Birthdays

Amandaj32

I hope this doesn't sound too grumpy but I'm starting to get a little fed up with other people and birthdays.

I only have one child but I seem to spend a fortune on other families. One particular friend has three children. At Christmas I spent a lot of money and time and effort buying for the three and she didn't even say thank you. My son's birthday was last week and there was no mention of it, only a Happy Birthday on facebook. Her youngest son's birthday is next week - I would never spite a child but it seems very unfair. Needless to say - birthday card and present have already been bought.

Another friend always seems to forget my birthday and this year has forgotten my son's birthday apart from a text message.

I love birthdays and would like to keep remembering them but I feel like I want to say something!

Emmzi

maybe other people can't afford gifts and in fact are embarrassed by them? I think cards are fine!

balletshoes

but if you feel resentful because you buy for your friends children and they don't for yours, whats the point?

either keep sending pressies because thats what you want to do, or stop sending to those friends who don't send to you/yours. I don't think theres much point trying to guilt someone into sending your son a card/pressie if they don't choose to do so from their own free will.

Gigglepig

If these people are friends and not close family, why not drop the present buying? There is no rule saying one must do cards and presents. Clearly they don't seem as keen on birthdays, cards and present buying as you do....

Perhaps it is time for a chat with your friend regarding what you both seem reasonable - if they aren't present/card buyers I'd simply try to agree with them that from now on you will both only do greetings - that way nobody gets disappointed.

msb5262

Hi OP,

A different perspective...

I have three children and fairly early on, we dropped present buying for other people's children - obviously if you are going to a party or going to stay or the children are in the "best friends" category, then buy a present - but otherwise it's a card, if I manage to remember.

It probably sounds heartless but it just makes sense on a practical level.

For example, when I first knew my dear friend R, years ago, there were four of us - me, R, her husband and mine.
Then they had their first child, then their second, then we had our first one...when they last came to see us, there were ten of us round the table altogether!

Most of our friends from those days went on to have children, either two or three per family. Some of us are divorced, some remarried and some have more children or step children.
The sheer weight of numbers means it's impossible to do all the birthdays even with cards. On the other hand, all the children (and adults) have new friends of their own and as they grow up, the children organise their own cards/presents/activities for their friends' birthdays so none of us is short of either friends or having a fuss made on our birthdays.

If you love birthdays, why not give a party for each birthday in your family and make the most of your friends? Share some time with them and I think you'll feel less upset about the whole thing.

Best wishes

MsB

BTW, I still regard R as a very close friend. She lives a long way away now. I still talk to her and text/email/facebook, and she gets a birthday card, but not a present unless I happen to see her around her birthday. She never remembers my birthday but we are still very very good friends, and still share important news etc straight away....so please don't think that cards or presents are a good way of measuring friendship. Friendship should not need measuring!

Mrs.W_2

I remember this being discussed in a similar thread in September...

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3519547

Teenie_D

TBH if it was me I wouldn't give her son the birthday present, your friend has stopped the trend of buying presents so I would go along with it.

Personally if you had given my son a present and I hadn't given one to yours I would be mortified (and maybe a bit peed off that you hadn't taken the hint that I no longer want to exchange gifts). Your friends are maybe struggling with money or maybe they just don't see birthdays the same way you do. A card is more than enough.

Spendless

Just a query but is your child and your friend's children of similar ages? Just wondering if that is why your son's has been dropped cos he's older and they stop sending pressies/cards at x age.

Assumming they are the same age I wouldn't send the present, save it for a different person. What's going to happen? You're hardly likely to be queried where it is when your reply is that your child wasn't bought anything last week, and they can't have forgotten since the birthday was acknowledged on facebook.

Bluemeanie_2

I will probably get slated for this, but this is just the way I am going to do things. I have a close group of 8 friends (so 9 of us in total). Every bday we put in £20 each and get a decent present/presents for £160. I do this as these people are my friends and I love them.

2 of them are pregnant. We are having showers for them and I am happily contributing towards a present for them to use with/on the baby. However (and I will be upfront with my circle of friends) when it comes to little Johnny's first birthday and if I am asked to contribute towards a gift, I will be saying no. I am friends with the person and I will be buying them a gift still. But once I go down that route, and start buying or contributing for the children too, what if the 8 all have 3 kids each? I simply cannot afford it. So If will just make my feelings clear from the start. Nor, of course, would I be offended if/when I have a child and they do not buy mine anything.

I will send a card though.

Amandaj32

It's not the present buying that's the problem or even getting a present. The thing that hurts me more is not even an acknowledgement of the present - even to be told that the children liked the presents or a simple thank you would be enough. BTW I'm in a similar financial position as the friend. The same goes for cards. I think a nice card with thought is sometimes better than a present. I'm certainly not judging people by the size or even the giving of presents. I think I feel for my son as he is delighted with anything he gets.

lilrahi

In my family, it's a 'if you have a party, you get a present' policy. So if my sister decides not to celebrate her kid's birthday, that kid doesn't get a present. That's the same with my friend's kids as well. I send cards, even though no-one usually reciprocates, but that's just the way I am. I love sending cards, and if I could afford it, I would give presents as well regardless of whether or not I received any in return.