hidden debt and paying it back

antonic

I am single and 45 now, but when I realised back in Aug 2005 that I needed to do something about my debts rather than depending on handouts from my dad (who was getting sick of me asking for money) I did (I do work fulltime btw).

I set up my DMP with Payplan and told him, his response was "Well done son I am proud of you for recognising what needs to be done".

I have now been on a DMP for 73 months and have 11 months to go, and I still get the occasional handout from him, but the main thing was to tell him.

So if I was you I would tell him and then deal with the fallout, if you dont tell him and he finds out the consequences will be even worse.

Just my 2p worth.

Wellyboots6

I agree with what milliemonster says, your husband should share some responsibility for this debt, although when you speak to him initially it is probably best not to say this!
If he is as careful with money as you say, then surely he must have noticed that you are living beyond your means?
It may be worth, along with the soa and a plan, keeping a spending diary for a week and showing this to him too when you talk. That way you are being totally open and honest about where the money is going, and may help him see that this could be something that could have been spotted a lot sooner.
I would also talk to your GP too as other posters have said. Maybe do this before you speak to him too, and add anything the GP suggests on to your 'action plan' to show him.
There is always the chance that he has seen this coming, but is waiting for you to tell him?

[Deleted User]

Hi sparkles glad I found your thread, I am in the same situation, I had a debt a few years ago and my hubby found out when we remortgaged, he went mad , but we got through it, I was silly and started with credit cards again and now have a secret debt of 27k, :eek: I cannot tell him, I am trying to sort it out myself I know it will take years, I do not work, my hubby brings in a good wage, and lets me have around £400 cash a month, for shopping, I am in charge of banking , he never really worrys about what is left in the bank so long as we can pay bills, rent, and have a few breaks a year, I am left to sort it out. I am buying bits and bobs from charity shops and bootsales to sell on, and also find bits to keep for presents, buy my clothes from boot sales and charity shops,I do surveys for a bit extra, get all the freebies I can, I am buying reduced food.Batch Cooking,Making and selling jewellery, allsorts really, I am struggling through, I will sort it my own way, telling my hubby is not an option, I am gonna work my butt of and sort it, it is not impossible, just major cutbacks.

I will keep reading this thread and let you know what I am doing each day, so it will hopefully give you a few ideas, you are not alone:)

Kwaker_Knacker

Well done for coming here and admitting there's a problem.

As has been said, your OH needs to be told no matter what the reaction. As you've said, he's not violent, so just get ready for lots of shouting and more harsh words.

My OH has been in a similar situation to you in the past. Was in debt when we met, both myself and her parents bailed her out, then just last year she'd ran up debt that I didn't know about with no way of paying it off. I only found out when she tried to organize an £80 payday loan to pay a payment, but got it paid into our joint account. Then the truth came out. I went barmy. Plenty of shouting and questioning if she had rocks in her head, but after 15 or so minutes, I realized that I had to take charge of the situation and get things sorted out.

Hopefully your husband will have his rant off, then take the bull by the horns and work something out.

Good luck to you both.

K_K.

Vikipollard

OP, I was exactly the same as you.

I had to 'fess up to my OH. This was at the point that I was out of options, so no choice involved. My debt was c. £20k (one CC, one loan, one store card). And it was the second time I'd done it too(£9k first go.) I had already sourced my debt solution; an IVA. I am now in the final year of that IVA.

I will tell you that my OH yelled and was morbidly angry. He laughed (without mirth) then screamed at me. At that point he said, that was it, we were done. Having supported me the first time, to do it again was me taking the !!ss out of him. This conversation took place at lunchtime, and I drove (somehow) back to work with my phone switched off. Sometime during the afternoon I put it back on, and he'd left me a message asking me to call him, which I did.

The way we worked it through was that my wages were paid in to his bank account, and a standing order set up for just enough for our food shop, petrol, water rates, sky and the IVA into our joint account. For anything else, I had to ask for money, including for clothes. By becoming money-savvy, I now save 20% of this amount per month.

