hidden debt and paying it back

satchmo1

Hi

Well done on the first practical step of 'fessing up.

Next step getting support from your doctor. When depressed, people often expend huge amounts of effort hiding the depression from everyone (including themselves). Now you can expend that energy on getting better and working *with* your DH to clear your debts. Meditation is my DH's biggest tool to keep his black dog at bay. Depression is self feeding, you're depressed because of the debt but in denial so spend. The key is probably to find out why you're depressed?

Is it now feasible for you to start job hunting - now that you don't have to hide the mail? Or perhaps the cake making would generate more income?

Hugs
Satchmo x

shopaholic2

I'm dead impressed that within a day you fessed up! No procrastinating! You decided to do it and did. Now the only way is forward. You should feel proud of the fact that your determination got you to tell him. I'm a coward and never told mine, as you know, he found out.
Well done x

sueh6

You're obviously much stronger than you think you are by telling him everything the same day you made the decision to do so.

I was in a much worse position than you - 65k worth of debt hidden from my husband. His reaction was similar to your OH - it was my debt I clear it as he would have nothing to do with it. What he failed to see (and if I'm honest still struggles with) is that the only thing I did wrong was keep it from him - it wasn't all my debt, it was his too but I was the one who hid it. We both are on the same page now in the sense that the debt will be gone by the end of next year but becuase he never had a LBM I do have to work really hard to control his spending.

He cam round though and I'm sure your OH will do to but it takes time and until its gone (maybe forever?) there will be a little resentment occasionally. Take care on your journey and good luck

quantic

Well done for confessing, I hope it all works out for you in the end.

My advice would be to avoid using the "its only money" approach from this point, it may only be money that you owe, but that money represents a significant amount of work that is now going to need to be done on your partners behalf to help you repay it, so you may find he resents you even more should you belittle the efforts in this manner, I would advise an approach that shows you accept how big of a deal it is and instead show how committed you are to never letting it happen again.

It is (at least in my opinion) an "its only money" attitude that both creates these situations to begin with and causes the partner to go crazy afterwards. Money represents time, and you wouldn't say "its only your time", which is how he may take it

All the best!

CompBunny

Sparkles81 wrote: »

Hello everyone,

Well I have done it I told him.

He hasn't yelled yet. But obviously he has is very very angry, hurt, feels betrayed and cant believe if I love him as much as I say do, why I have done this again.

He says he feels like walking out but has no where to go. Doesnt even want to talk about the debt or solution etc etc....he is says its my problem he will not bail me out this time.

It has been an evening of honesty, it would appear I am battling depression too, wont go into too much detail as I dont want to appear be passing the blame on my mental health. I have done wrong and I admit that.

I am going to get an emergency appointment at the doctors first thing tomorrow.

At this precise moment, I haven no idea if I have marriage left or not. So not sure what the best way forward is going to be at the moment.

Will re post again tomorrow.

The kids by the way have been fantastic and they are okay.

Thank you all so much. Things are bleak right now but without this forum, and all your replies, I would never have told him. My marriage could well be over but at least I have owned up now.

Thank you again.

Sparkle, I am so proud of you! :grouphug: I can't imagine how difficult it must have been, for both you and your husband - but you did it. Its done, and whilst the coming weeks might be very difficult at least everything is out in the open:o

I hope that your husband can take some time out for an evening or two to get his head together and be in a better mental position to start tackling the debt, together.

As to the depression, I'm so glad you are going to the doctors today. Please do let us know how you get on. I have suffered from clinical depression for nearly 5 years now, and it has made money management a lot more difficult...although now I channel my anxiety into being almost scared of spending any money, finding a sensible middle ground is tough! The best advice I can give you is to reach out to whatever practical or emotional support is available to you. When suffering from depression its very easy to shut everything out and close yourself off to help, but there is support out there for you. Its also worth reading the "money, mental health and debt" guide http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/cards/mental-health-guide

Look after yourself, especially today, and hope things start looking up for you soon :A

Lost_and_nervous

I just wanted to say that I totally understand what your saying and am a situation a little bit like yours, yet I continue to hide it but am doing everything I can and moving forward slowly. I have had great support from this forum and have made 'friends' on here who continue inspiring me to carry on.

You will be ok. xxx

ginger_tony

Hi sparkles, im so glad you came clean as this is a 1st step to your getting this mess sorted out and it couldnt have helped your mental health carrying on with the guilt. If I were you I would go to your closest family and friends and get all the support you can. I know you must be scared of losing your hubby but if he wanted to go he would have left already. Keep in mind you have had a long time to take this in and he has only just been told, he needs time and lots of it. If you are gifted with the art of cake making I would make a few, get a load of cvs done and go round every cake shop , sandwich shop, deli etc let them taste your wares and ask for a job or some orders.Good luck and lets us know how you get on.

Sparkles81_2

Hello everyone,

Thank you to you all for kind comments and words of encouragement.

I have just got back from the doctors. I told the GP everything too. He did a basic assessment and said that I was serverely depressed caused by circumstances. Briefly, we lived on our own away from family and friends my family are 5 hours away by car. I have no friends, I am very lonely, I miss my family desperately, I struggle to talk about my feelings, in the last 2 years, my sister died, she drank herself to death, my mum had breast cancer, I thought she was going to die too. I wont go on and on but you get the picture.

The GP thinks from what I have told him, that my overspending is an addiction, similar to a drug addict, I spend to get a little lift, which doesnt last, so I spend again.

He is referring me to the mental health unit for assessment. He said they do help people with addictions too and also to help me with all the other stuff.

In the meantime he wants me to start on anti depressants straight away. I have got the script but obviously this has be paid for. Not sure how to tackle that one yet.

The other big thing that has happened today, is that I telephoned my sister, and told her everything as well. She is the best sister in the world, is all I need to say.

Husband was very angry this morning, quite rightly. He went to work and I texted him to tell him I had told my sister. He text back to say he had told his best mate (best mate lives 3 hours away) Not heard from him since.

He hasn't physically left, because he has no where to go, he wouldnt let his work down. So still not sure, whether he will help me or not.

Thank you all again.

wannabee_in_credit

Well done Sparkles. Probably doesn't feel like it at the moment but this is a massive step forward (I just hope that mental health services step up and do their job as well as they can).
Where are you based (roughly)? You need to think about finding some friends/a hobby/some groups so that you're not so alone all of the time. My OH is in a similar situation - a long way from his 'home' with very few friends. I've tried and tried, but a lot of it is through choice.
I wish you lots of luck. Please stay on here - you will make friends and find lots of support.

vasseur

Well done for telling your husband and going to the GP. Do you feel any better about things?