hidden debt and paying it back

Sparkles81_2

Hello DFW's

I really dont know where to start. I am been searching the forum looking for a thread similar to my problems, whilst there are some, none with a debt as big as mine.

The short story is that my husband believes we are in about £14,000 debt approx, this is made up of a credit card and 1 unsecured loan. We can pay both every month with no problems and despite this debt being large we are managing okay. However, I have hidden debt...which he knows nothing about. It is for around £20,000, to scared at the moment actually write it all down and worked out an exact figure.

I have built this debt up over about 4 years. The worse thing is, this is the second time I have done it. The first time, it was only (only I say) for about £8,000. This was 5 years ago. My husband went mad, he was so angry, for which I didnt blame him. However, once he calmed down he was very proactive and sorted it. The unsecured loan, which we have about 18 months left to pay off (I think) is the remaiins of my hidden the 1st time.

Why I have done it all over again. Well I basically I overspend, if the kids need something I get it, I just cant seem to stop and think can they wait a bit. I walk into our little market town, and £20.00 will be spent in 10 mins, on what, couple of magazines, something from the bakers, buying a loaf of bread. Do this 5 times a week, thats £100 gone, then theres the odd ebay purchases, amazon purchases all online and before you know another £100 gone. Then I look out our bank account and think o god we have not enough left for the month. I know I buy the food shop on a credit card. But do I budget with that food shop, do I heck, easily spend £130 to £150 a week in the supermarket, and then chuck half of it out in a weeks time. So then I used up the limit one credit card, and got another, then another, then I couldnt afford the repayments and so starting using the credit cards to rob peter to pay paul. Peter is now running out of money to pay Paul. I the realisiation of what I am doing/done, has hit me like a brick wall.

Why, did I not tell my husband sooner, well I am so scared of him when it comes to money. He has such a big hang up over it. He grew up with no money, his mum always purchased on the "never the never" as it was then called and he vowed never to be like that in his life. Then he met me. When he met me I was up to my eyeballs in debt, and in the last 10 years, it has never changed. He gets so angry when it comes to money. I remember once when we were about £800 overdrawn, he went mad, so nasty, so hurtful he said he couldnt help himself as he hates being debt and when he calms down and sees this rationally he is okay and keen to seek a solution. When I did this the first time, he went mad he was trembling....but he went out and came back and was rational and calm and keen to sort it. At the time he made me promise to tell him if things were getting out of control again, he said I would rather know when its a couple of hundred pounds than at £20,000. But I havent been able to tell him, I suppose in an odd way, I have wanted to please him and prove to him I could manage our bank account without going overdrawn, hence why I would turn to credit cards to stop us getting overdrawn.

The ironic thing is, my husband is great with money, he follows the rules, switching to 0% deals. He himself hardly spends any money, he is very good at budgeting. But he foolishly leaves all the money handling to me. Yes we do have a credit card debt of about £8,500. But we know what we spent that money on, chasing a dream to move to Oz, wont go into that in detail.

So here I am, I done it all over again, but this time much much worse. To me money is a like a drug, I cant stop spending it. Can only describe it as being an alcholic I promise to give up drinking in my case spending, but I fall of the wagon so quickly without much temptation. I want to stop I really do but so scared of the what my husband is going to do when he finds out. I do fear he will leave me well wont physcially leave as he has no where to go, we have no family near us. But knowing his temper, he could will turn nasty, not in the physcial sense but mentally, and I am worried how this will effect our children, he will not hold back not even in front of the kids.

I know you all going to say I have got to tell him, this I know...but I am really scared. I have thought of getting my mum up to stay with us and telling him with her here, that way he wont get so nasty but I feel its unfair to drag her into my mess, plus she has had enough to cope with recently.

I just dont know what to do.....I am just so scared actually thinking about I am scared of my husband more than the debt.

I feel ready to confront my problems head on, I want to find the fastest possible solution to this and I want to be debt free and work to having a bit of a rainy day fund. I am completely prepared to hand all money handling over to my husband, he can deal with it all, I have no problem not having a bank card, and I no problem asking him for money, even 50p to get a newspaper, none of this bothers me, he can do the food shop each week, as long as the children get what they need and dont suffer because of this, I really dont care what I have or dont have. I really honestly want to sort this out but my fear of what my husband will do is stopping me.

Thanks for reading.

bravobeastie

Hi, didn't want to read and run but there will be some people along shortly who will be able to give you some wonderful advice. Could you perhaps start by posting an SOA?

