What would you think?

an9i77

Hi - what's he usually like, is he usually trustworthy? If so, I'd be tempted to let this one slide, but be watchful for any strange behaviour in future. There's a fine line between intuition and paranoia, if you let this eat away at you it will ruin the trust in the relationship and create a distance between you. I think you either make the decision to trust him, and try to forget about it (but still be aware of his behaviour in future) or you confront him (maybe using the 'lost phone' technique already described) and bring it out into the open, because I don't think you can continue feeling like there's something going on but not doing anything about it. There's always a risk in trusting someone particularly if you've been hurt before. But someone wiser than me once said, your heart has to be open enough that it could be broken. So unless you have specific grounds to mis trust him (and you know him better than me!) then perhaps give him the benefit of the doubt this time.

Tropez

brokenlily wrote: »

A family friend also said something mean to me over the weekend about my relationships not lasting and how I can't hold on to men and I think that's mostly what set me off on this track

How much truth is in that statement though?

Without wishing to be overly harsh, you're doing your best to ruin the relationship you're in right now. Somebody who you described as "attentive, loving and honest" doesn't respond to a text message and you immediately begin to suspect something is amiss and then go looking through his phone for evidence. The only evidence you do have is that while he was waiting for a taxi he decided to give an ex a call while he was most likely intoxicated. He could have been calling her by accident, he could have been calling her to give her some grief, he could be calling her for a number of reasons and you've now set yourself all a panic because of what this might mean.

So here's the thing - if you don't confront him about this your relationship will probably be over because you'll just keep obsessing over it... if it only takes not answering a text to start making you believe that something's wrong then clearly this is going to stay with you for a long time. Of course, when you do confront him, it might spell the end of your relationship anyway because you've violated his privacy by going through his phone but perhaps he'll try and put your mind at rest.

All these silly games about borrowing his phone then "finding" the call and whatever else are childish and more akin to relationships from high school.

B4budget

If you've a history of anxiety, you really need someone you can share those niggles with otherwise you will bottle things up and feel worse. Fess up and tell him you were in the wrong and checked his phone. Dont have a go at him, just say it hurt our feelings and worried you and you'd like some peace of mind. If he wants it to work enough , he may be annoyed/ disappointed but he will reassure you and it will bring you closer.The alternative is he'll make a big thing of you not trusting him and you'll know he is a bit of a knob and get rid. (just my opinion obviously I don't know either of you!) good luck. I used to get chronically worried in relationships until i met my husband. Turns out 1) I needed more confidence in myself and 2) I hadn't met the right person before him and was always trying to be a better girlfriend rather than myself.

brokenlily

loracan1 wrote: »

What's he like with his phone in general? Does he keep it by him or in a pocket or does he put it down anywhere and leave it? Is he protective about it? If not and it's just this weekend when he's not been able to either hold his drink and made an ill-judged phonecall that hasn't even been answered I don't think there's much to worry about.

He is not usually protective about his phone at all.

@Tropez - I probably have overreacted, because of what that person said to me. I do have trust issues, not just from my ex but from other things too, my mum used to have affairs and then dated a string of married men, and I believed that a) monogamy was not possible and b) all men get bored with their partners and go looking elsewhere. Maybe that hasn't really left me.

BF has also cheated on a couple of his previous girlfriends. And, before we got together properly (still in the "seeing each other" phase) he did sleep with someone else, while I was away. But at that time, we were not in a committed relationship. I stopped seeing him for a bit after that, but he remained very adamant that he wanted a proper committed relationship with me, and that the other person had been a one night drunken mistake. I didn't want to enter into another situation where the boundaries were unclear, so I said either it's a relationship or nothing at all, nothing in between, and we got together properly.

I have generally not been at all jealous or paranoid despite the dodgy history as nobody's perfect and I certainly am not. I agreed to a clean slate when we started a proper relationship, and that's what has happened - I had been on a few dates during that time (though I hadn't slept with anyone else) so once BF and I were together properly, I stopped seeing anyone else. He has given me no reason not to trust him since then, but maybe what happened before still floats in the back of my mind.

dominos

brokenlily-
Yikes.
I have followed this thread as it totally rings a bell with my current situation.

What worries me, in both of our situations, is the lack of contact/ keeping in touch
ie different behaviour from what is normal.
Even when !!!!ed/ massively hungover (where we have all been), we can answer the phone or text, especially with our OH's.


I too am struggling with knowing my long standing insecurities (which have been pretty much lying dormant with my BF) and worry that my own anxiety may be a problem now. At the same time, I had niggling worries, have lowered myself to checking BF phone and found a few text messages. Nothing too incriminating, but enough for me to feel justified in worrying. Suspicion though, has no place in a relationship.

I don't want to project my situation on yours, but perhaps a bit of open-ness with your BF is needed.
That could be that you initiate a conversation about your relationship about where things are headed, to re-affirm/confirm that you both want to be together and that you want the same things? A general declaration of wanting to be together might be enough to calm your mind.
Or you bring about a situation, as previously suggested, so that you "come across" his call history? Confront things that way without having to admit your suspicions.
Or you could do as I did- confessed that I checked his phone, he denies anything of a guilty nature, I'm still none the wiser/happier, and both of us are wary about his phone now.

