Telling your partner about debt...

camuk81

Will you let us know how you get on as a lot of people will be thinking about you tonight

downsizer3

My ex dropped a similar bombshell years before we split ( we split about other issues - not the debt!) and after the initial shock I rallied pretty quick.
By the time your partner gets back I'm pretty sure the shock will have worn off in favour of a 'how to deal with it' attitude. Sure - its the trust thing thats maybe still to deal with but its out there now and ultimately she'll prefer that you've told her. I was - and even though it was £40k of debt - after I marched him off to CAB to start repayments etc it was easier.
I never quite trusted him with money after that - but an 'open book' strategy on things helped enormously.
Good luck - I'm sure it'll be ok after a bit of soul searching and humble pie!

JulieGeorgiana

My DH never told me about his debts when we met either, although he knew about mine. And it hurt to find out about them... but we are debt free now (after clearning £31k between us) and we have savings and we are happy.

The only advice I can give it be honest, and make sure you discuss in detail how you are planning on getting it sorted and what future you want with her.

I wish you luck x

Sonic_The_Hedgehog

I have been thinking about the exact same thing! :-S With me she knows I have accurred debts but I've even surprised myself recent with real eureka moments! She doesn't know exactly how much old junk I buy so I hide a lot of my movements just cos its easier to keep my freedom and pride that way!
I feel a bit ill and hope the debts don't get the better of me. My GF also has debts, not sure how much, which I actually think makes it worse, yes she will understand, but more for 'us' to pay off IYSWIM also she doesn't like me chipping in on her finance 'issues', and so much pressure to do all the fashionable lifetime grown up things now like have kids et all! :-S no time or money I'll tell my GF, might not fess how much just so she knows I'm getting on with it and maybe some support, and maybe she will relax about sharing her issues...

So its good your partner has no debts, but people who don't get how people get debts irk me, we all have our reasons don't we, both (part) mine and my GFs were to better our careers fair enough, if someone bought a new car to commute to a new job would it be looked at the same way? cos it's not a lot different... for example; I'm skinny but I understand how people get fat. Walk in their shoes innit.

Good luck, she'll understand if shes Miss Right. if you've gone through your eureka moment truly and have a plan at least thats something to calm her.

debtfreeeju

funnyman123 wrote: »

I know it's "only money" but she's always said she can't see how people get themselves in debt.

I know she will lose a lot of trust in me and will be hurt and angry.

I know it's selfish, but all I want to do is share my problem with my best friend (her) and find a way out of it.

I just wanted to say you have my sympathy. I came into my relationship with debt, and my BF has never, ever had any debt, apart from student loan and a credit card which is always paid in full every month. I, on the other hand, got to the stage where I owed around £16,000 (exc. student loan) and when I talked to him, he also just didn't understand how/why people get into debt. In fact, he still doesn't understand, and we're in a position where we find it very difficult to talk about money.

The point is, people do get into debt. You only have to read through these forums to get an idea of how easy it is for many reasons - in my case a combination of many years of study and low income with an element of 'keeping up with the Joneses'. Don't beat yourself up over why you got into debt. It has happened and you can't change that. All you can do now is face up to it and make a plan to move forward, hopefully with your girlfriend's help. It's not selfish to want to share this with her - she might not understand straight away but she'll come around. Good luck this evening.

cottonhead

I was in the same sort of situation. I met my partner who was doing Ok financially and managing money well. I had been reckless for a few years and built up debt but we never had any need to talk about money. However when we decided to open a joint account when we moved in I had to tell him. I was scared and upset but he understood that I didnt tell him because I felt ashamed no because I was trying to hide anything. He was a bit shocked at fist and a bit dissaproving but he saw I was upset and he stood by me. That was 9 years ago and we are now married with kids etc etc. I am still rubbish at money but although we mix some money to pay the bills we still have seperate personal accounts where our wages go so if I do mess up he doenst get impacted. However he frequently hands me his cared to treat myself etc etc. Its all in the past.
I think you did a great thing by a - telling her before you commit officially and b - doing it by email. In writing you can explain everything calmly and there is little chance of it getting into an out of hand argument.
Speaking as a girl, I think she will be more upset that you hid it from her than that you are in debt. Tell her that you have told her as you think you owe it to her to be honest and that you felt you could confide in her without being judged as you know how understanding and supportive she is . ..... then after a few days buy a ( inexpensive ! ) gift and give her a healtfelt thanks and you will live happliy ever after I can tell !!
All the best !

TTC40

Well done for facing up & telling her.

I can't imagine how hard it was - but honesty & a clear plan of action is the way forward.

My OH was rubbish with money when we met (had been bankrupt). He just didn't get the bit about don't spend what you haven't got.

I was the opposite, Miss Sensible. We had to find a balance (alright a bit more to my way of thinking)!

10 years on, we have a great life with organised finances and a shared outlook on how our current finances affect our future plans.

Hope all goes well - although be ready for some tears.

JulieGeorgiana

Just checking in? How did things go last night?

BlushingRose

Yes, please let us know how things went. Was thinking of you last night x

funnyman123

Last night was a long night.

As expected, the thing she was most angry about was the fact I hadn't told her yet and she was also crushed that things she's been planning for may have to be put on hold for a while.

But, she did tell me she still loves me but she's going to need a lot of time before things are back to 'normal'.

I'm exhausted but thank you all so much for your support.