Telling your partner about debt...

camuk81

Good news now you can start planning for the future

emma2105

Good Morning,

glad everything went reasonably ok! just think . . . it could have been worse! i bet you feel a millions times better now its off your chest!

Good luck with everything! debt is horrible thing, easy to get into and hard to get out of! but it can be done. Everyone on this site is so supportive too!

Marco_Panettone

Glad things are ok(ish). Time is a great healer, and trust will grow back. Prove to her that you ARE dealing with it. Keep her involved so she knows how things are going financially.

And keep us up to date - there's plenty of help and support on here, and many of us were thinking of you last night.

Good luck!

Anthony_Psudo_Jones

My gf now wife dropped the same bombshell on me 25 years ago.
Back then she had £20 K debt which would have bought you a small house in those days.:eek:
We are from a working class background and we vowed never to get debt apart from a mortgage ever again. We now have savings and a mortgage of less than 20K which will be paid off in 5 years.
We have three wonderful successful Kids (2 at Cambridge uni and one Audi mechanic)
They all have savings and are debt free and will leave uni without debt because of the lesson me and my wife learned all those years ago.
Debt and dealing with it at a young age can have a positive outcome on your life and that of your children's.
Be thankful you have the maturity to admit to your problem because it can become the making of you in the long run.
Good luck

JulieGeorgiana

Anthony_Psudo_Jones wrote: »

Debt and dealing with it at a young age can have a positive outcome on your life and that of your children's.

My DH and I said this same thing last night. Our debts and dealing with them has has a very positive effect on our lives. We would never have the savings we have or be as sensible with money as we are had we not learned a very valuable lesson first. We don't think we would be any better off right financially had we not had debts. But we will be better off in the future because we have learned from our mistakes.

OP I am so please it went okay. Things will take time, I wish you very well x

rdchick

Aww glad it wasn't too bad.

It is scary, but you had the balls to say it... doesn't matter too much how long it takes to tell them but it's best you do when you're ready. It is awkward when you first meet someone to say hello, I have debt around my neck...

I used to blame my debt on my uni days as it was easier and had less social stigma (I graduated in 2010!) but now I just say yep I got into debt, but now I am getting out of it and learning a valuable lesson. My parents and most of my friends don't know about it because as I say it's not something to blurt out!

Keep posting and we'll keep supporting... maybe cook your girlfriend her fave meal tonight

NIW_2

I can share two stories on this subject. One from being in debt, the other from helping out someone else.

Firstly, when I met my boyfriend (now husband) in 1996 I had been £3,000 overdrawn and had taken out a £3,000 loan to cover the overdraft - it seemed sensible in my mind. There was still about £1,500 to pay back on the loan but the overdraft was gone. We had been together for about a year when he said that he would pay off the remainder of the loan. Which to today I am still extremely grateful for. He did ask why I had got so badly overdrawn when I had such low outgoings (low mortgage, cheap bills and did loads of paid overtime). I was honest and said if the bank kept letting me take money out and automatically increasing my overdraft, then I would take the money. Plus, I liked to go out drinking after work and shopping...

The second story happened only last May. My husband was visiting his parents, they are retired and have lived in Spain for ten years. From him answering the phone to a bailiff chasing payment for timeshare subs and offering to pay the three years worth of unpaid subs, for which his parents were grateful for, he could sense that there was something else so he questioned whether there was anything else that was outstanding. Turned out that both his mum and dad had racked up individual debts on four credit cards and one store card £44,000 this also included a years worth of consolidation loan from an earlier credit card accumulation.

Two things really annoyed my husband; first that neither of them knew what the other owed, second that they hadn't asked him for help. The majority of the debt was interest on the cards - they were paying only the minimum each month, then spending the £20-£30 remaining available to them before the next bill was issued. What also didn't help was that both their pensions were being paid into a UK bank and they were withdrawing cash from a Spanish bank and with every cash withdrawal they were being charged another fee.

The worst case scenario was that they would have to sell their wholly-owned Spanish flat (which is their only property), sell the car, lose the internet, cable TV, etc all to pay off the accumulated debt, then move back to England and live with us until an alternative housing solution could be found...

But fortunately they are now credit and chargecard debt free and have been able to keep their home - they owe us money for a portion, their UK state pensions are now paid directly into their Spanish bank which means no withdrawal fees and it turned out that my mother-in-law was sitting on a large amount of shares but trying to get her to realise that the £300 or so she got each year in dividends was a fraction of the amount she owed in interest was like getting blood from a stone. My husband has created a cashflow schedule for them and for the first time in probably seven years, my in-laws are living comfortably but within their means and are able to save some money.

Funnyman123, you've been with your girlfriend for a couple of years and have been able to discuss your finances fairly early on in your relationship, my in-laws have been together for 44 years and still weren't able (or probably willing) to discuss finances. Their attitude has always been "this is my money" and their accumulated debt just shows how this can be such a negative attitude. You've now opened up and have been honest, keep that honesty going.

downsizer3

Glad its over anyway - now to get on with dealing with the debt. Plenty advice on here about paying it off and its all good for keeping you motivated.
Well done - chin up, and now start tackling that debt!!

BlushingRose

funnyman123 wrote: »

Last night was a long night.

As expected, the thing she was most angry about was the fact I hadn't told her yet and she was also crushed that things she's been planning for may have to be put on hold for a while.

But, she did tell me she still loves me but she's going to need a lot of time before things are back to 'normal'.

I'm exhausted but thank you all so much for your support.

Excellent. :T
She still loves you and is going to support you with that love. You couldn't have wished for a better outcome really.
Well done for coming clean and telling her everything. She will have a new respect for you, once the shock has worn off, and even more if she can see you're trying to get everything sorted out.
Allow her the time to come to terms with things, and it sounds very much like you've both got a very strong relationship.

funnyman123

I just wanted to pop back in here and thank everyone again for all the good wishes and support.

Yesterday was a much better day. Once the initial shock and anger had worn off, she was able to look at it more objectively and see that it's a manageable situation and something we can beat together.

I really do think this will be the making of our relationship.

But, again, thank you everyone here.