hidden debt and paying it back

sueh6

How are things? Any news on the Hubby front and have you got your script? xx

danthemoneysavingman

Hope you don't mind me making a suggestion, having read a good portion of this thread.
Seems it would be most sensible for a way forward from this if you husband controls the finances going forward, and you hand them over to him. that at least could help him feel more in control of them. I am surprised that, given how much he seems to let money concerns control his feelings, he has been happy to let you look after it all (just saying this as it is what you said near the top). But as a way forward, its gotta be worth considering, I think.

Still good luck and well done for being brave.

sizzors

Hi - just thought I's post a message to say I've completely been there, done that and come out the other side. I hid £27k of debt but my o/h had previously helped me out when my debt was only at around 7k, promised I'd never do it again. Low and behold I spent again, consolidated and convinced myself I'd sort it out and wouldnt ever have to tell him. I was unbearable to live with & I think deep down he knew he always asked 'Is it money?'. Deny, deny, deny again. What brought it to a head was his brother getting married and although we've together for 20 years, never married. I had this moment when I said to myself - you're living a lie, he's living with someone he doesnt know anymore. It wasnt about the money, I wanted to be a partner in the true sense of the word.
I broke down, cried, confessed all. Angry is an understatement. He sent me to his accountant to confess all too! This helped enormously as she talked to him & us both together too. Initially he went down the route of raising the money but I knew he would be sacrificing and maybe getting himself in debt and this would have only caused resentment. What made us turn a huge corner was me biting the bullet and sorting this myself. I definately felt overwhelmed permananently for about a month whilst looking at my options. I finally had my IVA agreed in September and can honestly say it is the best decision I ever made. I now have to live on a budget which is a huge change and even if I had the notion to spend all these options have been taken away - just what I needed. No more hiding letters, avoiding phone calls, sleepless nights. The best thing is that my o/h honestly loves me more now than he ever did and I can't believe I ever jeopardised our future. I confessed in June last year and it now seems like a million years since I did. It was I can truthfully say it was the worst time of my life but the best thing I ever did.
I'm sure you'll be OK and you'll be posting soon the say you're on your way to sorting this out. Life's too short to worry yourself sick and not enjoy life. Tell him, it's not going to be nice for a while but time's a great healer and love does conquer all! Take care x

Sparkles81_2

Hello everyone,

Thank you again all of you for lovely supportive posts.

Didnt post yesterday because my husband took the day off work. Yesterday morning I was in a right state, couldnt even get the children ready for school...:( Im finding mornings when I wake up the hardest, realisation of what I have done and how its effecting everybody just gets too much.

Anyway, yesterday, we worked through a lot, with the money side and it apparent we have lot a personal marriage problems that been bubbling on the surface and we have long way to go in sorting them too.

However, the money was and is the first priority. Hubby sat down with me and I showed him the advice I got from the CCCS and there suggestion we should go a DMP. So that is what we are doing. We did the budget together and went through all the creditors etc. My job today is to follow the action pack they sent and get it already for hubby to check tonight and we will post it tomorrow.

Hubby is taking full control of all our monies. I am not even going to have a bank account, it going to be in his name only. He is going deal with all monies, and we going to do things like the food shopping together.

He is still very very angry, hurt and feels very betrayed, which he has every right to feel. He does recognise that I am poorly and that I need help and he is being as supportive as he can be. It must be hard for him having to support me emotionally when on the other side of the coin he hates me for what I have done. And he also recognises that some of his faults have contributed to me getting so poorly.

So overall, we are making a tiny steps forward but we have a hell of a long way to go, but as long as its always little steps forward, I think I can cope and I hope he can to.

For those that asked, Hubby went and got my prescription yesterday morning after taking the kids the school.

The other thing that is happening today is that my sister going to tell my mum and hopefully she will be able to come up and stay with me for a bit to help me emotionally.

Will update soon, might even start a diary blog.

Thank you all again.

vasseur

Sparkles81 wrote: »

Will update soon, might even start a diary blog.

This is a great idea. Start reading some of the other diaries too - some are extremely motivational and inspirational.

I'm glad you've sat down and had a chat. It's early days but you are on the way to sorting things out. Have a look on the OS board for tips on getting your food shopping spend down - this is one area where you can really cut back and it will be benefitting the whole family too (without compromising on quality). This will be a good way of showing your husband that you are making amends.

I know I've said it before but saving money and budgetting wisely really does become addictive. It's very empowering.

Glad you've got your meds. Once these kick in you'll find everything else a lot easier to cope with.

Take care

gemini12

Hi sparkles I am glad to hear from you I, for one, was getting concerned about you. Glad that you are talking things through even if you all have a long way to go.
I have had one thought about you not having access to a bank account. If anything happened to your OH you and the children would be left completely peniless. Is there any way there could be an account that you can access perhaps lodging the card with a solicitor or good friend in case of emergency.

opinions4u

Don't be afraid to approach Relate on the relationship side.

www.relate.org.uk

I'd also suggest that you do have your own bank account. A basic bank account with no overdraft facility for your "pocket money" to live in.

While you've erred on the money side, I don't think it's a good idea to completely give up all independence. Even if it's only a tenner a week that you get freedom to spend!

By the way, when the happy pills need a new prescription ask the doctor to let you have two months supply on one form!

Baba_Jaga

Oh I so want to say I am thinking of you Sparkles81!
I am on a DMP, have been for a couple of years and hubby doesnt know. But when I read your post I worked out alot of what has happend. My oh is great with money; but never asked why I could spend what I did with the amount of income I had. It should be about partnership and I so want to be open and honest now especially since I have got the debt down by 50%. I think I am shielding/protecting him, but thats a lie to myself I guess.....Now I know more about budgeting, I know we have to do it together or it will never work. But I can feel your fear from telling your o.h and I want you to know I am sending you strength!!
Also, I spent to fill a void in my life, feel better about things and some time working out what the issues are will probably help us both. Dont be hard on yourself; you are working it out now so things will gradually improve. You will look back one day and be so glad you tackled it - and CCCS are brilliant, they will help you if you want them to.
Best of luck, thanks for your story.:A

arsenalbarnie

Hi Sparkles well done on what you have done so far. My mum was in this situation a year ago. We found out about the debt, she didn't own up, but she was an emotional wreck. Like you especially worse in the mornings. Let others take over the stress of running the finances(I took this over for my parents). You need to get yourself back on an even keel. Hubby may be stressed aswell now but he hasn't been up until now. All th
All thatpent up emotion needs to come out and at least you are both talking about it. He may never get over it, but the anger will subside. My dad had all his dreams shatttered when he found out and wanted to leave, but me begging him to stay changed his mind and a year down the road things are 100% better. I have bugetted for them, they have money, ppi claimed back and he is happier making all the financial decisions with me keeping a very close eye on things on a daily basis,, mum too as she doesn't have to worry any more. They too do the food shopping together and we give mum cash each week for her and she has a cleaning job once a week. Things will get better. Have subscribed to your thread and see how you get on. Keep taking the tablets you need them right now xx

ginger_tony

So glad you are ok sparkles, I too was worried the hubby had left and you were in a state. Your OH must still love you very much as you do him which is a start. You sound as though your sorted with regards to start tackling your problems but feel you should still have an account you can access small amounts of money otherwise you may become resentful in the future and feel you are begging for cash which isnt a nice feeling. Hope you and your hubby begin to feel better soon this can only get better from here on in , onwards and upwards. Stay positive and all the best to you and your family.