Telling your partner about debt...

funnyman123

Hi everyone.

This isn't so much asking for advice, just asking for shared experiences on how to tell your partner about debt.

I've been with my girlfriend for about 18 months and we are both sure we have met "the one". The problem is, before I met her I had built up about £22,000 of debt which is made up of a bank loan, an overdraft and three credit cards.

I am managing my debt but it's hard at times and it's even harder not being able to tell her about it.

I wanted to tell her when I first met her but thought it would scare her off and I knew there was something special between us. It then got to a point where I had no idea how to tell her or, when I did try to tell her, the words just wouldn't come out.

Today I finally built up the courage to tell her and emailed her my whole story and how much money I owe.

Her reaction, via email, was of anger and shock all of which I know is fully justified.

When she gets home tonight we will be able to properly discuss it but emailing her was the only way I could do it as I didn't have the courage to do it face to face.

I'm terrified this will tear us apart and hope some of you have had a more positive experience.

Can you share any stories of others telling their partner and it working out okay just for some peace of mind?

Thank you.

InsertWittyName

It's only money

She's probably more hurt that you kept it from her more than anything else.

My OH's always known about my individual debts and any debts we have accumulated together.

You'll sort it out - just talk it though, as I said... it's only money

funnyman123

I know it's "only money" but she's always said she can't see how people get themselves in debt.

I know she will lose a lot of trust in me and will be hurt and angry.

I know it's selfish, but all I want to do is share my problem with my best friend (her) and find a way out of it.

wannapayoff

It took me a few years and a bit of wine to tell my other half.. he was disapointed but. I had already paid half back and 2. I had a plan of action.... I've always told him I will pay my OWN debt off as I was the one that spent it! I think getting it out in the open is the best thing so you can tackle it head on... you could even suggest she takes over your finances? then she can give you 'spends' whilst she knows that as much money as poss is going off your debt...

It really shouldnt matter, if someone really loves you they should forgive.

niksyg

Well done on finding the courage to tell her.

It may help if you use the following links to be able to see how and when you will be debt free.

Use this one: http://www.makesenseofcards.com/soacalc.html to work out where your money is going every month and how much you have to spend on your debt and this one: http://www.whatsthecost.co.uk/snowball.aspx to work out when you will be debt free and how best to make your payments to get rid of your debs quickly.
If she sees you being this proactive she may be a little more understanding. I guess you told her because you want to share your life with her, and to do that, you need to be completely honest - make sure she knows that.

I hope it goes ok when she gets home.

InsertWittyName

funnyman123 wrote: »

I know it's "only money" but she's always said she can't see how people get themselves in debt.

I know she will lose a lot of trust in me and will be hurt and angry.

I know it's selfish, but all I want to do is share my problem with my best friend (her) and find a way out of it.

Might be worth explaining to her how the debt has arisen then, she may understand a bit better.

sueh6

I had to admit to my DH that we were in a mess around 18 months ago after hiding everything from him. As I earnt more than double his salary I was responsible for looking after the finances and kept everything from his to 'protect' him. In the end I couldn't cope any longer and was on the verge of a breakdown and so I just sat down, face to face, and told him.

He was devastated - not so much about the money more so the lies but we're back on track now and making things right. It's not easy but you must be honest with her now..... good luck!

funnyman123

niksyg wrote: »

I guess you told her because you want to share your life with her, and to do that, you need to be completely honest - make sure she knows that.

That's exactly why I told her.

Thanks for those links.

sueh6 wrote:

In the end I couldn't cope any longer and was on the verge of a breakdown and so I just sat down, face to face, and told him.

He was devastated - not so much about the money more so the lies but we're back on track now and making things right. It's not easy but you must be honest with her now..... good luck!

I've had a massive knot in my stomach ever since Christmas and it was about to get the better of me so I had to tell her.

She will be most hurt that I hid it from her but I hope with everything she can forgive me.

Miss_Scrooge_2

InsertWittyName wrote: »

It's only money

And it can destroy lives.. or dramatically improve them. If it was "only money", people would not be in debt and spend the rest of their lives trying to pay it back. So this is a ridiculous thing to say.

The truth is, debt can be a deal breaker in a relationship. It would be for me, and it would be for my partner.

OP - Hopefully, after she's calmed down a bit you'll be able to have a proper chat. It's always better face-to-face. Maybe her anger is heightened because you said this to her through e-mail. Either way, don't worry about it too much. From what I've seen on this forum most of the time, people's partners who had found out about their debt stay with 'em and give 'em the kick up the backside they need to sort out the problem.

funnyman123

Miss_Scrooge wrote: »

Hopefully, after she's calmed down a bit you'll be able to have a proper chat. It's always better face-to-face. Maybe her anger is heightened because you said this to her through e-mail. Either way, don't worry about it too much. From what I've seen on this forum most of the time, people's partners who had found out about their debt stay with 'em and give 'em the kick up the backside they need to sort out the problem.

I hate that I told her through email but it was the only way I could build up the courage to do it. It felt easier writing it down because I could say what I needed to say without emotion getting in the way.

I genuinely love her and feel terrible about doing this to her and only hope she can understand why and eventually forgive me.

=booboo=

In my experience, it is far better you told her than she found out later on!

Personally, my debts were nothing compared to my GF's, in fact, so insignificant it barely registered, but i still nearly lost her. Youve done the right thing, be determined to clear it and ensure you keep open about it and stay active in clearing it.

oh and good luck tonight!