Jess23x

Hi I didn't want to read this and not post I am in no way an expert but know how u feel I only hid 1,000 but felt awful. Could you post the debt and who it is with on here and an SOA so someone can help you

CompBunny

I'm afraid I'm not an expert on these matters, but I just wanted to say that I think you are brave for posting:T. Confronting the reality of this debt is your first step to freedom, I'm sure it seems HUGE but as Martin Lewis always says he has never seen a financial situation that can't be solved! There is lots of help out there if you access it! CCCS might be a good start...but you need to talk to your husband! You can't do this alone, "For richer for poorer".. Hopefully someone will be along soon with more help x

http://www.cccs.co.uk/ - they are a charity, who seem to help loads of people on here for FREE

BlushingRose

It worries me that you are so scared of your husband.

pukkamum

Oh love i really feel your pain, you have clearly got in over your head and you know that you have no choice but to confess to your husband.

You need to do this now whilst you are in a 'confessing mood' leave it any longer and i fear you will continue to rack up debts in order to avoid telling him and the very last thing you want is for the first he knows about it to be when the bailiffs are knocking on the door.

I get the feeling you are more scared of disappointing your husband than fearful of his reaction, at the end of the day yes he probably will hit the roof and he probably will say some nasty hurtful things, i don't think many of us wouldn't in that situation especially as you have done this before.

I will say to get the children out of the house when you do it, you know how he will react and you really do not want the children seeing it.

Write everything down, in the heat of telling him you will forget things etc.
Before you tell him do a SOA (statement of accounts) on here someone will be able to help you see where you can make cuts etc and if you can show him that you are taking serious steps to solve it, he may not react quite so badly.
Tell him everything you have said here about him taking control of the finances etc.

I am not sure how scared you are of him, if it is true fear and just the fear of upsetting him and him shouting then you should consider doing it in public where he cannot hurt you (but i really would not recommend this unless you fear for your safety).
Accept that he is going to hit the roof.

kazwookie

Cut up the credit cards.

And do as others have said, tell him.

debtfreewannabe321

I agree fill in a SOA, your best bet may be a DMP but then that will cause defaults and trash your credit file, and it sounds like your husband probably has good credit if he's careful with money.

I think you will have to tell him at some point. I also think it's probably safer if he has access to the main accounts from now on and gives you money for housekeeping & spending money. Either into a seperate bank or in cash. I find it much harder to spend cash than plastic. I think if you kept a spend diary for a week or so you may shock yourself into going cold turkey! And perhaps find yourself a free hobby!?

My husband went mad when he realised the extent of our debt (bout 17k) but he quickly went into 'pay it off mode' and we are on a dmp now. Good luck xx

somethingcorporate

The children will no doubt suffer to a certain extent, you have been providing them a lifestyle which you cannot afford to maintain.

Just be honest with your husband, there would be no way you could or should siphon off the money you will need to cover the debts. If you have done this before do be prepared for his reaction to be drastic, given the old Chinese proverb about how many times you are the fool.

Good luck.

Katiec950

Hi

Firstly, well done for posting. It's always difficult to admit to debt even on a forum where no one knows you!

You know (and everyone has said) that you need to tell your husband. You are right he will be angry but in all honestly I think you know that the anger will be justified, as long as you believe the anger will not be physical then I think that you have no option but to deal with it I'm afraid. We would all be angry in that situation.

Before telling him I would do a few things:
- Print off what you have written (minus the being scared of him parts) and let him read what you have to say. Sometimes telling people in a letter can explain everything a bit easier
- Try to come up with a 'plan' that will show him that you want to sort this. Do you have a job? Can you work additional hours/ get a part time post somewhere? Sell things?
- Ask him to cope with all financial responsibility in the family in future until things are under control again

The last thing I would say is please get some help for yourself. From the tone of your message and the no specific reason for spending you actually sound depressed. You need to understand why you feel like this and why you spend to try to make yourself feel better.

I wish you luck and strength
xxx

Sparkles81_2

Thank you all for your replies. I am scared of his reaction. Really scared. But I am telling myself this is my own doing and it cannot go on, no matter how messy it gets. He credit rating should be good. I know he wont want to go an DMP he will want to sort it himself. Which if we can would be great, the best outcome would be for us to work together to clear this asap. I am prepared to put the hardwork, I just desperately need his help and support to do this.

Unfortunately, I dont work well I have part time job that pays £100 per month and I been relunctant to get a job incase I he gets the post before me...how blood stupid is that. My light bulb is really lighting up....thank god.

I want to get myself straight before telling him. I am going to do an SOA and post on here, going to sort out all the paperwork for him etc etc. I am also going print this thread off, as it goes someway to explaining what I have done. Im thinking of telling him Friday night when the kids go to bed. Hopefully by Saturday he will have calmed down and it will not cause too much distruption to the kids.

By other dilemma is that I am in the process of starting to work for myself selling cakes. I have quite a few enquires and hope to supply to local cafes and I am also thinking of doing a market stall at the local markets. Do you think I would be crazy to continue this, would getting a "proper" job by that I mean a job with a regular income be better. If I could get something part time to fit around the kids without childcare and still do the market stalls, that would be perfect but wondering if I should just forget the cake idea. Would be a shame, because the response has so far been very positive.

Thanks again. All your advice and support is greatly needed and appreciated.