols a letter was sent home saying they needed to change the date by which the balance was paid, they now want £70 by Friday 20th Jan and the final £100 before the half term hols. I asked ds if he still wanted to go and he said yes, I explained that once I had paid the £70 he couldn't change his mind and he seemed fine.

The last couple of weeks he's not been his usual happy self, I put it down to him missing his dad and his girlfriend, they have just moved house and ds has a lovely new bedroom in the new house and his dad and g/fs undivided attention, so it's totally understandable he'd want to be over there. His dad noticed he seemed a bit quiet at times too and phoned me to see if I knew why. After having a talk with ds he said he feels a bit left out in school and that no one plays with him. He's not a sporty kid and the majority of the playground activities are sports based I tried to explain to him that he can't always have things his own way and that if he joined in with the activities he might find he actually enjoyed them. This seemed to work and he brightened up a bit, he even got some of his friends mobile numbers so he could text them off his new phone and arrange to go out to play after school/weekends......until last night.

He had been in bed for about 45 mins when I got a text from him saying he couldn't get to sleep because he was worried about the school trip and that he didn't want to go. I went up to see him and he was sobbing his heart out. I asked him why he had changed his mind and he just said that he didn't want to be away from home for 3 nights and he was worried that no one would want to be with him on the trip. I tried to reassure him it would be fine, that everyone else would be worried about going away from home for the first time etc. It didn't work the only way I could get him to calm down was by telling him that I wouldn't make him go if he really didn't want to but we wouldn't make the final decision until Friday (the last day the £70 payment can be made)

He got up this morning and he looked terrible and was almost in tears as he left the house for school. I really don't know what to do, I don't want him to be so stressed and worried between now and April when they go on the trip, but I can't afford to just throw £70 away (possibly the full £180) just in case he changes his mind and wants to go on the trip closer to the time.

(if you got to the end of this, thank you!)

Gillyx

If he really doesn't want to go, I wouldn't pay the £70. If he changes his mind, it'l be a steep learning curve for him. That sounds really harsh, but you don't want to be throwing away the money and you don't want to be forcing him to go if it'l make him really unhappy. You could try and speak to him and say that it's a once in a life time opportunity and stress if he changes his mind now, there will be no going back and if he's sure he won't regret it.

It is a hard one OP and not a decision I'd like to make.

fluffnutter

Has he ever been on something similar before? Is this first time nerves or a genuine aversion to this particular trip. When I was 10 I went on a kids' holiday with just my brother. I cried buckets before I went but my parents gently encouraged me anyway and I had a great time. Looking back on it I was just freaked by something new and felt out of my comfort zone.

There are first times for everything and it's natural for children to feel apprehensive. That's why you need to try to work out whether it's just the unfamiliarity of it that's upsetting him or whether he really won't enjoy it.

Are there other kids/parents/teachers that you can talk to about this. And your son too? I doubt he's the only kid his age to feel a bit wobbly about something like this. Perhaps if he spoke to other kids that were going it would put his mind at rest. School trips are great for throwing kids who don't know each other that well together and new friendships can be forged. It might be just the thing he needs.

If he doesn't go, he might feel temporarily relieved. But I bet he might feel he's failed a little bit too.

Mimi09

I remember doing the same when it was time for our school trip (30 years ago!) My brother came in to find me in bed in floods of tears - it is pretty daunting at that age. However, it was fantastic and I still have fond memories. It may sound harsh, but I would still expect him to go and not give him the option. He'll get so much out of it.

JooFox

Talk to the other parents. But I remember my first night away and I was oversome with tears. But I can honestly tell you that within the first 5 minutes of being there I had forgotten all about my fears and in fairness I didn't get on with about half of the group as they were 3-4 years older but we just kept in a small group. Everyone split off and had ther own fun.
If it is more than the fear of being away from home tread carefully though, I agree about not paying and it will have to be a lesson if the mind is changed nearer the time. It will make them more determined to be sure next time. And chances are they will hear stories afterwards and wished that they'd gone.

