What would you do?

Glennn

wow......

I buy for my mates/family kids because I want to get them a present, when the time comes that I have kids I don't expect them to buy back presents just because I paid out......

If money is tight then the easiest thing to say is lets not bother, just get cards and leave it at that. That way you won't end up falling out over something so petty (in my eyes).

Kittendreich

I got a bit confused between who'd agreed what - but for the friend who'd forgotten your child's birthday recently I'd just send a card or give that and wee token gift if you see the child directly- e.g. keyring, stickers etc (depends on how old they are & what they like)

I have different 'agreements' in place with different people - whatever works for each friendship. I have no children myself, but some buy for my step-daughter & some don't. Some adults get small gifts, some don't. I'd never discriminate on how many children they have - it's not the child's fault if they have lots of siblings or that I have none! That said I only buy for very close friends and/or their children and lots of pressies are home-made or small things costing under a fiver - I couldn't afford anything else...

kazwookie

Send a card and best wishes and that is all. END OFF.

Plans_all_plans

Glenn, surely you'd like your friends to think enough of you and your child to acknowledge their birthday though?!

Although OP, I will say that with kids as old as that, she may have said "ring so and so to thank them" and the kids didn't.

Also, I know that when I was a teenager, b'days weren't really important in our house and so she may have the same attitude. I don't think b'days are as big a thing for older kids, so she may really have just forgotten.

Glitzer

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

I'd just send a card, with no money in it and no present.

My close friends are very good at this sort of stuff really, we have a £10 limit on presents: but they say to me "spend only a fiver on each of our kids' Christmas presents cos we've got 2 kids and you've only got one" so some people are very mindful of the cost. I personally think that good friends will have thought this sort of thing through really.

If you feel she is taking the mick in other areas too (I suspect she is as you are dropping contact with her) I'd quietly drop her out myself.

Having said this, I don't believe in giving to receive, but at the same time, when you have your own kids and you're paying out for all and sundry with nothing in return, it'd annoy me too.

This is what my best friend and I do. I only have DS, she has a DD and a DS. She is the one who suggested we just spend a fiver on each of hers and she would spend a tenner on DS.

For our own birthdays or christmas we just get together at hers for a night in with a few drinks and a take away (we do the drinks thing on a semi regular basis anyway!).

Glennn

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

Glenn, surely you'd like your friends to think enough of you and your child to acknowledge their birthday though?!

Although OP, I will say that with kids as old as that, she may have said "ring so and so to thank them" and the kids didn't.

Also, I know that when I was a teenager, b'days weren't really important in our house and so she may have the same attitude. I don't think b'days are as big a thing for older kids, so she may really have just forgotten.

Yes, I admit I wouldn't happy at a friend missing the birthday. But at the same time if it is a close friend you should be able to ring them and talk it through, if you can't maybe they are not that close a friend..... in which case I wouldn't be spending money on them.

30_something_2

Thanks everyone for the advice.

The value of the money/gift isn't an issue at all - I can afford the £10 - it's the principle of it.

Some people have suggested I distance myself from her and tbh I think that's what I need to do, many things have happened but I think this is the final straw - I just didn't realise I needed to do it.

VfM4meplse

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

Also, I know that when I was a teenager, b'days weren't really important in our house and so she may have the same attitude. I don't think b'days are as big a thing for older kids, so she may really have just forgotten.

This eternal giving and reciprocation I think is a little bit silly, esp as the kids get older. I give because I want to and enjoy the pleasure of doing so, not because I think I will receive in return or feel I ought to. If you have to discuss protocol then it's a meaningless waste of money.

I would suggest you cut back to just Christmas presents for the whole family - a bottle of something for the adults and a treat that everyone can enjoy will always be appreciated.

JodyBPM

I've got to be honest, I buy presents for my friends children because I like them, I like spending time with them and I enjoy picking out something for them that I think they would like, not because I feel obliged to or in the hope that my children will get something in return! I don't even consider what my children got from them last birthday when buying a gift...

If you like the children and want to buy them a gift, then buy them a gift. If you don't want to give them a gift on their birthday, then don't give them a gift.

It all sounds very childish and tit for tat to me. Ironically, I bet the children are being much more grown up about this than the parents! I bet they will be delighted with a gift if it turns up, but probably won't give it another thought if you don't send one!

I'd think it a bit odd/rude if one of my friends was invited to one of my children's birthday parties and turned up without a gift, but if they weren't coming to a specific celebration event, I probably wouldn't give it a second thought - after all they are friends with ME not my children.

All in all, I think the OP has lost sight of the point of gifting, which is to give something to someone with no strings attached or no payment due, not a trade of for presents back later in the year.

30_something_2

Glennn wrote: »

Yes, I admit I wouldn't happy at a friend missing the birthday. But at the same time if it is a close friend you should be able to ring them and talk it through, if you can't maybe they are not that close a friend..... in which case I wouldn't be spending money on them.

Hit the nail on the head!