hidden debt and paying it back

ALIBOBSY

I definately agree about making a plan as to how to pay it back, cut up the cards and vow not to do it ever again.
At least if you have a concious plan on how to sort things it will take some of the sting out when you tell your husband.
BUT I also wanted to say nothing, no matter how angry he gets is an excuse to get violent with you or the kids.

A possible option is a separate current account and after a budget is sorted the bit for "household stuff" ie cleaning stuff/food/toiletries could go into this and you only get that card for spending on the above. Kids can and do wait for things. If they are small they need to learn sometimes the answer is no. If older you can be honest with them (well to a certain point) ie we have more bills to pay so there will be less to spend on you and you may have to start waiting for things rather than getting them straight away.
TBH you aren't doing them any favours as we all have to learn that money is limited and you have to budget, otherwise you are setting them up to go the same path. There are so many ways to give the kids joy and pleasure that buying them stuff, the best thing you can give is time.

One of the best things I have found is how the small things add up-my bill at christmas was vastly reduced by shopping around and using cash/vouchers earnt through doing surveys online.

Would you feel better writing everything down in a letter to OH? You could put everything down, you plan to sort it, the cut up cards and saying you are so sorry?

You could hand it to him and go out (to mums perhaps) and give him time to read, digest and calm back down.
But if you are really that scared of him perhaps you may be better off without him.

Sending digital hugs
Ali x

sickasachip13

Hi,

Well done for facing up to it. Let's face it, the debt is not going to go away on its own and you confessing is the start of putting in place some solutions and plans. Like the others said, get an SOA put up so people here can make some suggestions. Although, to be honest, it sounds like your money problems are more to do with out of control spending on 'stuff' than the day-today needs (rather than wants).

I guess, at some point, you really need to think about why you feel the need to spend like this.... are you bored? overcompensating the kids for some reason? low self-esteem? depressed? reckless? Because, you've been here before and your husband's reaction that time doesn't seem to have altered your patterns. Is the marriage a happy one aside from the money problems - or are these a symptom of bigger problems? Feel free to ignore these questions, they just popped into my mind when I read your post...

Anyhow, it might be worth talking to the National Debtline or CCCS before speaking to your husband so that you can tell him you're seeking help/support which will demonstrate to him that you are taking it seriously.

You will need to tell him at some point, soon probably. If I were him I'd be a damn sight angrier if I found out accidentally than if you told me. Is there a risk of him being violent? Has he been violent previously?

This can all be sorted out, it's not the end of the world and you do have options.

All the very best of luck, SAAC

tea_lover

FWIW, I would say for now you need to focus on bringing in as much money as possible. This will obviously help clear the debts faster, and will also show your husband that you're serious about sorting things out.

If the cakes aren't really profitable yet then unfortunately I think that one may have to go on the back burner for a while. At least for the time being you need to be committed to increasing your income however you can. So maybe a job with an income, and then the cakes as well could work? Could you do markets at weekends as well as working in the week?

chesky369

The first thing to clear up is : is he ever violent with you? If yes, then go to your mother's and tell him over the telephone. (I personally wouldn't go back to him in that case, but that's just me). If no, then you will just have to bite the bullet and tell him. He's going to find out at some point - probably sooner rather than later - and that will be far worse than if you tell him yourself.

When the really bad bit is over, then you have to do two things :
a) hand over control of all money matters and have him dole out spending money over to you on a weekly basis, so the spending can't ever get out of control without him knowing.
b) go to your GP and ask for therapy - maybe CBT - to get the underlying reasons sorted out.

Be brave and good luck.

downsizer3

Yes you need to tell him but first - put the SOA together to show where you can save as a family and then get yourself a job.
Its your debt - explain that YOU will pay it off but that you needed to be upfront. He then needs to take control of the household income and expenditure - you deal with the debt.
If he sees you are tackling this he won't be so angry (after the initial shock) - he bailed you out before and some of his barbed comments will be because of that. Personally I think its better to get a job - setting up on your own may mean more expenditure - you can't afford that.
I suspect your SOA will show a fair amount that can be channelled towards the debt from what you say - post it up and we can help more.

chloo

sparkles

the majority of people on mse are very helpful we are like a little community,


now plan of action

put your soa on here we can all go through and nit pick for you which may help you show hubby where you can cut spending to save money

i know this may sound silly but do you always shop in one particular supermarket? would it be possible to have a budget of say £250 which is plenty to feed a family of 4/5 for a month. any way put this £250 on a gift card and only spend this.

hun the magazines have got to stop i used to buy a few magazines a week cos i was bored. i used to spend easily £12 a WEEK on them over a month that about £50!! that is a lot of money

oh and i spend about £50-70 each month on food and have cut down spending on !!!!! i still cant quite get him to cut out the subways at lunch though!!

post a soa for now with the debts on and we can show you where to start

good luck and well done on realising there is a problem.

hun if you are worried about hubbys reaction to money are there other issues there too?

milliemonster

One of the things that has struck me about your first post is, having been through this before, albeit a smaller debt, your husband has to take some of the responsibility for your hidden debt this time, you sound so low and it really comes across that you want your husband to be proud of you and you really need his approval. I think that upon telling your husband, he needs to realise that having been through this before, he shouldn't have left all the finances to you, he should have worked with you over the last few years to budget together, as you have a modest monthly income, where did he think all the money was coming from for the £150 weekly shops and the endless magazines and stuff for the kids??? if he couldn't put two and two together then I'm sorry but he can't throw this all back at you now as if he had no idea.