Must be horrible to deal with those tears at night though. Make sure he has all the facts of possible outcomes but be clear that there is no pressure!

Good luck.

looby75

fluffnutter wrote: »

Has he ever been on something similar before? Is this first time nerves or a genuine aversion to this particular trip. When I was 10 I went on a kids' holiday with just my brother. I cried buckets before I went but my parents gently encouraged me anyway and I had a great time. Looking back on it I was just freaked by something new and felt out of my comfort zone.

There are first times for everything and it's natural for children to feel apprehensive. That's why you need to try to work out whether it's just the unfamiliarity of it that's upsetting him or whether he really won't enjoy it.

Are there other kids/parents/teachers that you can talk to about this. And your son too? I doubt he's the only kid his age to feel a bit wobbly about something like this. Perhaps if he spoke to other kids that were going it would put his mind at rest. School trips are great for throwing kids who don't know each other that well together and new friendships can be forged. It might be just the thing he needs.

If he doesn't go, he might feel temporarily relieved. But I bet he might feel he's failed a little bit too.

He's been away with his grandparents before and he's been fine, but he's never been away without a family member before. He says he doesn't want me to talk to the school and he doesn't want to talk to his friends because he doesn't want anyone thinking he's a baby. He's genuinely distressed about it all.

Mimi09 wrote: »

I remember doing the same when it was time for our school trip (30 years ago!) My brother came in to find me in bed in floods of tears - it is pretty daunting at that age. However, it was fantastic and I still have fond memories. It may sound harsh, but I would still expect him to go and not give him the option. He'll get so much out of it.

normally I would agree but hes had such a change of personality since the letter came home, he's been totally withdrawn and unhappy

debbie_debt

My son has never been into the usual sports (footie, rugby, tennis etc) instead favouring skating and skiing/outward bound type sports. When he was at primary school, where things tend to be close-knit, he often felt this way. I can't sympathise enough - I remember my lad feeling that same as yours. Firstly, I would be reassuring your son that high school is a different kettle of fish and he can look forward to meeting a much more diverse group of friends who might share his interests. My son's now very popular for being into 'different' sports and has a great group of friends. I can't remember the last time he felt left out of anything.

As for the school trip - personally, I'd be inclined to have the conversation again when he's not in an emotional state. If he still insists he doesn't want to go then I'd not pay a penny more and not make him go. There's nothing worst than sending your kid off for his first trip away from home and him coming home telling you he hated it. It'd ruin his perception of school trips for life. These things should be a joy.

Good luck!

Sezzagirl

I would go into the school and talk to his teacher - they might be able to help shine light on if anything that's happened at school recently to throw his mood out. The teacher might be able to find the best way to reassure him about the trip and his concerns. Maybe some more explanation about where they are staying might help - things like how many in a room, can he share with a few friends (trips my kids have been on, they are able to choose at least one friend they want to be with) and toilet arrangements can worry little ones:)

Also, if this is a regular trip, the teaching staff are probably used to taking children away for their first big trip if that's the case for him and also children who are worried about it

It might also be possible to get a bit of lee-way in paying the money - maybe to delay your decision a bit:j

Obviously, I wouldn't force a child to go if they really didn't want to but it would be such a shame of he doesn't go on this trip - if almost everyone else goes and he doesn't, he will then miss out on a real "bonding" experience. Maybe you can work on things that would make the trip more attractive for him - I'm sure posters here will be able to come up with some ideas to help

It's a long while from now until April and hopefully, by then, he will have changed his mind so it would be such a shame if he can't go because of the way he feels today:)

Good luck and I would definately start with a chat with the teacher

vax2002

Let the child choose.
Next question

kazwookie

Is any thing else bothering him?

looby75

vax2002 wrote: »

Let the child choose.
Next question

the problem is he's gone from seeming quite keen on the trip to not wanting to go in a short time, I don't want him to miss out if he changes his mind closer to the trip if it's just a bit of a wobble now.

kazwookie wrote: »

Is any thing else bothering him?

other than feeling like a bit of a fish out of water at breaktimes I don't think so.