What would you do?

30_something_2

Bit of background before I begin my rant!

I have a few close friends all of which have children (friend 1 = 1, friend 2 = 2 and friend 3 = 3), before I had a child I always bought for the kids at birthday and xmas time, their parents never bought me or OH anything as it was always 'presents for the kids' I used to spend about £10 per child per event so it added up over the years (8 years of pressies before I had my child).

I then had my DS.

Friend 2 said as soon as my DS was born that Xmas was getting too expensive for her and would we all mind just doing Birthdays (I was a bit miffed as I'd spent a small fortune over the years), friend 3 said she wanted it to be kept the same (she would she was getting 12 presents back and only buying 4!) but we all agreed this was ok

However friend 1 still buy my child a Xmas & birthday gift without fail - and I do the same, this is fine with both of us.

Friend 2 buys my DS a birthday present (admittedly it's always late!) and I buy for her 2.

Friend 3 - well where do I start? I know you don't buy to receive but she takes the biscuit! Her DS1 had a birthday earlier in year, we were away so I sent £10 in a card - no thanks from her, spoke to her to see if she'd got it - they had. DD had a birthday in June - again I sent £10 in a card and again no thanks (I sent it recorded delivery and she signed so I know it got there ok).

It was my DS birthday in July - no card/money/present from friend 3, she then sent me a text 3 weeks later saying she was sorry she'd forgot and she'd drop a card and money off that evening as she was passing, we got nothing. I've not texted/phoned her since as tbh I'm quite angry/upset.

It's her DS2 Birthday next week and I really don't know what to do - I'm so tempted not to send anything but then that's a bit childish and I know I shouldn't punish the child for his mother being rubbish.

If I do send a card then that family will have cost me £30 this year and she hasn't sent anything for my DS. DH said just send a card but I'm torn!

I know I'm probably being over-sensitive but it's really wound me up!

What would you do? Am I being unreasonable?

jellyhead

send a card and a text telling her to give her son the money she has kept aside for your son

Plans_all_plans

I'd just send a card, with no money in it and no present.

My close friends are very good at this sort of stuff really, we have a £10 limit on presents: but they say to me "spend only a fiver on each of our kids' Christmas presents cos we've got 2 kids and you've only got one" so some people are very mindful of the cost. I personally think that good friends will have thought this sort of thing through really.

If you feel she is taking the mick in other areas too (I suspect she is as you are dropping contact with her) I'd quietly drop her out myself.

Having said this, I don't believe in giving to receive, but at the same time, when you have your own kids and you're paying out for all and sundry with nothing in return, it'd annoy me too.

jellyhead

I am a bit confused as to why it matters, to be honest. Do none of these kids go to each others birthday parties? Why is everything sent in the post? If the kids don't play together and don't go to each others parties then stop buying - if you're so skint that the thought of spending more money than you get back is bothering you then stop the unnecessary expenditure.

Plans_all_plans

I don't think it's about "being skint" it's about the principle of it. I wouldn't be happy to fork out £30 for people who couldn't be bothered to even send my child a card!!

euronorris

I would just send a card.

If she questions it, I'd just say that as you didn't receive a gift on your DS's Birthday, you assumed you were no longer exchanging gifts and suggest a free day out together with the kids instead (or invite them over).

I wouldn't do anything other than that, and I wouldn't bring it up in a 'well, you never buy for our son' kinda way. They may be struggling financially and be really glad that the expectation to buy gifts for one another is no longer there.

I wouldn't dwell on past years presents either, as people's circumstances change. If you had had your DS years ago, they may have been able to reciprocate then, but are no longer in a financial position to do so now. That's just the way it works out sometimes.

j.e.j.

Thats the trouble with buying presents, - whether we want it to or not it almost always leaves at least one person feeling a bit put out or unfairly treated.

I would buy for the kiddies birthdays. Do you think she genuinely forgets, or is she taking the proverbial.. Just buy something small for her son, maybe.

For xmas I think I'd be tempted to use MSEMartin's note or email (not sure where to find it now but it said something along the lines of: I am not buying presents, and don't want to receive presents, thanks). It's clearly causing resentment for you and that's not what it should be about.

[Deleted User]

I understand your frustration but as its not really child 3's fault, for this year only so they've all been treated the same, i'd still send the £10.

Then next year either send a fiver or just a card, but i think its important to treat all 3 kids fairly if they are from the same family.

I would probably tell my friend that money has been tight so next year now you know so many children/friends etc, your just sticking to cards (10 for £1 in card factory). And just stick to spending your money on your family and close relatives.

Also to add perspective, I could be in your boat as some of my friends and brother had kids before I did and i was working full time, but i still bought fairly nice presents. But as soon as my family came along i had to drastically reduced things, just buy for kids and buy sale items to stretch around everyone's expanding families.

I expect your friend doesn't intend to offend you, just that she knows so many kids its hard to draw the line, esp when they start school and get invited to parties.

I've often said to DH if I didn't buy presents and stash them in a box when cheap or offers, i'd end up spending more on everyone else's kids than i would on my own.

Hope that makes sense and i do understand your POV.

30_something_2

jellyhead wrote: »

Do none of these kids go to each others birthday parties?

No her children are 15, 13 & 11. My DS is 5 - I don't think they'd want him at their party!

jellyhead wrote: »

Why is everything sent in the post

Because I was on holiday and couldn't deliver it personally so I sent in post so they'd get it on time.

jellyhead wrote: »

if you're so skint that the thought of spending more money than you get back is bothering you then stop the unnecessary expenditure.

I'm not skint I just dont like forking out £30 to someone who can't even be bothered to send a 29p card!

ciderwithrosie_2

Send her a text 3 weeks late saying 'oops, I forgot, I'll get him a bit extra for Christmas' ... then don't bother and see how she likes it.
Can't be doing with people like that!

redped

I'd send a card only, and leave it at that. If she ever mentions the lack of present (which'd be really cheeky of her), I'd mention that money is tight at the minute. If she was to then push it further, I'd then point out that as she doesn't buy for your son you think the best arrangement is card only.

No point in getting in to the "you never thanked me" stuff with her, unless you actually don't want to keep her as a friend (which would be understandable, given her ingratitude).