So, when my honey you do pluck up the courage to tell him, if he reacts as you think he will you have to have this in your mind that you are a partnership and he must shoulder some of the responsibility, it's not a crime to admit you find it hard to budget, but moving forward he has to help you and take some of the strain off you when it comes to your finances.

secretshopper75

Just wanted to firstly give you a big hug and say well done for posting...I've been in your exact situation, racked up debts, consolidated, racked up more debts, couldn't tell husband so when we consoliated for the second time (where was my lbm lol) I didn't tell him about the full amount of debt as I thought I could handle it separately..well I couldn't and ended up in a total mess which concluded in us being on DMP...I was and still am very ashamed as to how my debts got so large, in the end for the last year it wsa interest each month and charges for not paying the min amount in full and on time that made it all blow up...I eventually realised that I couldn't continue, I was like you, running to the letter box, switching off the phone as I was in such denial that it would somehow sort itself out..how on earth I coped I don't know as I was literally at breaking point both emotionally and mentally..

I know there's no easy way to tell your husband, mine was fine, just upset that I hadn't told him sooner, again when the cards were at a reasonable amount..looking back is easy and hindsight is a wonderful tool....I did my homework first and sorted everything out with the CCCS so when I did drop the bombshell I could also explain how we could sort it out..

I wish I could do more to help you, if you want a chat PM me x

Sparkles81_2

thank you all so much....Im close to tears with your postive approach.

Firstly let me please clear one thing up. My husband is not violent, he would never ever hit anyone. But he can get very very angry he is a hell of a lot better than he use be, since moving to a less stressful job. He doesnt cope very well with shock and that is what triggers the anger. I am about to drop a huge shock.

I am scared he will leave me, despite his faults he can be very hard work, I do love so much, he is a lovely man and everyone says so.

I think until I tell him, I cant decide what to do about the cake business. He is very for it at the moment but assuming he still wants to be with me, I think its a decision we will need to make together.

Relationship problems, dont all couples have them. But I think one of our biggest problems, is that we dont do anything together, in running the house. He has always left it me and I cant do it, obviously. I feel terrible that now all this worry is going to be on his shoulders. When I say I want to hand over all responsbility of money to him, I do but I also want to work together in finding cheaper solutions, starting with doing the food shop together etc etc. I think by doing this, will actually make us a better couple.

My biggest problem at the moment is telling him. I am trying to be strong, I am not going to be a wimp about this, I fully intend to do something about getting more money, ideal solution would be getting a part time job and doing the cakes. Just hope the job market picks where we are. It has to be local as we only have one car.

I have made a huge mistake in my life, I am going to fix this, but I do need help and support in doing so.

Someone mentioned that my kids need to learn that money needs to budget, you so right about this. My son who is 7 is already showing signs of a money problem, he is always asking for next weeks pocket money, and say that okay mum I will pay you back. My daughter is like her dad, a saver. I need to do this for my son, as well as my husband and as well as myself.

I will doing the SOA tomorrow and posting.

I might have done wrong, but I intend to hold my head high and admit it and put it right. I am not going to be beaten down over this. I am going to be a success story on this forum. I know its not going to be easy but I am ready for it.

Thank you all so much again....I really need all your support.

olivia84

ok - so most people think you should do the 'right' thing and confess all to your husband. i know virtually no one will agree with me but if you really really don't want to tell him then i think you should consider it. i know, i know, deep down it would be great if you could tell him it all and it would all be ok and although that happened before, he did still hit the roof initially so it's no surprise that you are reluctant to tell him again. obviously if any of the debt is in his name then it would be wrong to keep it from him, however, if it is all in your own name then personally, i would say that it's your debt and your problem.

i really don't mean to confuse the issue and give you another side of the argument when there have been many other great answers advising you to go the other way and you may already have made your mind up and decided to tell your husband everything - but if you ultimately decide not to tell him then you have your reasons.

if i were in your position (and ALL the debt was mine and not in any way joint names) then i would try to come to an arrangement with all my creditors to freeze interest and make offers of payment (there is ALOT of info on this site on how to do this) your credit rating will be seriously affected so you wouldn't be able to get further credit which can only be a good thing.

the next thing you would need to so would be to focus on why you spend the way you do and work out how you can efficiently run your home/budget/finances and still have a little each month to contribute towards your debts (maybe your £100 per month part-time earnings?)

sorry for maybe throwing a spanner in the works but although it would be best for you to own up to everything and for your husband to support you and help get everything back on track, all i'm saying is if you decide not to tell him in the end then you have your reasons and you need a plan of action for that as well.

just remember, as someone said above - there isn't a financial problem that can't be worked out.

xx