What would you think?

brokenlily

I went away for the weekend just gone.

My BF spent the weekend getting hammered with his mates. I don't usually worry about him going out and stuff, and I trust him pretty well. But on Sunday, he didn't text me all day, and usually, he is quite chatty. I sent him a text saying I was coming home tomorrow, shall I come round etc, and he didn't reply - possibly he was busy, or didn't have his phone with him, it was just unlike him.

I got, for some odd reason, a really strong feeling that something had happened. I do suffer from anxiety anyway, but I haven't had reason not to trust my BF before. He's always attentive, loving, and honest.

I told him about how I felt when I got back and he told me not to be daft, he wasn't going out on the pull and he wasn't looking for anything else, and nothing had happened. But curiosity got the better of me, and I know I shouldn't have but I looked at his phone. At 2:05am on the Saturday night he had called a taxi and 5 mins later called an ex of his, on two different numbers. This was odd in the extreme as it's an ex that he hasn't had any contact with for over 2 years, and I'm sure he told me she had moved away.

There was nothing but these two calls, no text messages or anything between them, and although he doesn't know I know this, he swears to me that nothing happened that weekend. Maybe there's nothing in it - I suppose we've all "drunk and dialled" at some point in our lives, it didn't look like she answered either of the calls, so I'm thinking that he didn't meet up with her, but why call her....and calling the two numbers he had for her, looked like he didn't know which number she was using. It's also possible that he was wasted and doesn't remember calling her. He's out at the pub with his friend again tonight and I feel uneasy though, because calling your ex at 2am when your girlfriend is away and you're drunk is just not a very good thing to do. His behaviour is no different, and he's very bad at hiding things, I think he would not be able to help acting differently if he had done something. I just don't know whether to confront him or not, because I know how angry and disappointed he would be if he knew I'd looked at his phone.

ska_lover

Hey Lily

I think you realise that not much could have happened-but the intention MAY have been there. Maybe he was too brahms and list to realise wht he was doing, and if she didnt answer, then all is good.

I would, however, if it was me, wonder why my boyfriend had such an old ex's number on his phone. If they hadn't spoke for two years, they are hardly friends.

If it were me, i wouldnt confront him on this occasion, because as you say, he will know you have looked at his phone and may be more guarded with it being left laying around in future.

savingmummy

Only he knows why and what he did so you either ask him again and takes his reply as the truth, OR you tell him you have seen the calls and want an explanation.

Trust is very important and unfortunately you don`t trust him, and he will feel the same when he knows you`ve `checked` his phone.

Errata

Stupid drunk bloke tries to make stupid drunk phone calls. That's about it, really. Personally I'd be more concerned that I was hooked up with a stupid bloke who can't handle his drink, but there you go.

brokenlily

Errata wrote: »

Stupid drunk bloke tries to make stupid drunk phone calls. That's about it, really. Personally I'd be more concerned that I was hooked up with a stupid bloke who can't handle his drink, but there you go.

He does get in a state sometimes while drinking, and do silly things, but usually they don't involve other women.

I did not have any reason not to trust him at all up to this weekend. It was a strange feeling I had whilst away that all was not well. I had fully expected to pick up his phone, find nothing, think "you paranoid idiot" and put the whole thing to rest. But I found those calls, and it looks for all the world like he got in a taxi and tried to call someone with the intention of going to see them or something like that. He never talks about her - what I know of her is that she cheated on him with her ex, who she ultimately went back to, and moved away to be with. So why on earth he would call her I don't know.

It has shaken my trust in him that's for sure. I just know that if I 'fess up to looking, it will cause an argument, and he will turn it back on me, and it is likely to make him more secretive in future, so I don't think I can say anything. Like I said, I'm an anxious person anyway, I've been on anxiety meds in the past, but I also do have trust issues from previous relationships. My experience says that men will usually do what they want despite the consequences, and then try and cover it up later my last ex was not a cheater, but he lied about financial stuff, the extent of his debts and lied about giving money to his ex-wife. The ex before that was always accusing me of cheating but was doing it himself, and my ex at uni cheated on me while pregnant and going through an abortion. My current BF didn't seem to be like the others, and I thought it would be different, but maybe not

minnie123

I'm not saying he has done anything but I do think you should trust your instincts. How do you know she didn't answer the phone? He may have deleted texts but forgot to delete the call history. I would def do some more investigating :-(

Derivative

There's even the possibility he was ringing to say how great his life is now and how he's glad he got rid.

Has happened to a few mates of mine.

brokenlily

minnie123 wrote: »

I'm not saying he has done anything but I do think you should trust your instincts. How do you know she didn't answer the phone? He may have deleted texts but forgot to delete the call history. I would def do some more investigating :-(

There was no call duration displayed - it only showed as a dialled number, whereas other numbers he had called had a time next to them showing how long the call lasted. It was also weird that he called both numbers he had for her - would suggest he didn't know which number to use. She may not be using either number these days. The worrying thing for me is that he thought to call an ex girlfriend whilst in that state of inebriation, but then EdgEy's comment could have something in it as well maybe....could be something very different to what I am worried about. He has said very little to me about her, and none of what he said was good.

Errata

worrying thing for me is that he thought

He thought? I doubt he was capable of any kind of thought that made any kind of sense to him or anyone else. If he was hammered and got through to his ex she probably told him to eff off and put the phone down.

MrsManda

I kinda see where you're coming from as when I first got together with my OH I got upset quite easily when I thought something may be going on. Looking back I was just paranoid and insecure because I couldn't quite see why he was going out with me.

I slowly got over it by talking to my OH about my (mostly irrational) paranoia and haven't had trust issues since. I think you may have made things worse for yourself by checking his phone without his knowledge as it's likely to cause you to dwell on it more.
As I only got through my worries by talking them through I suggest explaining exactly what your worries are/were and thus why you checked his phone and that you're sorry you breached his trust but you were anxious.

But I don't know you or your relationship so you do need to use your judgement and instincts, have you spoken to any friends to get an opinion of someone who knows you both?

I agree with EdgEy and Erata that drunk people do stupid things and make phone calls without any thought.

As for having his ex's number in his phone I've probably got phone numbers for all my exs (though I doubt most of them are upto date) in my phone because I never clear it out- got numbers for all sorts of people I haven't heard from for years. I'm sure my OH has too. So I don't see it as something to worry about.

C_Mababejive

Its really simple..if you dont trust someone then cut them out of your life and move on.

If it isnt this time,there will be another.

You are either totally at ease with someone or your not.

I am not sure there is anything good about going out and getting totally "hammered" anyway.

He must have limited scope.