Don't really have advice but share your pain.
Sending hugs x

FBaby

OP, I can totally relate to how you feel. Like you, I am not a mistrusting person by nature, but I have learnt through people who supposedly loved me, yet did betray my trust, to be 'careful'. I wouldn't go and spy on my partner, at the same time, if anything comes up that doesn't sound right, I will be on high alert...

I too found myself in similar grey situations, where I can't say that partner has been up to no good, but at the same time, can't totally ignore something happening. In each circumstances, it has amounted to nothing. It leaves me quite puzzled as in the past, I've always belived the saying that there is no smoke without fire.

What I have learnt to be the best move is to give it time whilst keeping your eyes opened. Don't question him, don't become needy of reassurance, don't start questioning his trust, just pay maybe a bit more attention to some things you wouldn't otherwise. In the end, if you are keeping your eyes opened, it is not that hard to catch a cheat. Do watch how he behaves around his phone, this is the key part. If he is still happy to leave it lying around, he is clearly comfortable that he isn't expecting any unwarranted calls. Does he seem distracted, does he cancel your time together with stupid excuses, does he suddenly see his friends more often etc...

In the end, maybe he called his ex because his mates started talking about her and it made him think, and drunk, suddenly on his own in the cab, he became curious hearing her voice and as you say, maybe he doesn't even remember calling her. As an event on his own, it is concerning enough to keep alert, but not enough to challenge him full blown or start acting like a mad stalker.

tea_lover

There could be innocent explanations for this. I once (v, v drunkenly!) called an ex to demand a CD back. I'd heard a song in the pub that reminded me he still had it and it seemed like a good idea to call right that minute.

Just to make this even more shameful, this was in the days before mobiles so I called his house at 3am and drunkenly slurred down the phone at his mum! Oh the shame....

Not necessarily helpful I know! But just wanted to say that there can be various reasons for calling an ex, not all of them 'naughty'.... although all of them probably quite stupid.

QuackQuackOops

If you go poking your nose in other peoples phones and worrying about stuff rather than asking outright whats worrying you, then it might seem likely that you arent quite ready for a grown up relationship. Trust is number ONE!

redsquarelady

Could he have been calling her for someone else.. a mutual friend or something? Just a thought.

FBaby

A similar thing happened to me recently. Unbeknown to anyone, we found out that the new friend my DD has made starting at a new school was my partner ex girlfriend DD!! They'd been together 18 months about 3 years before we met. I knew she lived locally, but they had not been in contact at all, except occasionally running into each other at the gym. He has never given me any reason to be worried about her. Anyway, my DD and her DD became closer friends and one week-end, we picked her up to take her to the cinema. A few days later, he tells me in the middle of a conversation that he had run into his ex as he was having breakfast with customers and she happened to be there having breakfast too. He said that he was going to ignore her, but she came to him and they just had a brisk conversation about the girls. When I asked him what else they talked about, he didn't reply. I didn't think much of it, just thought the coincidence a bit strange, but I do trust him and he has never given me reason to doubt he would do anything, let alone with her.

....however, strangely, a couple of days after that, I noticed that he seemed much more protective of his mobile phone than he normally was (always lying around everywhere in my full view and use if I so wanted!). I also noticed that he seemed a bit distracted. I questioned him about that part, he denied being so. I started keeping a closer eye on the phone, and sure enough, his phone remained in his back pocket all week-end. In came the plan to try to get to it.... I didn't manage it until the Tuesday and found nothing there at all. Over the week-end, I became quite anxious when he told me that he needed to go to his mum quickly to give her something even though we had seen her the night before and he could have given it to her then. I had to know, so I did drive to his mum.... to find his car there... I did throw some hints during that time, asking him for reassurance that he would never do anything to hurt me, which he replied with puzzlement that of course he wouldnt... a few days later, the phone started reappearing in full view again... After all this, I concluded that she had contacted him, that maybe he had replied, but that when it got to her asking him to meet up, he started to panic and I decided to leave it to that. A few weeks later, as we were in the middle of a relevant conversation, I asked him lightly in a jokey way if she'd been in contact with him since he'd been overly protecting of his phone at that time (which got the 'was I?'), and he seemed surprised, said that he assured me that she hadn't, and if she had, he would certainly have told me, although that might have meant me going there to have a word with her! It was left there.... I'll never really know. On one hand, I am surprised he could have been so straight-faced telling these words because I believe he is not a good emotional liar and would have expected him to show signs if he'd been lying, on the other hand, I can't erase the fact about the phone (it wasn't just at home, we went to work out, he put his phone in his jacket next to us, but as he went to the machines, he actually bothered to take the phone from the pocket with him.....).

In any case, I had to move on. He has shown no signs whatsoever that anything has been going on, or still is. I keep my eyes open for anything amiss, but I don't spy on him. You might want to confront him and ask him about the calls, but really, the falling out in the trust comes from him, because he should have told you about calling his ex when you asked him if anything happened, even if it was to tell you that he'd heard a song reminding him of her and he called to ask the CD back That would have been honesty on his part and you would then have moved on. If you confront him, he will either come up with a plausible story and you might feel a bit more reassured, but still unsure for him not telling you in the first place, or he might come up with a stupid excuse, or worse denial, mixed with anger, and you will not only not get any reassurance, but you might feel even more confused afterwards.