This has been a painful five years, but now I am the saver, and he depends on me to manage our savings. I've learnt to question whether I need something, or is it just want. In February, my wages return to my account as he is confident I am responsible enough (as well as restrained by the IVA).

Get the credit card statement, the letters etc, and as others have said, sit down with your partner. You both need to know the scale of the debt to determine what remedy there needs to be. Our resolution may seem draconian, but it was the only way for us to stay together.

I had already set the ball rolling for the IVA before I told him ~ I dont know if that helped at the time, but it was a moot point. If nothing else (besides b*ggering up my ability to get credit), I knew I had no other way out.

I am in no doubt that if I ever even look at a credit card again, there will be no more marriage.

The very best of luck, stay as calm as you can and try to be objective. xx

ben-dover

Have some of you heard what you're saying? People jumping to conclusions about her OH, saying he's part to blame etc,

Lets be honest even if you're the nicest person in the word if your better half told you they had 20k of debt you would also hit the roof, I know I would. You NEED to tell him as simple as that and suffer what ever consequences it brings. I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship so I can't speculate what he'll do. The only thing I'll say is that it will be ten times worse if he finds out on his own.

good luck.

Sparkles81_2

Hello everyone,

Well I have just done the SOA, posted it on a separate thread.

He is really going to hit the roof, cant blame him, I have £25,000 of hidden debt. We cant even afford the monthly repayments for all it. Even with a bit of shuffling. Looks like it will have be a DMP....just off to input all the details on CCCS.

I am thinking I just need to tell him....he is going to hit the roof, dont blame him....no matter when I do it isnt going to be pretty. I think when I have done it, its done.......whatever happens next I only have myself to blame.

(

olivia84

good luck sparkles - it'll be a weight off your mind when you've done it x

vasseur

katy721 wrote: »

I agree with what milliemonster says, your husband should share some responsibility for this debt, /QUOTE]

Are you mad? He's already bailed her out once. If I was the main earner and had bailed my OH out already only for them to rack up more debt I would be absolutely livid too.

I think we need less of the 'there, there, poor you' and hugs and more comments about how this is a hard lesson sharply learnt.

I think he has been guilty of leaving everything up to the OP when she clearly isn't equipped to deal with it. I agree he should take more responsibility in the finances, after all he is the one bringing the money in - maybe take over everything for the time being until the OP finds her feet again.

Vikipollard makes some great points and her experience proves that things can be worked out.

OP - well done for posting on here. You'll soon find that it actually becomes quite addictive saving money wherever you can but you will have to tell your husband first because I can't see this working if he's kept in the dark any longer.

Good luck.

drwho2011

Sparkles81 wrote: »

Hello everyone,

Well I have just done the SOA, posted it on a separate thread.

He is really going to hit the roof, cant blame him, I have £25,000 of hidden debt. We cant even afford the monthly repayments for all it. Even with a bit of shuffling. Looks like it will have be a DMP....just off to input all the details on CCCS.

I am thinking I just need to tell him....he is going to hit the roof, dont blame him....no matter when I do it isnt going to be pretty. I think when I have done it, its done.......whatever happens next I only have myself to blame.

(

Don't get too hung up on feeling guilty.

End of the day like most problems it can be solved but its best to work together because you'll keep struggling on your own.

I used to be like your husband and left my wife alone when it came to generic household spending (I have always dealt with the priority bills) mostly because I felt that she needed freedom whilst I was the main earner but after finding out about her hidden debt (again) I've had to take charge.

My advice is this, stop using cash if you can because its harder to track your spending, have a set budget that will cover household shopping and do this online that way its easier to monitor what your spending and how much plus you are less likely to be enticed by things you see on shelves.

Cut up your cards, work out the most effective way of paying them off.

I would suggest you put your plans for cakes on hold for the moment and try and get full or part time job, every part of your excess income throw into debt repayments and try and clear them one by one and once done cancel them.

If you have a plan of how you will repay and how long then it will probably go smoother when you tell him.