hidden debt and paying it back

shopaholic2

Hunny I feel for you. This time last year I was in a similar position. I had hidden debts, and my husband was getting to the point of thinking I was having an affair because even tho I tried to act normal, whilst hiding so much, I obviously failed, and he KNEW I was hiding something.
We have consolidated so many times, at present we have a big secured loan which was from paying off credit cards and loans.
I swore it wouldn't happen again.....but it did. I don't even work, but I got credit cards thrown at me, and I thought I could handle it.
I was in charge of all the accounts, and if the bank balance was low, I would, like you, buy stuff on the credit card.
My thoughts were, oh works hard and he shouldn't have to worry about there being no money etc etc.
Things were bad. Very bad. And when I look back I think of what a horrible dark place I was in, yet it seemed normal, because I'd lived like that for so long!

Now, somedays I wake up still thinking I've got hidden debt, but I don't have and it feels great.
We work together to do a budget, we have separate bank accounts, ( I get dal and incapacity benefit).
I actively look for freebies, bargains, and feel so proud when I get a good deal.
I'm no longer scared of the phone, I no longer HAVE to get to the post first.....relief.
I know how you feel, I honestly do.
My situation came to a head when hubby FOUND my paperwork. He asked me what debt we were in, I lied, and he said " tell me the truth, I need to know"
He was very upset, shocked and angry, but more angry that I'd kept it from him.
He did say, he knew he should have kept a better eye on the bank account etc, but trusted things were ok.
This time last year was bleak, we we on the verge of splitting up, not just cos of the debts, but it was a major factor in our issues...basically no trust, he really thought I was being secretive and jumpy because I was having an affair!

Wish I could hold your hand thru this, I DO know what you're going through, and am happy to offer help and advice if you want any xxx

Sparkles81_2

Again, thank you all for stories and input. They really are helping me no end. But I still have the hurdle of telling my husband. Still working out the best time to do this.

Im not looking for sympathy....I messed up, I hold my hands up to that. But I am looking for support, I cant deal with this without support and advice.

Telling my husband is the hardest part, and I am so scared of telling him, whenever I think about it, my tummy churns and I have to run to the loo, sorry tmi. I am trying to figure out what I am so scared off....he has every right to be angry and call me names. I can only think its because I am scared he will reject me, and I am scared how this will effect the children, not in a financial way but emotionally, if he cant maintain some normality in front them. My husband and my children are my complete world, I love them all so much and without them there is no point to anything. I am just so ashamed I have done this to all of them.

Tears are flowing now....honestly think I am the worst person in the world at the moment, how could I do this to the people I love so much.

missrlr

Send kids to grandparents for night and have the conversation without them? Tell your husband that they are going away for the night as you have to tell him something and that before they get back the next day the shouting has to be over.

wannabee_in_credit

I've been following this thread, but haven't had anything new to say or post about it. I wish you luck...
If you can't discuss it or bring yourself to speak to him have you thought about writing it down? And in the letter ask him to take some time to think and consider before he completely flies off the handle. He will be angry, no doubt, and he has right to be - but if you show him that you are determined not to make the mistake again and explain the steps you're willing to take then perhaps once he has calmed down he'll realise that you're taking responsibility and are ready to make a change.
As for your kids - I don't know how old they are but it's taken me almost 7 years to realise that they don't need even half of what I'd like to treat them to. They need love, clothes, roof over head, food and then will probably have a couple of favourite games or toys. I was almost broken financially getting my dd a games console and ds a trampoline for Christmas - and it ended up being just about all they got from me, but I've heard no word of complaint at all from either. They save Christmas/birthday/pocket money (from my parents) and then they buy things that they really want.
I really do wish you luck.

shopaholic2

Sparkles I felt the same, utterly low, lowest of the low!
Thing is, it's ONLY money, easy to say, but once we had sorted out the mess my oh said " I don't care if we have nothing, as long as we have each other"
I was very lucky in that my parents stepped in and helped paying a few creditors off, but again, there was a lot of shame, my mum said " you've been in debt since you were 20"
I'm 42.
If, and it's unlikely, but IF he kicks off and ends it, then you won't die. The children won't die. You will survive, and you'llk be surprised by how much your survival instinct will kick in.
I was advised over & over to tell oh, but I just couldn't. So I felt guilty and ashamed by that too!
Nothing you feel is anything I didn't feel last yr.
You will not destroy your family simply because of this.....you haven't murdered anyone, remember we are here xx

Sparkles81_2

unfortunatley, we dont have any family near us. Other option I am thinking is to get him to take a couple of days off work, he has holiday to use up and doing it when the kids are at school and in the morning...when he is not tired from a days work. He will then have a good few hours to shout at me and calm down before the kids come home.

Sparkles81_2

shopaholic2 wrote: »

Sparkles I felt the same, utterly low, lowest of the low!
Thing is, it's ONLY money, easy to say, but once we had sorted out the mess my oh said " I don't care if we have nothing, as long as we have each other"
I was very lucky in that my parents stepped in and helped paying a few creditors off, but again, there was a lot of shame, my mum said " you've been in debt since you were 20"
I'm 42.
If, and it's unlikely, but IF he kicks off and ends it, then you won't die. The children won't die. You will survive, and you'llk be surprised by how much your survival instinct will kick in.
I was advised over & over to tell oh, but I just couldn't. So I felt guilty and ashamed by that too!
Nothing you feel is anything I didn't feel last yr.
You will not destroy your family simply because of this.....you haven't murdered anyone, remember we are here xx

Shopaholic, thank you so much for sharing your experience. Are you debt free now then?? was your debt as huge as mine???

pmlindyloo

Sparkles81 wrote: »

unfortunatley, we dont have any family near us. Other option I am thinking is to get him to take a couple of days off work, he has holiday to use up and doing it when the kids are at school and in the morning...when he is not tired from a days work. He will then have a good few hours to shout at me and calm down before the kids come home.

Seems a good idea but means that you are putting it off. I can understand why you are doing so.

I know you are dreading it but I always feel that worrying about it is almost as bad.

Get it over and done with. Have you friends who would have the kids and you return the favour? I don't know what hours your OH works but could you get a couple of hours alone somehow?

Do be honest, I wouldn't spend hours discussing it the first time. He will need time to get angry, think about it and then hopefully work with you to address it.

To my mind you aren't going to need long the first time and if you have to get back to normal for the sake of the kids then it might give him a bit of breathing space to get his head around it (go out for a long walk etc etc)

Thinking of you.

shopaholic2

Not debt free sadly, but under control. I have a Santander credit card, balance is £1011, credit limit is £1200, but I no longer have the card, sadly tho, due to my ostrich impression, I do have a ccj for my asda credit card of £3000.
My debt wasn't as big as yours....but that might be because I managed to negotiate a lower figure when offered full settlement. I owed capital one £1500, but they accepted £740, or something like.
I owed so many catalogues stupid amounts, and my mum said " where are these clothes you've bought?" I gave them away, if they didn't fit or look right!
Our situation now is that oh has a bank account in his name only, and a credit card in his name only. He lets me use the cards for shopping etc, but he trusts me now, and I wouldn't DARE spend any of HIS money without permission. Weird, because when we had a joint account, it still only had his wage going in, but I didn't seem bothered about using that money to pay my debts!

You WILL get there chicken, it's hard as hell, but it's not the end of the world, and in 12 months time you will be able to see clearly and maybe even help others.
Anytime you need a shoulder, or a hand holding, give me a shout!
Soooooo been there!

Sparkles81_2

shopaolic, can I pm you??